< Criminal Minds

Criminal Minds/Funny


For a show about serial killers and other nuts that go bump in the night, Criminal Minds manages quite a few of these.


Season 1

1x01 Extreme Aggressor

  • Hotch and Reid at a man's house and then his dog starts barking at Reid.

Hotch: It's okay. It's what we call the Reid Effect. It happens with children too.
(later in the interview)
Interviewee: So, what kind of doctor are you?
Reid: There are PhDs actually. Three of them.
Interviewee: What are you, some kind of genius?
Reid: I don't believe intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, and eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words a minute.
Interviewee: *dazed expression*
Reid: Yes, I'm a genius.

1x04 In Plain Sight

  • At the beginning of the episode, Reid is at his 24th birthday party in the office, trying to blow out trick candles and wearing a ridiculous hat. Which Gideon solemnly advises him not to take off.

1x05 Broken Mirror

  • The scene when Morgan and Elle are discussing a twin's apparent psychic relation with the other twin. Bonus points to Hotch walking in, adding to the argument, and then getting straight to business.

Elle: You think Cheryl's a whack job because she claims she can feel her sister's anxiety?
Morgan: I never said whack job.
Reid: (walking in) Actually,there may be a psychological basis for it.
Morgan: Don't ask.
Reid: Reversed asymmetry monozygotic eggs split late, between 9 to 12 days. (Morgan shakes his head and smiles) The DNA matches right down to the very last stranded code, and there's sporadic documentation of shared physiological pain.
Morgan: And you believe it?
Reid: No, I'm just saying it's possible. I don't know everything, you know, despite the fact that you think that I do.
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Elle: This morning at breakfast.
Hotch: (walking in) Yesterday, when he beat you at cards... um, we've got one minute.
Morgan: (As everyone walks away) Hasn't anyone heard of sarcasm?

1x06 LDSK

  • Considering the subject matter, this episode has a few of these. One of the funniest has to be at the very end.

Hotch: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan.
Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.
Hotch: Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.
Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve-year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine-year-old girl.

1x16 The Tribe

  • Most of episode, especially the girls' reaction to Sean Hotchner, Hotch asking Reid if his name is Samuel, and the end banter between Hotch and John Blackwolf.

Hotch: You okay?
Blackwolf: You just had to shoot somebody, didn't you?
Gideon: The children?
Hotch: We got them out before taking out these four.
Reid: Weren't there five of them?
Blackwolf: Captain America shot number five.
Hotch: You're welcome. Number six is cut up pretty bad, I don't know if he's going to make it.
Blackwolf: At least I didn't shoot him.

1x17 A Real Rain

  • The scene where the team's eating out at a Chinese restaurant and Reid tries to distract them from the fact that he can't use his chopsticks by giving random facts about them. There's also the part where Elle says they're spending too much time talking about profiling and Hotch says she's right and then asks if she's seeing anyone. She then starts asking Gideon about the case again!

1x19 Machismo

  • Hotch is holding his son Jack.

Jessica: You're holding him like a cantaloupe.
Hotch (trying to quiet a crying Jack): You think you can do better? Here you go, smartypants.
(Hotch hands Jack to Jessica, who causes him to stop crying immediately)
Hotch: ...Fine. Let's see you profile a disorganized psychopath.

  • Garcia tries to speak Spanish.

Morgan: Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebody’s mother.
Garcia: Shut up you. I took French. What can I say?
Morgan: Penelope, your last name is Garcia.
Garcia: Yeah, I know. It’s my stepfather’s name. Do you want my genius or not?


Season 2

2x01 P911

  • While Reid, Morgan and Elle try to guess a man's computer password, Morgan has this excellent advice to give Reid:

Morgan: Come on, genius. Do something genius-like.

2x04 Psychodrama

  • The plane scene:

Elle: (reading the headline) 'Stripping Bandit.' That's terrible. It makes it sound like the bandit is doing the stripping.
Reid: What would you call him?
JJ: Pervert.
Elle: Scumbag.
Morgan: I'd call him an ass.
Hotch: Hey! Focus please!

  • Morgan and Elle were in a motel, approaching the UnSub's room.

Elle: (offering key) Key?
Morgan: No thanks, I've got one. (kicks door down)

2x06 The Boogeyman

Morgan: JJ, that was pretty good. Just that paybacks are a bitch.
JJ: I'm shakin'.

  • There's a short scene from near the end of the episode where the team runs into a small playground while chasing a killer and his victim, a little girl. They stop long enough to note the girl's backpack lying abandoned on the ground, then run off into the woods in pursuit. The season's blooper reel kicks off with a version of that scene where all the actors (led by Mandy Patinkin) run into the playground as usual...and then suddenly jump on the playground's merry-go-round and spin around, then climb on the see-saws and go up and down for several seconds...before jumping off and running off into the woods as if nothing happened.
    • "Ain't no white bears!"

2x08 Empty Planet

  • Reid asks Gideon if he can go out to buy a book so he can re-read it before meeting the author:

Reid: Would you mind? It'll only take ten minutes.
Gideon: To buy it or read it?
Reid: Both, actually...

Hotch: I'll be right back. (Points at Reid) And don't cheat!
(Reid throws up his hands, gives the most innocent expression imaginable, before waiting for Hotch to leave and then promptly cheating, and then JJ wins)
JJ: I'm beating you, genius.
Reid: Genius Dr. Reid let you win.

2x12 Profiler, Profiled

  • Reid demonstrates a physics law using vinegar and Alka-Seltzer to make rockets:

Hotch: (picks up rocket lying at his feet) Physics magic?
Reid: Yes, sir.
Hotch: Reid, we've talked about this.
Reid: I'm sorry, sir.
Hotch: (Hands Reid the rocket)
(beat)

Hotch: Really starting to get some distance on those.

2x21 Open Season

Prentiss: Ladies, this is Brad, a real FBI agent.


Season 3

3x02 In Name and Blood

  • JJ's thoughts on Strauss.

You know, from this angle, she almost looks human.

  • Morgan calls Hotch from the crime scene, Hotch is at home.

Hotch: Hey, how's it going?
Morgan: Well, Strauss just offended the lead detective 45 seconds into her first crime scene.
Hotch: I'm not surprised.

  • Most of Garcia's phone banter is funny, but this one truly crowns it:

Garcia: Talk dirty to me.
Strauss: ...This is Section Chief Erin Strauss...

3x03 Scared to Death

Garcia: (Whipering) Hey, you.
Reid: (Looks around, baffled)
Garcia: Uh, down here.
Reid: (Spots computer) I knew that...
Garcia: It's a good thing you're handsome, Doctor.

Hotchn: Was that the alarm? You guys okay?
Reid: I'll get back to you on that.

3x07 Identity

  • The team tries to get information out of an area's extremely unhelpful populace. Reid looks for it in a trailer park and gets absolutely nowhere on his own. It's made even better by the poor guy's face.

Trailer Park Manager: What the hell do you want? Can't you read?
Reid: I'm with the FBI.
Trailer Park Manager: FBI? You're not serious. You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes! I could snap you like a twig!
Rossi: But then again, (steps into view) he's not alone either.

3x12 3rd Life

  • Someone questions Reid's methods when it comes to topography:

State Marshal: You've got to find him, and fast.
Reid: What does it look like I'm doing?
State Marshal: Colouring in a map!

3x13 Limelight

  • Rossi tells Hotch that he needs to go to a field office to look at some evidence:

Hotch: Take Reid with you.
Reid: (Excitedly) Road trip, nice! I've got books on tape of Peter Coyote reading the entire Foundation trilogy!
(Rossi has the look of sheer terror)

3x14 Damaged

  • Garcia makes her thoughts on keeping her relationship with Kevin a secret clear:

Garcia: Kevin, if you come within 100 feet of Agent Rossi, I will unleash an unrecoverable virus onto your personal computer system that will reduce your electronic world into something between a Commodore 64, and a block of government cheese... call me later!

3x19 Tabula Rasa


Season 4

4x02 The Angel Maker

Emily: He's so lifelike.

  • Reid's theory about an evil twin and an eviler twin...and the ensuing reactions of the team.
  • As the team discuss the case while pretending it's not relevant an executed man's DNA is at the scene.

Rossi: There are parachutes aboard, right?
Reid: Standard on all federal air transport.
Rossi: Maybe we can give one to the elephant in the room, get him out of here?

4x04 Paradise

  • Garica just gave important information to the team.

Reid: Thank you Garcia!
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome. (hangs up)
Hotch: Remind me to have her drug tested.

4x06 The Instincts (Part 1)

  • Reid is visiting his mother at the mental institution. He's been having visions of a dead boy. When he tells his mother he's been seeing things, she harshly whispers to him "Don't say that! They're listening!"
  • At the end of the episode, they have this exchange:

Reid: Doctor Norman gave me permission to sleep on the couch in your room tonight, if it's alright with you.
Diana: (to Norman, after a pause) If anyone tries to keep him in here any longer, I'll scratch your eyes out.
Norman: ... One night only. (leaves)
Diana: (after Norman is gone) It helps if they think you're crazy — they don't argue.

4x07 Memoriam (Part 2)

  • The team has spent a night in Vegas. When they gather for the trip home, Prentiss has one hell of a hangover, and Morgan is playing a really loud slot machine. Prentiss asks him to stop and JJ walks into the lobby and notes that there's still credit on the machine Morgan was playing and almost presses the button when Prentiss shouts "JJ, I swear to God!". JJ asks "What?" and then Rossi's wordless imitation of hungover!Prentiss just makes it. See here.
  • And the at the end of the episode, after JJ asks Reid to be her son's godfather:

JJ: So if anything should happen to us, it's up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale.
Reid: Oh, Yale. Yale. Do you want to go to Yale, Henry? That was your godfather's safety school. (Whispers conspiratorially) Don't worry, I can get you into Caltech with one phone call.

4x09 52 Pickup

  • This clip. Discovering that the UnSub has taken classes from a pickup artist, the team decides they need to see firsthand how the teacher (and thus the UnSub) works. So they need someone they know the man will try to pickup, and everyone turns to look at Prentiss, who has already been the subject of his attention. Dawning realization is accompanied by a pained "Oh, this is really going to suck."

4x11 Normal

  • Morgan gets some flack about his ability to hold a baby; when he proudly says that the baby's smiling at him, Garcia and Prentiss chorus "Gas!" as an explanation. A minute later, JJ (who has just been lamenting the fact that Hotch never smiles) points out, "You're smiling." Hotch's adorably deadpan reply? "Gas."

4x12 Soul Mates

Reid: I was able to differentiate between two distinct voices, two authors. I found various idiosyncratic words, phrases, punctuation and orthography within the blog. Entries consistent with each separate person, words like soda and pop. One guy uses dashes while the other guy uses ellipses. (chuckles)
Detective Linden: ...Where'd you find this kid?
Rossi (whispering): He was left in a basket on the steps of the FBI.


Season 5

5x03 Reckoner

Hotch: You told me you were clear to travel. You lied.
Prentiss: Naughty boy.
Reid: Uh, no I didn't. I am a doctor so technically it wasn't a lie.
Garcia: What was it, then?
Reid: Um... Second opinion.
Garcia: Huh. (beat) You're my bitch now.

  • And as a result of Reid being forced to stay with Garcia the whole episode, Reid and Garcia subsequently turn into a squabbling double act. They speak in unison and try to one-up one another over crossword clues and who gets to answer the phone.
  • You can't help but laugh when the UnSub is Killed Mid-Sentence near the end of the episode.

UnSub: Did you ever hear the joke about the two Irishmen? One sa--

5x05 Cradle to Grave

  • The SWAT team has picked the lock on the front door and entered the UnSub's house without his knowledge. The UnSub flushes his toilet, steps out of the bathroom without washing his hands, looks up, and discovers that four FBI agents and several SWAT members have apparently teleported into his kitchen and are pointing guns at him. The man's confusion is so great he doesn't even remember to raise his hands all the way.

5x09 100

  • For being perhaps the most tearjerking episode in the show's history, the 100th episode managed to pull off one good moment when the team is trying to figure out where Haley was taken. Reid proceeds to recite it word for word without seeming to ever pause or take a breath.

Morgan: Reid, what did Foyet say?
Reid:Hailey'shairlooksgooddarkShe'slostsomeweightWaitwhere'sthelittlemanAhthereheisDoeshelikeCaptainAmericabecauseofyouOhyourwifescallingmeHoldpleaseHiOpenthegateandI'llberightin.

5x17 Solitary Man

  • Rossi and Reid going to one of the dump sites. It's in a small ditch, and Rossi convinces Reid to go down and take a closer look ("New shoes, huh?"). After they're done, Rossi leaves Reid (whose leg is still messed up from getting shot in "Faceless, Nameless") there, unable to get out of the ditch on his own.

Rossi: So, how long's it going to take you to get in that ditch?
Reid: Get in that ditch? I- I got shot in the knee, remember? My doctor says I'm not allowed to do any climbing.
Rossi: (Beat) It's a ditch.
Reid: (Climbs into ditch) New boots, huh? Italian leather?
Rossi: Yeah, what can I tell you.
(They figure out crime, Rossi leaves)
Reid: Hey, Rossi, I'm going to need a little bit of help getting out of this ditch. Rossi! Rossi? (Beat) I got it.

5x20 A Thousand Words

  • The entirety of Reid and Prentiss' card game at the end of the episode.

5x21 Exit Wounds

  • Kevin referring to Morgan as 'a muscle-bound modern day 007'.

Garcia: Actually, he's more like Jason Bourne.

5x22 The Internet is Forever

  • The horrified looks on everyone's faces when Reid walks in, post-haircut.

Hotch: What, did you join a boyband?

5x23 Our Darkest Hour

Billy: Is this your son's bicycle?
Paul: What the hell...
Billy: I may have run it over.
Paul: What did you do, back over it again?
Billy: Actually... twice. (shoots him)

  • And later:

Garcia: How's my main man doing?
Reid: Uh, on the completely safe assumption that you're not talking about me, let's just say that I wouldn't wanna be this UnSub when Morgan finally gets his hands on him.
Garcia: That bad, huh?


Season 6

6x01 The Longest Night

  • When Morgan enters the UnSub's RV and discovers that he's cut Ellie Spicer's hair.

Morgan: I swear to God, when I get my hands on this son-of-a-

Reid: That actually might be good.

(Morgan turns to look at him incredulously)

Reid: Why disguise someone you're gonna kill?

6x02 JJ

  • Reid steals a bottle of Antacid tablets from Prentiss' desk:

Prentiss: Oh, again with the dairy?
Reid: I can't help it, I love dairy.

    • He then sits there, eating tablets for the remainder of the scene.
  • Prentiss, Reid and Garcia trying (and failing miserably) to pretend they hadn't been trying to figure out why JJ was in Hotch's office.

Rossi: You'd think profilers would cover better than that, wouldn't you?

6x05 Safe Haven

  • Upon finding out the name the UnSub has used:

Rossi: Niko Bellic is the name of the main character from Grand Theft Auto IV.
(everyone stares at him)

Rossi: What? I know things.

6x07 Middle Man

  • Garcia hands out tablet computers with information about the case:

Reid: (Pained expression) We've gone paperless?
Garcia: (Hands him a file) Fear not, doctor of the dark ages. I went old-school for your anti-technology quirk, paper file, hard copy photos, but the abacus is your responsibility.
Hotch: (Dubious look) Garcia, not that I don't appreciate your efforts, but exactly where did the funding for these come from?
Garcia: (Looks not unlike a deer caught in the headlights) I did a thing.

Hotch: A thing?

Garcia: Best not talk about the thing.

Hotch: We'll talk about the thing later.

6x16 Coda

  • Seaver responds to an unheard remark about Doctor Who.

Seaver: Is that the one where they fly around in the phone booth?
Reid: First of all, it's a police box. Not a phone booth. Second of all, Doctor Who started a quarter of a century before Bill and Ted even went on their bodacious adventures so really they should have just called it Bill and Ted's Excellent Rip-off. At least then they would've made-

Seaver: I'm really sorry.

Reid: For what?

Seaver: Asking.

6x24 Supply & Demand

  • Morgan shows some unexpected maths skills:

(Morgan and Rossi are inspecting a car)
Rossi: Tank's three-quarters full.
Morgan: Well, it says here capacity's 18 gallons. 15 miles per gallon, he used up a quarter tank, so he must have fueled up about 70 miles ago.
(Beat)
Rossi: Okay, Reid.


Season 7

7x02 Proof

7x04 Painless

  • Reid and JJ discuss high school, JJ denies she was a 'mean girl':

JJ: I was actually one of the nice girls. Even to guys like you.
Reid: Guys like me- I'll have you my social standing increased once I started winning at basketball.
JJ: Oh yeah, you played basketball?
Reid: (disparagingly) I didn't play- I coached basketball. I wrote down the opposing team's shooting strategy.
(beat)
JJ: Is that why Morgan kicked you out of the pool last week?
Reid: (smiling) Yeah, it took him three rounds to realize I was hustling him.
JJ: Huh.

  • Reid goes batshit when his phone keeps ringing:

Reid: (phone rings) Son of a bitch! (answers phone) Hey, this is Dr Spencer Reid, and I actually can come to the phone right now, with a special message that your mother is a-

Hotch: Reid!

Reid: (hanging up) Sorry, I'm really sorry, I don't know what got into me.

(later in the conversation, Reid silently realizes Morgan's behind the constant ringing, then Hotch leaves)

Reid: (muttering) I will crush you.

Morgan: What?

Reid: What?

Recorded!Reid: We interrupt your regularly scheduled musical selection with an important announcement. Never wage a practical joke war on an MIT graduate, because we have a history of going nuclear. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the dulcet sounds of me, screaming in your ear! AAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

(Morgan rips off headphones and looks at Reid, who is sleeping opposite him)

Morgan: Okay, kid, that was cute, but that's all you've got?

(Reid pretends to snore, and smiles. Morgan's phone rings)

Morgan: (answering phone) Hey, baby g-

Morgan's phone: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

(Reid smiles, still pretending to be asleep)

Morgan: Uh huh. Okay, Reid, it's over. Just know that paybacks are a bitch.

(Reid snores)

7x07 There's No Place Like Home

  • Reid goes off one of his typical long winded brainstorms he abruptly interjects this:

Reid: I'm rambling aren't I?
Hotch: Yes.
Reid: I should probably get to the point.
(And then goes off on another long winded brainstorm, which of course leads them to a genius revelation about the nature of the killer.)

  • Garcia gives her thought on her job:

Reid: Trying looking for thefts involving body parts, specifically left legs.
Garcia: Okay, eugh! See, this is why I can't talk about how my day was at dinner... Or breakfast, or lunch-
(Newspaper article flashes up on her computer screen with the headline "Leg stolen from funeral home")
Garcia: (whispering) Spencer, you scare me.

    • Immediately following the above, the wounded/confused/innocent look Reid gives Rossi when his response to Garcia is "Join the club!"
  • Reid explains to Garcia the appearance of a 'Hook Echo' tornado:

Reid: They're swirling hook-like radar signatures that look surprisingly like what you'd expect them to.

7x10 The Bittersweet Science

  • Garcia demanding to know if Hotch is dating.

Garcia: (via webcam) Okay, Rossi, out with it. Is Hotch dating anyone?
Rossi: (leans in to the webcam) I. Don't. Know
Reid: You know, statistically, widowed men start dating much faster than females, but Hotch is refuting the data. It's been two years and 19 days.
Garcia: Venus has aligned with Mars, which means love is in the air and maybe we will have weekends off.
Morgan: (sees Hotch and clears throat to warn Garcia)
Garcia: What? Is he standing there? He's standing there, isn't he?

Hotch: Hello, Garcia.

Garcia: Hello. Someone talk about the case.

7x12 Unknown Subject

  • The plane scene in the beginning.

Prentiss: (sees only Hotch on the plane) I’m sorry, I thought you said 10:30.
Hotch: I did. For you. Have a seat. (Prentiss sits down) I received Dr. Merrill’s assessment. I wanted to review it with you.
Prentiss: Here?
Hotch: Well, I get tired of being profiled through my office window.

Prentiss: Well, what is there to discuss? She gave me a clean bill of heath.

Hotch: (reads from file) The patient shows no hesitation tackling difficult goals as part of reintegrating into her life. She has reached out to her mother.

Prentiss: I’m going to.

Hotch: And has started a romantic relationship with a man named Sergio.[1]

(later in the conversation)

Hotch: Sergio?

Prentiss: He is the perfect man. He doesn’t hog the covers and he poops in a box.

7x13 Snake Eyes

  • Reid explains why it would be best to send him undercover to an exclusive, high-stakes poker game.

Reid: I am banned from casinos in Las Vegas, Laughlin and Pahrump because of my card-counting ability.

    • Then, when Rossi doubts his poker skills, Reid proves he has a fail safe way to win at poker. With a complex mathematical equation.
  • Reid, trying desperately hard to fit in at the poker game.

Reid: Eight thousand dollars... That's 56 months wages for the average person in Bangladesh. Kinda makes you think doesn't it?
Rest of the table: *Stares at Reid*

7x15 A Thin Line

  • Hotch and Rossi are arresting a skeevy racist politician who's incited an unstable young man to commit several home invasion multiple murders, and he won't stop protesting his innocence and trying to put it all on the kid.

Hotch: You have the right to remain silent.
Rossi: Please feel free to exercise that right.

7x16 A Family Affair

  • At the end of the episode on the plane ride back home, JJ complains about forgetting to book a babysitter for her son so she can go with Prentiss and Garcia to "ladies' night out."

Prentiss: Oh. Still no sitter?
JJ: My sitter is not available. Apparently I have a better chance at winning the lottery than getting a sitter on a Saturday night.
Reid: What’s going on tonight?
Prentiss: Oh, it was ladies night but...
JJ: I forgot to book a sitter.
Reid: I’ll do it
(Oh Crap look from JJ and Prentiss)
JJ: Spence
Reid: What I’ve seen an episode of Mr. Belvedere.
JJ: You’ve never babysat by yourself before...
Prentiss: Well... He could do a couple of hours...
Reid: What Could Possibly Go Wrong??

  • Smash Cut to Hotch's race with the team in crowd. The girls are wearing sunglasses and look like hell.

Reid: (cheering as loud as possible) A couple of hours. A couple of hours! You guys didn't come home until sunrise!
(Death Glare from the girls)
JJ: (deadpan) Why are you yelling?
Prentiss: (deadpan) Make him stop.
Morgan: What did you guys drink last night?
Garcia: The Green Fairy. You're in the FBI, could you get the entire crowd to stop cheering?
(cue amused look from Morgan)

  • There's also the cute moment when Morgan tells Jack to put on earmuffs and Jack puts his hands on his ears.

7x21 Divining Rod

  • Reid proves that his social ineptitude is still going strong:

Cop: You must be with the FBI.
JJ: (shakes his hand) I'm Agent Jareau, and this is Dr. Reid.
(Reid recoils from proffered handshake, choosing instead to wave.)
Cop: (gives JJ the "what the hell?" look)

  • Later:

Hotch: It's curious, one woman being at the centre of two serial killers.
JJ: Yeah, what are the odds of that?
Reid: (chirpily) Astronomical! I mean, removing from the calculation serial killer groupies-

JJ: Sorry I asked.

7x22 Profiling 101

  • Reid's evolving haircuts throughout the flashbacks.
  • A bit of hilarious narcissism:

Morgan: (Explaining how the BAU has evolved over time) ... And now we've even got our own genius.
Reid and Garcia: (In unison) Thank you!

7x23 Hit (Part 1)

  • Reid, Garcia and Kevin's Doctor Who cosplays at the beginning of the episode. Particularly when we discover that Reid knit his fourth Doctor scarf himself.

7x24 Run (Part 2)

  • While the entire ending of the finale constitutes a major CMOH, a giggling Reid blowing a kiss to Morgan and Prentiss while they try to dance is certainly liable to crack you up.


Other

  1. ↑ Sergio is the name of her cat.
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