Dave Barry/Quotes

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry in Cyberspace

Flugtag (pronounced "floog tog") is sponsored by Red Bull brand extreme energy beverage, which tastes the way Limp Bizkit sounds. I tried one, and it gave me a refreshing lift. I hope to be able to sleep again by Halloween.

—Dave Barry, Duct Tape Daredevils

Now, when I'm not using my phone's cell-phone feature (Hello? Hello? Hello?) I can use the camera feature to record precious moments that I can share with others. (Here's a picture of my daughter's ballet recital. Or, the Grand Canyon. ) And thanks to my phone's e-mail feature, even when I'm away from my computer, I can receive the hundreds of urgent messages I receive every day from people wishing to enhance my manhood.

—Dave Barry, Non-Stop Shopping

An alert Missouri reader sent in a newsletter from Rocky Mountain National Park containing this tip for visitors: "Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger."

—Dave Barry, The Epitome of Wordliness

TODAY'S WRITING TIP FOR JOB-SEEKERS: When writing a résumé, be sure to use "power words" to describe your accomplishments and skills:
WRONG: "I supervised a team of 15 data-entry clerks."

RIGHT: "I can snap your spine like a toothpick."

—Dave Barry, The Epitome of Wordliness

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

—Dave Barry, Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

—Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw

During my visit, roughly once every four minutes a North Dakotan would remind me, in a nice way, that they have hardly any crime up there, in stark contrast to my city, Miami, where, as the North Dakotans understand it, you can't hear yourself think for all the machine-gun fire. But I can't argue with them: It does feel very safe up there, and everybody does seem to get along, even though the population is quite diverse, ranging all the way from people whose ancestors immigrated from Norway, to people whose ancestors immigrated from a different part of Norway.

—Dave Barry, Idling in the Grand Cities

Take, for example, my Keogh Plan. If you're wondering what a Keogh Plan is, the technical answer is: Beats me. All I know is, I have one, and the people who administer it are always sending me Important Tax Information. Here's the first sentence of their most recent letter, which I swear I am not making up:
"Dear David: The IRS has extended the deadline for the restatement of your plan to comply with GUST and various other amendments until, in most instances, September 30, 2003."
I understand everything in that sentence, up to "David." After that I am lost. Apparently I have until September 30 (in most instances) to get my plan -- no, sorry, the restatement of my plan -- to comply with something (but what?) called "GUST." And of course various other amendments. But how do I do this? And what if I don't?

The letter doesn't make this clear. It does, however, say this: "You must adopt EGTRRA prior to the end of the plan year beginning in 2002." I am, frankly, reluctant to adopt anything called "EGTRRA," which sounds like the name of a giant radioactive chicken that destroys Tokyo.

—Dave Barry, Want a little something EGTRRA

The thing is, this letter isn't from the Internal Revenue Service ("We're Working To Put You in Jail!").

—Dave Barry, Want a little something EGTRRA

IRS AUDITOR: Also, on page 23, you claim, as dependents, and I quote: "The Entire Cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

—Dave Barry, Want a little something EGTRRA

We have reached the point where even the IRS doesn't know what the Tax Code says. Last year, the Treasury Department discovered -- I am still not making this up -- that the IRS paid out more than $30 million to people who filed for the slavery tax credit. Yes! Thirty million dollars! Only guess what? It turns out there IS no slavery tax credit! Whoops!

—Dave Barry, Want a little something EGTRRA

Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.

—Dave Barry, Want a little something EGTRRA

But when it came to eloquence, George Bush was Winston Churchill compared with his vice president, the legendary J. Danforth Quayle. You never knew what Dan was going to say next, and the wonderful thing was, Dan clearly didn't know either. He'd be asked a question, and he'd start talking, and you could see in his eyes that he was thinking, Ohmigod I'm talking and I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW!

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway

Hart was clearly the most attractive candidate, the only one with even a remote chance of beating Ronald Reagan, so naturally the Democrats selected: Walter Mondale. When Mondale accepted the nomination, he wooed the voter by informing them...that if they elected him as president, his first move would be to jack up their income taxes. Walter you sweet talker!

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway

The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:
1. Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.
2. But we are.

3. Ha-ha-ha.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made of dirt. Think about that. You can't clean a sod house, because it would be gone. The early settlers had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. "You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!" they'd yell.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor kinves, and pepper spray on fourteen commerical flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

The Wolverettes are my daughter's soccer team. They're all 4 years old, and they're all girls. They've been practicing under their coach, Susanna. They're learning the fundamentals of soccer, which are:
1. You're supposed to kick the ball.
2. You're not supposed to pick up the ball.
3. Even if you really really want to pick up the ball, you're not supposed to.
4. If you have to go potty, try to wait for a water break instead of just trotting off the field.

5. It can be hard to remember this sometimes, but DON'T PICK UP THE BALL, OK?

—Dave Barry, Kicking and hugging

We were dining recently with Mrs. Language Person at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, Fla., and the menu listed the following item, which we are not making up: "Chef's Daily Inspiration of Soup." When the waiter came around, we asked him: "What is the Chef's Daily Inspiration of Soup?" And he answered, quote: "It's the soup of the day."

—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh

Q. I would like to use the word synergy more often. What does it mean?

A. Synergy is one of the key words used by business professionals to indicate that they have no clue as to what business they are actually in. ("The Harbingle Organization: A Paradigm of Synergy")

—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh

Ed Lacy reports that he saw a sign in the men's room of an Office Depot that said: "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH YOUR HANDS." (Ed writes: "I waited 15 minutes for someone to wash my hands." )

—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh

John Noren sent an informational document from the Internal Revenue Service containing this statement: "The definition of a child living at home is a child who lives at home."

—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh

It is a great honor to march in an inauguration parade. So when a group I belong to called the World Famous Lawn Rangers of Amazing Arcola was selected to march at Barack Obama's inauguration, our reaction, as Americans, was: "The organizers of this parade must be smoking crack."

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry plunges into the inaugural spirit

We are an extremely random group of middle-age guys who carry brooms and push specially decorated show lawn mowers, which we use to perform synchronized broom-and-lawn mower maneuvers that always get a big crowd reaction (usually: "Huh?"). As you can imagine these performances require intense mental preparation, by which I mean beer.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry plunges into the inaugural spirit

Rangers will march in pretty much any parade that will have them. In 2003, when they marched in the St. Patrick's Day parade in Chicago, they encountered Barack Obama, then running for the U.S. Senate. Obama picked up a toilet plunger -- in addition to brooms, senior Rangers carry plungers, symbolizing authority -- and brandished it over his head. A photograph was taken of this moment, although at the time nobody realized it was historic.

—Dave Barry, Dave Barry plunges into the inaugural spirit