Emo Philips/Quotes

Friday afternoon, I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build a new house. And the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

When I went off to college, my father said, "I'm going to miss you." I said, "Sure you will, now that I filed the sights off your rifle."

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.... They don't know I'm only using blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude. I said I'd like a card. He said, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problems?"

My ex-wife called me up and told me she needed $50,000 to remodel the house to better suit her personality. I said, "Does it have to be real gingerbread?"

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I was in bed the other night, and I phoned my neighbour and said: "I know it's a huge imposition, but would you mind turning the stereo down? The door's unlocked..."

I was in the park when I had this bad asthmatic attack. Three of them jumped me. I know, I should have heard them hiding.