Crystal and the Diamonds

"wtf Michael stop acting like a Serb and bein' so god damn racist" I said.
"Eh? I'm not being tracist, Canadians can't be racist because all Canadians are half-French and half-British".

"Yeah but French and British are the most racist of them all," I said, "So being both would make you like, a double racist."

—Crystal talking to Michael Bublé

Crystal and the Diamonds is a notoriously bad Self-Insert Fic written by Hrvatska, who claims that the aim of her stories is to show just how great Croatia is to the rest of the world. And she's failing. Badly.

The main character, 'Crystal Turquoise' is an awful Mary Sue while the rest of the characters just follow her around as she goes from country to country doing nothing in particular.

There is a plot floating around in there somewhere, mostly about how she gets put into a band to compete in the X-Factor. There's also a time machine that has been built and they are trying to go back in time and fix something (but just end up ruining it by shooting Churchill). Most of the time however, the plot is held up so the story can go into an insanely racist Author Tract about why Serbians are bad or some other inane thing. It's also unfinished as of yet, even though it currently has 23 (!) chapters, so expect more of this.

Tropes used in Crystal and the Diamonds include:

• Anticlimax: Everything that is set up is resolved quickly and easily. There is no such thing as climax in this story at all.
• Author Appeal: The X-Factor and World War Two? Why not?
• Author Avatar: Crystal
• Author Filibuster: The author does not like Serbians, so every once in a while she writes into the story something about Serbians being evil or some other garbage.
  • She also doesn't seem to like Brits very much.
• Chekhov's Gun: Remember that lion that was released into the audience? It sneaks onto the plane.
• Conflict Ball: Given to Michael Bublé so that Crystal can argue with him and assert that she is right. Crystal often calls him racist, which is ironic seeing as Crystal herself is the most racist character in the entire story.
• Disney Death: Matt and Fritz die in one chapter. Crystal brings them back.
• Heel Face Turn: Fritz is a Nazi. He gets to join the group on their adventures anyway.
• Gratuitous German
• Godwin's Law of Time Travel: Inverted as the main characters go back in time on purpose to help the Nazis win World War Two, after deciding that Britain deserves to be bombed for bombing Dresden (or, as the fanfic calls it, 'Dresdents').
  • They do this by shooting Churchill and the Queen.
• Loads and Loads of Characters
• Multinational Team
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: The main characters reaction when London starts getting bombed.
  • Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, leaves on a plane when this happens.
• Self-Insert Fic
• Suddenly Ethnicity: Crystal reveals herself to be Croatian in chapter six.
• Time Travel
• Winston Churchill: He gets shot by Marko. Multiple times. His only place in this story is to die over and over.
• Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe - Everything Matt says comes out like this.
  • "Forsooth thou mussen thy will, to go inside!"