Chain of Deals/Quotes

• Sure, I can give you the GREEN KEY, but first I need some WHEAT so I can cook bread for my sick mother!
  
• Why yes, I could give you some WHEAT, but the DOORKNOB fell off my door and I can't get inside!
  
• Of course I have an extra DOORKNOB, but I need my CROWN OF THE WALRUS LORDS back so I can be king again!
  
• Hello, welcome to my DOORKNOB shop! I could sell you one, but I only accept SQUID INK as currency!
  
• Yes, I am a SQUID. But if you want any of my INK you'll have to bring me some DELICIOUS FISH.
  
• Certainly I could catch you a fish, but my LUCKY FISHING LURE has gone missing!
  
  • I put the LUCKY FISHING LURE in that chest, but you need the GREEN KEY to open it.
    
  • Heeeey big boy, I'm a DELICIOUS FISH, but you won't catch me without a NET, silly boy!
    
• I am Ogroth, supreme fisher of the Northern Reach. I will give you my NET, for I no longer need it, if you can stay awake through my BORING GENEALOGY LECTURE.
  
• To stay awake through his BORING GENEALOGY LECTURE you'll need a MASSIVE AMOUNT OF CAFFEINE.
  
• To get the MASSIVE AMOUNT OF CAFFEINE, you will need to go to a DRINK MACHINE.... Unfortunately, the only coinage it accepts are TUSK-TOKENS... Perhaps you could find some in the nearby WALRUS KINGDOM.
  
• The WALRUS KING is willing to pay you TUSK-TOKENS but only if you help him SILENCE THE PRETENDER.
  
• SILENCE THE PRETENDER? Sure, I can help you with that, but first I'm supposed to STEAL THAT GUY'S CAT
  
  • Sure, you can STEAL ME, but first bring me DELICIOUS SQUID
    
  • The cat WILL COME WILLINGLY if you help it AVOID IT'S ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
    
  • The only way to get the CAT out of his ARRANGED MARRIAGE, is if you can find a SUITABLE MATE OF EQUAL VALUE for his intended, the WALRUS PRINCESS.
    
  • You want to kidnap the WALRUS PRINCESS? That seems like a bad idea, but I guess if you got a FAKE MUSTACHE, you could sneak her away...
    
  • The best FAKE MUSTACHES come from cat hair, I suppose you could always try to find a CAT DEALER
    
  • The CAT DEALER is willing to give you some CAT HAIR if you can convince his LANDLADY to accept this month's RENT three weeks late.
    
  • RENT? Yeah, I've got a DVD of that somewhere, but I can't find it without my ENORMOUS GLASSES!
    
  • Hahah! I stole your ENORMOUS GLASSES! And I won't give them back until you get me a BOOMERANG to throw at my wife!
    
  • You'll need a SPECIAL LENS to find the INVISIBLE BOOMERANG SALESMAN
    
  • I've got a SPECIAL LENS right here! ...Er, whoops! I just dropped it into the pudding, and we can't get it out without a BIG SPOON
    
  • I am the gnomish Keeper of the Spoons! I will give you a BIG SPOON only if you ASSASSINATE THE WALRUS-KING!
    
    • But how will he give us TUSK-TOKENS then?
      
    • The WALRUS-KING has been fallen! You must recover the rare ORCA OIL so that we may anoint a new monarch.
      
  • Ah, good! Now take this BIG SPOON, use it to get the SPECIAL LENS out of the pudding so you can use it to find the INVISIBLE BOOMERANG SALESMAN to buy a BOOMERANG for the man who stole the ENORMOUS GLASSES from the owner of the RENT DVD, so you can give that to the CAT DEALER and manufacture a FAKE MUSTACHE to disguise the WALRUS PRINCESS so you can kidnap her and wed her to the CAT, gaining the alligance of the man who will SILENCE THE PRETENDER, earning you the KING'S TUSK-TOKENS, which you can use to buy CAFFEINE from the DRINK MACHINE, allowing you to stay awake through OROTH'S BORING GENEALOGY LECTURE, at which point he will bestow upon you the NET to catch the DELICIOUS FISH to feed to the SQUID in exchange for its INK so you can buy a DOORKNOB for the man with WHEAT, then take the wheat to the man with the GREEN KEY!
    

Easy, right?
* This doesn't work any more. The Walrus King was the one who wanted us to SILENCE THE PRETENDER.

• Wait... Why did we need the GREEN KEY?
  
  • I have now lost track of why the green key was even needed at this point . . cats?
    
  • I think the FAIRY KING said you needed it to turn the land green again. Endless winter and such.
    

Now all you have to do is fight your way to the GREEN VAULT, where you'll discover that he's double-crossed you, marking the end of CHAPTER ONE.
Easy, right.

• Whoops, it looks like I had the BLUE KEY all along, maybe you should find the CHEST this goes to!
  
• You open the GREEN CHEST with the GREEN KEY. Inside is a BLUE CHEST.
  
• You hear a MEWING from inside the BLUE CHEST; maybe you should take it to the CAT DEALER.
  

— /tg/, mocking this "plot".