Family-Unfriendly Aesop/Quotes

Thomas: Ed, I feel like I need to apologize to you.
Ed: Seriously? Why?
Thomas: I haven't set a good example for you today.
Ed: Oh, like the thing with the kid earlier?
Thomas: Of course not. That comes with the territory. What I should have done was stress the importance of not getting caught.

Ed: There we go, that's what I was waiting for.

—Between Failures, "The Kicker".

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. So the lesson is never try."

—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons (actually a Spoof Aesop, of course)

Hobbes: Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework now?
Calvin: I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem.
Hobbes: It is?
Calvin: Sure! It sends the message that I don't know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn, I'm just concentrating on liking myself the way I am.
Hobbes: Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus?

Calvin: Please! Let's call it "informationally impaired."

—Calvin and Hobbes

"So, it's better to speculate about doing good than actually doing it?"

—Crow, Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost

Instead [Cinderella] kept scrubbing floors and believing that, if she continued to wish very hard and take absolutely no action, everything would fall into place. And what do you know, the bitch gets a fucking kingdom out of it. So don't worry, girls. Some kind of "Fairy Godmother" will sweep into your life at any moment, and find you a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!

—Cracked.com, 7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons

"Now, we're not saying that cheaters win. We're just saying... well actually we are saying that. You just have to be really good at it."

—Cracked.com

Our fox and hound find their long friendship thoroughly obliterated and end up trying to kill each other. Only after the member of the pursued and persecuted race does a favor for his oppressor (when the hunted saves the hunter's life) does the hound grant the fox permission to continue living.

But not as equals; the hound returns to his home with the humans and the fox returns to the wild.

That is how we will heal our racial and socioeconomic differences: by separating ourselves. If only we could institute some kind of "segregation" where all of us could be with our own kind, none of this unpleasantness would happen.

Thanks for showing us the way, Mr. Disney!

—Cracked on The Fox and the Hound (film)

"I sold my soul for a vagina and a man I don't know!"

—The Nostalgia Chick, on why she hates The Little Mermaid

"Moral of the story: If your loved one has a problem, kill them."

—Random Youtube comment on Supergreatfriend's Let's Play of Deadly Premonition.

"Never deny your rowdy nature, paladins! And don't take advice from old people!"

—Old lady, Adventure Time