For Inconvenience Press One/Quotes

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."

—Alice Kahn

"Dogbert Tech Support. How may we abuse you?"

—Dogbert, Dilbert

"For tech support, please press the exact value of 22 divided by 7."

—Automated Sadistic Phone System, Dilbert

"...but if you have type AB negative blood and you're tall but not blonde press the square root of 42 on your keypad..."

—Dogbert's Clues for the Clueless

Church: Alright, shut up; I'm on the phone
Tucker Jr.: Honk!
Church: And do me a favor -- kill that fucking thing, would you?
Tucker Jr.: Blargh...
Vic: (contact established) Hey, dudes!
Church: Vic! Hey, it's Church--
Vic: This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need--
Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system.
Church: (disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on.
Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.
Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.
Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail.
Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five.
Church: Just give me the damn beep!
Voice Mail: To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six--
Church: Come on!
Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine.
Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!
Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
Doc: Oooh, language!
Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
Church: I HAAAAAATE YOOOOU!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Vic! It's Church! I need--
Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full. (disconnect)

Church: Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.

—Red vs. Blue

Durkon: Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need.
ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now.
Durkon: One!
ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now.
Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two! TWO!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now.
Durkon: Three. No! CRAP!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor".
Durkon: Gaah!

Elan: Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?

—The Order of the Stick

Press 1 - If everything is working fine.
Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.
Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.
Press 5 - For support in the Azores.
Press 6 - To go further back in line.
Press 7 - To win a Hovedøya bus ride.
Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.

Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.

—Øystein Sunde, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)