Cracked.com/Funny

• A Fly on the Wall Look at the Cracked.com Christmas Party. Especially when Seanbaby makes the scene:

On the heels of the command, a red and blue streak shot across the camera's field and slammed into Wong, sending both of them flipping into the background with a series of sickening thuds. It was Seanbaby. When they stopped rolling, he stood, now wearing all of David Wong's clothes. Wong, himself, was dressed from head to toe in a skin tight, red and blue, leather jumpsuit that I can only imagine had adorned Sean's body before the attack. Around the seams were tiny spots of blood, where Sean had stapled the outfit to the unconscious man. I thought about asking him how he did that, but I opted for silence, for fear that after asking the question, I'd turn around to find him standing behind me, fully prepared to demonstrate.

• The Most Horrifying Writers Room Ever.
• 100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines.
• I nominate A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever
• The Sex Offender Shuffle.
• Cracked Topics on dongs.

When it was clear to us that a careful study of dongs was in order, we decided to explore the many aspects of the dong phenomena. The popularity of dongs is unprecedented, and it is our responsibility to dive right in and try to deliver while such an insatiable public hunger for dongs exists.

• Cracked's list of posters for possible movies based on websites. Guess which site was #1.
• Revisiting Old-School Text Adventures as a Jaded Modern Gamer
• Most of The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of all Time is hilarious, but number 1 in particular stands out: Someone tied pot around their dick and tried to smuggle it into prison. When the police found it, he said that it was simply "a misunderstanding".

How This Excuse Could Work: No way. There is no way this could work. No series of events could have possibly come together for you to accidentally tie 9 grams of pot around your dick. What, did you fall into a huge pile of pot, get some on your dick, and then not bother to check after?
Better Excuse: "I'm actually an undercover agent of the DEA. I'm on a mission to find homosexual pot dealers by tying pot around my dick. Its called fishing, and its awful". Hey, at least they'd give you some points for creativity.

• Frosty the Snowman declares War on the War on Christmas. Crosses so many lines it looks like the Snarl.
• I nominate Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind With Sims 3. Basically, Seanbaby creates a nightmarish world for one fat, hydrophobic Sim and watches as madness slowly takes over. What really kills it is the final experiment:

When you create a Sim, it records a copy of them. This allowed me to go back to the menu and start the game over with a fresh genetic clone of Subject Beef and Turbo Sexaphonic. With science marching along next to me, I moved them into the burned-out, haunted remains of my old facility to recreate our grand experiment. What happened next is a true story: the clone rummaged through the trash for exactly 25 hours, then ran to the pool to sink and die. It's like the first thing he did after being created was remember what I had done. Going over all this data, I can conclude that science and all the dark-sided Gozar-summoning magic it brings with it can kiss my ass.

• The 17 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Posters mights seriously be the funniest thing this troper has ever read. Number 13 in particular. . . "If this were a smoking ad, you wouldn't be reading this right now because your dad would have died of lung cancer when he was 11."
  • Number 13 is the image for Public Service Announcement. Now try to look at it the same after reading their interpretation: "If the ghost of chalk Hitler is so pleased by people driving alone, why does he look so terribly sad? Maybe because the stone cold pimp in the driver's seat just made him watch while his dick played hopscotch with the ghost of chalk Eva Braun."
  • And Number 1. It's a poster trying to promote peace between Taiwan and China... depicting a bunch of nubile Asian women in bikinis laying about. "Problem? Who said there's a problem? This is the best damn thing we've ever seen."
• Michael Bay Presents: Fishing.
• 6 Brilliant Inventions That Look Like Gag Gifts. The first item on the list is Powdered Water. The author mentions a classic joke email about Dumb Blonde Inventions, that features things like "solar-powered flashlight," "pedal-powered wheel chair" and, of course, "powdered water". But after the entry explains that powdered water, or rather "dry water", is a really useful thing, the author remarks "So we guess we should go looking for a pedal-powered wheelchair now?". Guess what's the next item on the list.
• 4 Great Sex Advice Books for People Who Hate Sex. Especially the last one.
• Put DOB, Swaim, and Abe Epperson in liveblog with a bunch of rambunctious commenters for an hour, and watch the chuckles pour in.
  • For extra hilarity do it twice.
• 6 Movie Plots That Could Have Been Solved In Minutes, particularly #6.
• 32 insane movie ideas built on existing movie titles. Funniest. Photoshop. Contest. EVER.
  • Even more hilarious is that one of those "ideas"- "Red Dawn Of The Dead" is actually a real unproduced script, not sure whether the Cracked writers knew about it or not, but it sure is an amazing coindidence, you can read it here: http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/reddawnofthedead.html
• The Sadness of Toy Story measured in Tears.
• Anything involving Popsicle Pete, the herald.
• If Every (famous) Person Got What They Deserved: the #3 entry? PRESIDENT Bruce Campbell.
  • Speaking of celebrity presidents: 24 Things Other Countries Suspect About Life in America, the #9 entry: PRESIDENT Gary Busey, screaming at the top of his lungs while wearing a cowboy hat and playing Sudoku on presidential letterhead.
• Seanbaby's explanation for the Kool-Aid Man's wall-smashing tendencies: "He's a creature made entirely out of tap water, sugar and a pouch of carcinogens. His body can't decide whether it wants to evacuate its liquid, run as fast as it can or die, so he just charges the nearest building in a desperate attempt at all three."
  • Also, from the Burger King entry:

Man: Holy shit!
Burger King: YOU'VE BEEN DEAD FOR HOURS.
Man: What is this?
Burger King; GIVE ME YOUR TEETH.

• From this article, starting with #6:

According to Joseph, his friends had left the party reading quotes from the bible to each other and were on their way to assist the homeless. According to the police, the group was shooting off flamethrowers and wheeling a giant cannon down the street toward an orphanage. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

• • After that,

Joseph was rushed to the hospital where doctors discovered the 19 bullet-holes in his body. The attending physician later testified that Joseph was "probably in severe pain." Dr. Obvious likely went on to say that the red stuff pouring out of Joseph's body was "probably blood."

• • In # 5, we have:

When the doctors at the field hospital found out he had a whole, working rocket inside him, there was the usual panic and screaming until someone finally calmed down enough to try and save his life. This was despite the fact that the army manual called for him to be dumped far away from everyone and treated last. Seriously, nothing makes you more unpopular to a group than having a live bomb inside you.

• • # 3

Back in 2006, a guy in Oregon got really depressed, probably because he realized he lived in Oregon. He decided it was time to end his life and after ruling out faster, better, more proven alternatives, he decided he would end it all by shooting himself in the head with a nailgun (we've all been there, right?). We're going to go out on a limb and assume that he was probably a bit disappointed when the first nail pierced his skull and he found himself still alive and in Oregon.

He was serious about ending it all though and kept pulling the trigger on the nail gun like a guy waiting for an elevator. By the time he was done, he had a dozen nails embedded in his head. It's unclear why he stopped but a good guess is because it really hurts to shoot nails into your skull.

• 9 Self Defense Gadgets Your Mugger Will Find Hilarious .

• The 6 Most WTF Special Edition Comics Ever Released
  • Dear fucking lord, that encyclopedia is hilarious. To the people that doubt the hilarity of it, it's source of the trope And That's Terrible.
  • Special mention should also go to #5 the Knight Gallery. There's nothing quite as amusing as looking at Batman's Fashion Journal.

• 10 Mustache Styles That Must Be Stopped. Especially number two, the 'Finger Mustache'. The Running Gag of this article is that people don't actually look as cool as they think they do when wearing these mustaches. This represented by showing one picture of what you think you look like (which shows an image of a cool or stylish person) and what you actually look like (accompanied by an image of a geeky or creepy person). In number two, it shows the picture of the Finger Mustache for the 'what you think you look like' category. For the 'what you actually look like' category, it shows a picture of a douche. Literally.

• The Robert Brockway article "5 Terrifying Things Movies Don't Tell You About Los Angeles", which is basically about how much Los Angeles sucks, includes a brief section on how jobs require you to have pretty headshots even when you're not going to be seen by the customers and Brockway posts a few of said headshots of his coworkers. Now, roughly half the comments are about how attractive Soren Bowie is , with many people apparently forgetting about the entire rest of the article.
• Liquor is the other lesbian mother of invention
• The 7 Best Kinds of Monkeys: A Drunk Column
• Cracked gives us the greatest break-up ballad ever.
• 6 Superfriends Villains That Didn't Give a @#%*. From the increasingly lower "Amount of a shit given in regards to physics and reason" to some of the madcap reimaginings of screencaps taken right from the show:

Astronaut 1: Oh Crap. This thing says the moon is hollow.
Astronaut 2: Weird.
(rumbling, then a monster emerges)
Moon Monster: REEEAWWHKRRR! (snatches up one of the astronauts in its talons)
Astronaut 2: Sweet! SWEET! This is why I became an astronaut! TO DIE LIKE THIS! EXACTLY LIKE THIS!

• • Hell, the actual quotes from the episodes are ridiculous:

Apache Chief: I can't believe it! A moon creature, as big as the--
Superman: THIS IS A JOB FOR SUPERMAN! (flies off)
Apache Chief: (indignant glare)

• • • "Colossus, a Giant of Giants" summed up in two panels:

(Superman and Apache Chief are watching as the Earth gets absorbed by a gigantic, stringy gray beard)

Superman: Is that, like, live? We're in a beard?! Who's filming this?! Haha this is fucking stupid. We should be dead.

Apache Chief: Hold on. I think I have a plan...

(Smash Cut to Apache Chief wrestling Colossus in space)

Apache Chief: INDIAN WRESTLING IN OUTER SPACE!!!

• • A comment sums up all of it up perfectly:

What. The. Epic. Fuck?

• The 5 Craziest War Stories (All Happened on the Same Ship). The entire thing, but especially #4 an #3.
• One from the forums; both the Ballad of Douche Quadbike and the resulting aftermath are pure gold.
• Most of DOB's stuff is gold, but "An Apology to the Town That I Turned into 'The Hunger Games'" is especially brilliant
• This article discusses the Carnivore Confusion of the Hamburglar living in a world where hamburgers are people.

Hamburglar: "A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with McNuggets and a vanilla milkshake. Rabble rabble."

• This article about pregnancy has its Nightmare Fuel watered down by some funny image captions. Like the one about "cheeseburger crotch" which shows a horrified woman holding a cheesburger with this caption:

Oh, we forgot to tell you not to read this during lunch.

• 7 WTF Military Weapons You Won't Believe They Actually Built on the efficacy of Russian tanks; "Dammit, they found our one weakness; anything that isn't snow."

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