< Castle (TV series)

Castle (TV series)/Funny


Here's some funny from Castle:

  • The Teaser of "Always Buy Retail" ends with Castle having the oddest look on his face for someone being orally serviced.
  • The entire climax of "Home is Where The Heart Stops." Just watch.
  • In episode Lucky Stiff, Beckett & co. move in to arrest a pair of murder suspects, who are in the middle of recording a rap with the title (or at least the recurring motif) "Get On The Floor". Beckett orders the technician to cut the music.

Suspect: What the hell, yo, that was slammin'!
Castle: Three armed cops and a writer makes four. You're under arrest - so get on the floor.

  • Guess who's got a date with a prostitute?
  • The bathroom stall scene at the end of "Fool Me Once": Beckett sneaks into a girls bathroom stall to finally start reading Heat Wave only for Castle to pop up in the stall next to her, effectively scaring the shit out of her to the point where she can't form anything other than a sputtered "WHAT???". Castle only came in to tell her that the sex scene between Rook and Nikki happens on page 105 and then leaves. Beckett sits stunned for a moment, bites her lip, and then actually turns to page 105. The look on her face as she reads is priceless. Oh heck, why not read it yourself.
  • The opening of "Vampire Weekend": "Didn't you wear that like, five years ago?"
  • "... Or else Father won't be quite himself tonight... Muhahahahahahahahahaha--* cough* "
  • Infomercial mogul/drug smuggler Johnny Vong. "I come to this country on a boat--now, I OWN A BOAT!" Complete with Castle and Esposito imitating him with the goofiest looks on their faces.
    • "I OWN A BOAT!" recited by Johnny Vong, Castle, and Esposito IN UNISON, don't forget.
  • In 2x14:

Beckett: I have no life.
Lanie: No, Mr. Bishop (indicates the Body Of The Week) has no life. That's why he's on my table.

  • There's also the bit in "Tick, Tick, Tick..." when the FBI agent talks about how Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook had sex in the book, and Beckett denies she and Castle have. Leonard Roberts' character has the oddest not-quite-a-smirk on his face as he turns away.
    • Also in "Tick, Tick, Tick..." Castle takes some creative liberty with the engraved bullets that spell out "NIKKI":

Look, it spells "Kinki!"

  • One line in "Boom" had Firefly fans laughing:

Castle: (reacting to shooting the gun out of the bad guy's hand) I was aiming for his head.

  • The beginning of "Boom," when Castle found Beckett alive, hiding in her bathtub.

Castle: (seeing Beckett) Kate! You're alive! Oh, and you're naked!

  • "His alibi checks out...looks like he WAS coaching an underprivileged youth basketball league, after all."
    • Castle, utterly miserable with jealousy at the too-good-to-be-trueness: "Oh, geez."
  • In "Den of Thieves", Beckett calls Demming, whom she's been semi-flirting with since the episode began (Castle is less than pleased, of course). He is already walking in the room, though:

Beckett: I was just calling you!
Demming: What a coincidence. I was just coming to see you.
Castle: Wow. It's like we're all on the same case.

  • Pretty much all of "The Mistress Always Spanks Twice" but this troper especially loves this bit:

Lanie: Look, I'll do the chocolate, the honey, even the whipped cream, but caramel? I prefer slippery to sticky.
Castle: (grabs Ryan's arm) Does she know we can hear her?

  • The entire sequence of Castle and Alexis playing laser tag, complete with made up roles to play.

Castle: Run, young rebel, but you'll never defeat the forces of Voltar!

  • "We are so totally doing battle on the field of honor here, Mom!"
  • Also, in Overkill:

Castle: (demonstrating a shaving cream) This stuff will change your life! (squirts it onto Esposito's hand)
Esposito: (in surprise) It's hot!
Castle: It's hot!
Ryan: It's hot?
Castle: It's hot! (squirts some onto Ryan's hand)
Ryan: It's hot!

    • The best part is that it cuts to Lanie and Beckett, who are watching them and rolling their eyes, obviously thinking "Boys!"

"This is like Sex in the City, only with boys..."

  • In "Food to Die For", Alexis is upset as she is torn between going to the Hamptons for the weekend or studying for her upcoming exams. Castle, meanwhile, is playing with some liquid nitrogen, and comes up with a solution...

Castle: Maybe by this weekend I’ll find a way to take this tank of liquid nitrogen and build it into a weather machine. I’ll make it rain, your friends will have to cancel their trip, you won’t have to choose and then, we can Take Over the World! Mwahahahaha!

Alexis: Not helpful.

Castle: But evil!

    • Not to mention that a moment later he drops his watch into the solution and then comments, "Look, I froze time."
  • Another gem in "Food to Die For" that sends Caskett shippers squeeing. Beckett suspects her old high school best friend of being the killer and ends up taking Madison downtown in the middle of the latter's date with Castle. Beckett and Castle argue Like an Old Married Couple, but what follows is priceless. Note how she doesn't deny what Madison is saying.

Madison: No, I get it. You're hot for Castle. Yeah. You wanna make little Castle babies!
Beckett: Maddie! He can hear us!

Castle: You are LAME! YOU ARE SO LAME! La-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaame!

    • What makes it funnier is that he's shouting so loud, you can hear a faintly muffled "LAAAAME!" from inside the interrogation room.
  • Castle's explanation of how a man was killed with a 200 year old bullet turns out to be... time-traveling killer. Normally, this would be par for the course if he hadn't turned around with a huge smile and hand up for a high-five which is promptly ignored by Beckett and Lanie.
  • "I'm giving you the bird."
  • "I got it! She didn't vote for Obama!"
  • This troper likes this moment:

Castle: What turned you off, that he was wearing a rug? [[[Beat]]] Too soon?

  • My favorite:

Castle: How often do people die in neighborhoods like this?
Beckett: Same as all the other neighborhoods, Castle. Just the once.

  • "So...she was stabbed with the Washington Monument?"
  • One visual Incredibly Lame Pun happened when Beckett was trying to get a suspect (a stripper) to come with her. Beckett tells him to "cool off," but he doesn't listen. More firefighter strippers surround Beckett. Then Castle comes with a fire extinguisher and cools them down for her.
  • Beckett being confronted with her past as a model.
  • In He's Dead, She's Dead, when Beckett reads out the victim's letter predicting her own murder, Castle makes a sound between a gasp and a squeak that is so hilarious it just had to be ad-libbed.
  • "Sure, if it's okay with your gun." (Beat) "I mean, dad."
    • After Castle's inadvertent Twerp Sweating has caused Ashley to spend a minute or two hysterically blabbering about how much he respects Alexis and Castle himself before leaving, Castle's deadpan reaction is priceless:

I like him. He's respectful.

  • Castle tries to interrogate Beckett on what she wears beneath her clothes. The look on his face after he suggests "Commando?" may cause sides to split.
  • Pretty much the entire episode, "Nikki Heat," which is little more than an excuse to have two Becketts on-screen at the same time.

Ryan: So uncanny.
Esposito: Spooky.
Castle: Sexy.

    • Later, she receives an item to "help with [her] research." Two scenes later...

Beckett: I contacted other precincts to find out who else is investigating her and for what.
Rhodes: (walks into the room with Beckett-styled wig and pantsuit) Talk to enough people, something usually shakes out.

Castle: (pencil falls out of hand, as Beckett stares at Rhodes) Just like I dreamed it...

Beckett: (GLARES at Castle)

Castle: ...Did I say that out loud?

This scene just keeps on giving, as it is immediately followed by...:

Random officer: (enters and hands Rhodes a report) Here you go, Beckett.
Rhodes: Thanks, Johnson. (turns to Beckett) It's "Johnson," isn't it?
Beckett: (agitatedly snatches the report) It's Velazquez. And you are not me.

And then capped off with...:

Beckett: (harsh whispering after Rhodes leaves) You cannot tell me that that is normal.
Castle: (softly) She's just committed to the role. (leaving the office) You should be flattered.
Beckett: (to self) Yeah. Sure. Until she steals my boyfriend and kills me in my sleep.

Rhodes: Can I ask you a question?
Beckett: Sure. (takes a huge swig of coffee)
Rhodes: (Beat) Is Castle gay?
Beckett: (huge spittake)

After a thorough deconstruction/lampshading of the Caskett UST, she asks...:

Rhodes: You're Nikki Heat, he's Jameson Rook. I need to sleep with him in the name of character research. Could you talk to him?

Beckett: (completely dumbfounded) And say what?

Rhodes: I dunno, give him permission or something.

Beckett: (mouths a few words, then settles on:) I need to go... (points in random direction ) over there. (exeunt stage left)

    • Next scene, Beckett observing Rhodes doing an uncanny impression of her at the whiteboard. She is subsequently joined by Castle:

Castle: Everything okay?
Beckett: Do I really do that?
Castle: Yes. And it's adorable.
Beckett: If it's so adorable, why didn't you sleep with me? (Beat) Her me, not me me.

Castle: Oh. Well, a fictional character that I wrote, based on you, played by Natalie Rhodes? It's just...way too meta.

And then Ryan.:

Ryan: We should have a code word so we know which Beckett to kill when our clone army attacks.
Beckett: Unless we make a pre-emptive strike.

And then Esposito.:

Esposito: What're you guys doing?
Ryan: Hiding from Creepy!Beckett.
Beckett: (exasperated) We're not hid... (gives up) What did you find?

    • Whenever Ryan is around Natalie Rhodes, who happens to be not only a favourite actress but one of his 'freebie five', he gets an instant case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. The results are hilarious.

Castle: [After Rhodes has just accurately mimicked one of Beckett's statements in an interrogation] Wow, that was a really good Beckett.
Ryan: Yeah. Almost creepy-great. Not that you're creepy. Just... great.

Beckett: She thought you lied to her.
Ryan: Yeah. And then she found out I was working with you [Natalie Rhodes], which I hadn't told her...
Natalie Rhodes: What's the big deal about that?
Ryan:... You're on my list.
Natalie Rhodes: What list?
Ryan: My list. My 'freebie five'. [The others begin to look alternately amused and mortified as Ryan explains further:] The five celebrities you could sleep with if you had the chance to... [Realizes he's saying this to her face] And, ah, now she thinks that last night we... A-and I should probably stop talking right now I should call her is what I should do. [Scurries away as quick as he can]

Natalie Rhodes: [Beaming] 'Freebie five', huh? Wonder what number I am.

Beckett: Why does that not surprise me?

    • And who could not forget that one scene where not only does Natalie Rhodes debrief Castle about the investigation- stealing a particular detective's thunder, but also grabs the coffee from him that was supposedly for Beckett?
  • After Beckett practically dragging Castle to a nearby room*

Beckett: She took my coffee, Castle!
Castle: It's just coffee...
Beckett: Then what's next? My soul?!

  • Esposito to a man torturing him and Ryan. "You're too late! The cops already know about...me and Your Mom."
  • Castle's attempt at butching up.
  • In "Almost Famous" the case takes Ryan and Esposito to a male striptease agency which, coincidentally, is holding tryouts that day. As soon as they walk in the door, the owner matter-of-factly sizes them up, informs the athletic Esposito he already has enough 'A-rods' on his books, but informs Ryan that he does have women requesting 'that skinny Twilight dude like crazy', tosses him a male g-string to try on and informs him it's 'one size fits all, we can pad if need be'. Once the situation has been cleared up:

Ryan: I can assure you, this would fit.
Owner: [Smirks knowingly] That's what they all say.

    • And it keeps on giving; later, while Ryan is making the pair an expresso each and soliloquising about the unfortunate fate of their victim, a male stripper who had hopes of becoming a professional actor but kept failing, Esposito is behind his back checking out his abs in a window reflection before spontaneously beginning exercises. Apparently the 'a-rod' crack earlier stung a little:

Ryan: ... What the hell are you doing?
Esposito: 'Up to his ears in a-rods'?! I got an a-rod for that son-of-a-bitch; three years varsity ball, two years Special Forces triathlon and NYPD police calendar 2007. [At Ryan's expression] What?!
Ryan: [Long-suffering, 'I've heard this all before'] It was a group photo.
Esposito: I got letters.
Ryan: You got three. Two of 'em from your mom.
Esposito: One of them was from my mom.
Ryan: ['Whatever you say, dude'] Sure.
Esposito: ... Twilight my ass. [Storms off]

  • It's mostly a serious and pretty grim episode, but "Knockdown" still has at least one laugh-out-loud moment; when Esposito and Ryan are getting a fingerprint sample off the arm of a witness, a rather excitable and apparently not-entirely-stable young woman who excitedly jabbers about how she always attracts jerks, like the guy who once faked his own death to get out of a relationship with her, only for her to run into him in a bar. At this point, Ryan—who, like Esposito, has been listening to all this with an expression crossed between long-suffering patience and mild alarm—blurts out "Unbelievable!" which gets the perfect response from Esposito; a Death Glare which conveys the sentiment 'dude, don't encourage her,' as loudly as is possible for a non-verbal facial expression.
    • Not to mention the greatest timed "your mom" crack ever, brought up above.
  • In Overkill, the entirety of the 'cry talk' scene. It may be a cliche, but there's a reason people still use it.
  • "Setup" is a pretty serious episode, but there is one pretty funny scene where Lanie accidentally calls Esposito 'baby' while at the victim's crime scheme and of course there's a bit of teasing involved.

Lanie: (to Esposito) Not everything, baby.
Beckett: (whispers) Did you just call him baby?
Lanie: (makes a face) Ooh. Did I?
Castle: (mouths) You did.

    • You haven´t heard of the Serenity?
    • "Best. Dad. EVER."
  • In "Countdown", Castle's reaction to saving himself, Beckett, and the entire city by yanking out all the wires to the dirty bomb. It may cause sides to split. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome as well.
  • in "Close Encounters of a Murderous Kind", with Esposito's "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" to Castle and Beckett's insistance that the marks on their necks from knockout injectors are definitely not hickeys. Then Ryan walks in.

Ryan: Hey. Those hickeys?
Esposito: Yes.
Beckett: No.
Castle: I wish.
Ryan: ...Okay.

    • Also notice how, when Castle first mentions that he wished they were hickeys, Beckett is smiling.
  • The end of "Hell Hath No Fury", in which Beckett—finally getting some comeuppance for Castle's casual disrupting of her life and routine—sneaks into a reading he's hosting at a bookshop and distracts him through her decision to wear a gorgeous pink dress. Score one for Beckett... until, at the end of the scene, she learns what the character he's basing on her is to be called:

Beckett: What kind of name is 'Nikki Heat'?
Castle: A cop name.
Beckett: It's a stripper name.
Castle: Well, I told you she was kinda slutty.
Beckett: Change it, Castle.
Castle: Hang on a sec. Think of the titles! Summer Heat, Heat Wave... In Heat.
Beckett: ... Change the name, Castle.
Castle: No.
Beckett: [Moving forward threateningly] Yes.
Castle: [Casually picking up a nearby cardboard cutout of himself and holding it in front of him like a shield] No. Sorry.
Beckett: Castle...
Castle: I have artistic integrity, Beckett...
Beckett: 'Artistic integrity'?! Change the name!

  • The first suspect in "One Life to Lose" is a diehard shipper who hated the murder victim because "she was being swayed by the Can-Fonsos." Actually, her whole Die For Our Ship Rant was hilarious in a meta kind of way.
    • To say the least. She organized fans to send the network head (in-universe of Castle not in-universe of the show-within-a-show) a crate of axes!
    • This little moment, after Castle and Beckett have hit a roadblock:

Castle: Maybe we should sleep on it.
[Beckett shoots him a knowing, flirty look]
Castle: Separately! [Mock-affronted] Katherine Beckett, I never!

    • After discovering the victim's 'mother' was a con-artist pretending to be her birth mother to swindle her out of her money, and that she had been written into the victim's will before the victim found her out (thus giving motive), Esposito arrests her as she's leaving the country. After she's brought to the station, she proceeds to give the hammiest portrayal of a grieving mother ever, outside of the soap the victim wrote, to the point where Esposito, Beckett and Castle are visibly trying hard to prevent themselves from openly laughing out loud at her.

Mother: Everything in New York reminded me of Sarah. I had to escape the agonising truth that she's dead. Now, if denial... is a crime... I plead guilty.
Beckett: Good to know. How do you plead on murder?

  • The poker night scene in "The Dead Pool" where Dennis Lehane, Michael Connelly and Castle give Alex Conrad some "friendly hazing" as they go over the Case of the Week.

Michael: "Do you know what I did after I wrote my first book? I shut up and wrote 23 more."

  • "To Love And Die in LA" has a lot of funny moments, but the scene where Beckett and Castle get the suspect "interrogated" at the movie set for the Heat Wave movie. The actors playing Raley and Ochoa have hilarious dialogue as they bring the suspect in.
  • This troper loved Castle and Beckett's reactions to a man's alibi for not killing his best friend.

Castle: Your alibi for not killing him is... that you were doing his wife?
Man: (sheepishly nodding.)

  • When Castle ends up a murder suspect very briefly in the third season opener, Beckett attempts to interrogate him. It's hilarious. And at one point he calls Ryan "Annie Oakley".
  • Those occasions when Castle and Alexis invert the parent-child relationship are always comedy gold.

Alexis: Dad! You'll spoil your dinner!
Castle: [mouth full of whipped cream] This is my
Alexis: NO.

  • After Castle defuses a dirty bomb.

Beckett: We were just doing our job. Actually, I was just doing my job; I don't know what the hell he was doing.
Castle: Hey! But that's true.

  • Beckett's attempts to keep it cool when she meets a certain baseball manager/player in "Suicide Squeeze". Her face is hilarious.

Beckett: That was Joe freaking Torre. I gotta call my dad!

    • Particularly since Castle and Torre—who know each other previously—are just casually shooting the breeze and clearly not really paying attention to Beckett, who in turn is clearly attempting to psychically communicate with / scream at Castle to get him to introduce her while simultaneously keep cool.
  • The shooting range scene from "Punked"
  • Castle's comment on the bad spelling of a message left behind at a murder scene:

"I'm just saying! Whoever killed her also murdered the English language."

  • Esposito and Ryan undercover as teenagers in Kick the Ballistics.

Esposito: Oh, snaps! Is that Philip? I ain't seen you in a minute!
Ben (to bodyguard): He thinks I'm my brother. Happens with the gweilo (A Catonese term for non-Chinese people).
Esposito: Wazzup?!
Bodyguard: Move along
Esposito: Man, why you touchin' on me? Betta check yo toe! Man, tell him, Philip. Tell 'em we boys. Tell yo boy, Thor, that we boys!
Bodyguard: Go outside.
Esposito (being lifted and carried away): Man, tell him Philip! (Ben just stares) Man, Philip, you changed!

    • The conversation Beckett, Castle, Ryan, and Esposito have back at the precinct is hysterical, too.

Beckett: What the hell were you two thinking going to see Ben Lee when Gates specifically said to stay away?
Esposito: Who's gonna tell her, Beckett? Not me. (to Ryan) Do you plan on telling her what we did?
Ryan: Not me. Castle?
Castle (while taking a picture of Ryan and Esposito in their "teen clothes"): Who? Me? No way.
Beckett: Nice, smartass.

  • It's not canon, but pretty much the entirety of "Advice from Castle", where a piece of advice on effective presentation from Castle and Beckett to the new head of ABC gets a bit sidetracked with Castle's description of a perfect female presenter, which prompts Beckett to start flirting shamelessly with Castle... much to his surprise.

Castle: Um... what are we doing?
Beckett: [Seductively] We're heightening sexual tension. You know, between the male presenter and the female presenter, to create that 'will they, won't they?' vibe.

Castle: [Eager] Right! And will they?

Beckett: [Bluntly] No.

Beckett: You were stalking Buckley?
Jessup: Stalking is a pretty damn ugly word. Let's not use 'stalking', okay? I was just trying to feel the guy out, you know what I mean? Try to convince him, you know. In case you guys haven't noticed I'm somewhat of a wordsmith you know. A real master of uh, you know...of uh....
Castle: Words.

    • When Jessup is revealing his dreams of being a locksmith to Castle and Beckett in the car:

Jessup: I've always been good with locks. When I was in the joint, I was thinking how can I take this and make it more productive, you know? So, I've been applying for locksmith schools, but, you know, they won't let me in on account that I'm a felon. Can you believe that?
Beckett: A felon who wants to be a locksmith. What could possibly go wrong there?
Jessup: You don't have to be mean about it.
Castle: Yeah. Wow.
Death Glare; cut to Castle relocated to the back seat of the car with Jessup.

  • In "Cops and Robbers", Ryan and Esposito might not have has had as much in the way of Heartwarming and Awesome Moments as the other characters, but they do get one of the funnier moments in the episode, when debating on whether to enter a potential person-of-interest's apartment without a warrant or probable cause:

Ryan: Did you just hear that? I think I heard someone yell out "Help, police!"
Esposito: [High-pitched, squeaky mumble] Help! Police! [Normal] There it is again.
[They burst in]

  • Ryan, Esposito and Castle dressed as Elvis impersonators.
  • Castle preparing for the unlikely event of his death when he thinks he's been cursed by a Mayan mummy.

Castle: *stares seriously at Beckett*
Beckett: What?
Castle: Nothing.
Beckett: Castle.
Castle: ...If something were to happen to me, I want you to watch out for Alexis.

Beckett: *turns to look at him*

Castle: She looks up to you. And, if her boyfriends get frisky, you can shoot them.

Beckett: Nothing's gonna happen to you.

Castle: But if it does.

Beckett: ...Okay. *smiles*

Castle: And, would you also go into my closet and get rid of my porn collection before she finds it?

Beckett: *Death Glare*

Esposito: *appears* Don't worry bro, I got you covered on that.

  • The ending of "When the Bough Breaks", when Castle and Beckett learn from different phone-calls that their partnership is going to be extended a bit longer than either of them anticipated... at the same time.

Castle: Would I be interested in doing three more 'Nikki Heat's?
Beckett: Yes, I am aware the Mayor is facing a tough re-election this year.
Castle: I'm sorry; how much?
Beckett: No, no, I would love to help the department out in any way I could.

Castle: [excited] No, no, forget the other offer! For that kind of money I'll do a dozen 'Nikki Heat's.

Beckett: [Suddenly agitated] He wants me to what?!

Castle: [Still on-phone, but noticing Beckett's reaction and very worried] Oh -- well, that was kind of a one-time only situation with her and me...

Beckett: [yelling] Three books?! That'll take forever!

Castle: [sinking feeling] You already spoke to the Mayor...

Beckett: [To Castle; furious] I am gonna kill you!

[Castle tries to defend himself, but Beckett returns to the phone]

Beckett: No, no, no sir, I wasn't talking to you. I, ah... [seething] no need to thank me sir. I am happy to help his honour out in any way I can.

[Beckett hangs up the phone and stalks towards Castle, glaring daggers at him]

Castle: [panicking] Ah hah... you know what... I think... I'm gonna... Paula, I'm gonna... I-I-I-I'll call you back.

  • In S4's "Cuffed," the irony of Esposito telling Ryan about how being stuck together makes or breaks an relationship. Actually the episode was funny even without the parallels.
    • In an otherwise tense moment, a crazed smuggler faces Esposito and Ryan and threatens to shoot "the pretty one". The boys pause to give each other the briefest of searching looks.
    • Castle and Beckett's attempt to push the freezer, resulting in an intentional Does This Remind You of Anything? moment of Ship Tease by the writers. Brilliant.
    • When Ryan and Esposito let the bad guys go in order to get Castle and Beckett out, Ryan lifts the hatch and sees only the tiger in the basement, which prompts him to let out a panicked, mournful, "It ATE them!"
    • Beckett mentioning the possibility of being handcuffed to Castle all night again. "But next time, let's do it without the tiger." "...Next time?!"
  • In "Til Death Do Us Part", the victim of the week is found to be a bit of a womanizer when Lanie examines him. Later, the "a bit" part is scratched out when Ryan and Esposito turn up no less than fifteen women (aside from the first in the hotel room) who were involved with him. One wonders how he found time to earn money.

Castle: It's like the start of The Bachelor, but there's no Appletinis.

    • From the same episode, Esposito's jealousy over Lanie having a plus one for Ryan's wedding.
      • Related to this, Esposito spends much of the episode trying to find his own 'plus-one' for the wedding as not to be outdone. At one point, he's chatting up a pretty uniformed officer at the espresso machine when Beckett yells for him to join them over a development in the case. Unfortunately, this distracts him sufficiently to cause him to accidentally spray a jet of water right in the officer's face. Looks like he struck out there.
    • Beckett and Castle's interview with the pickup-artist. After he's spent the entire time casually bragging—and horrifying Beckett—with his exploits:

Pickup Artist: You know, you have some beautiful eyes.
Beckett: ... Seriously.
Pickup Artist: Hey, it's a numbers game. 90% of the time I strike out.
Beckett: And thus my faith in my gender is restored.

    • Ryan spends the episode 'cleansing' for his wedding by fasting and drinking lime juice. After a week and a half of this, he gets so distracted by the sight of food that he attacks Esposito over half a donut.
  • In "Rise":

Beckett: By the way, I want my gun back. (Hands Gates a folded up paper)
Gates: Hmmph. (Opens paper)

    • There's a giant hole in the center of the paper from how many times Beckett got a bullseye.
    • Gates' raised eyebrow reaction.
    • Also from "Rise":

Agitated Suspect: Get out of here!!
Castle: (quietly) Okay.
Beckett: (continues yelling and interrogating)

  • This exchange from "An Embarrassment of Bitches":

Castle: Tell me, does the phrase 'corporate espionage' mean anything to you?
Kay Cappucio: No!
[Skeptical, satisfied 'we've got her' pause from Castle and Beckett]
Kay Cappucio: No, seriously. I have no idea what it means.

  • In "The Blue Butterfly", Castle is narrating the romance of a 1940's PI and a gun moll and accidentally calls her Kate.
    • Because he's imagining the main series characters playing the lead roles; naturally, he and Kate are the PI and the moll. Esposito and Ryan? Those Two Bad Guys, working for the moll's mobster.
    • Kate initially tries to hurry him along when he's waxing poetic in his narration, but when he ends it on a cliffhanger due to the diary ending there, she wants to know how it ends.
    • After imagining Ryan as an Irish thug, he asks the real Ryan to say "boyo" repeatedly. This eventually results in...

Castle: Boyo.
Ryan: Boyo.
Castle: Boyo.
Ryan: Boyo.
Castle: Like a leprechaun.
Ryan: Castle!

  • When Castle asks Ryan to help get some pictures of Alexis' friend kissing Ashley off the Internet.

Castle: Could you get your friends in tech to get some pictures off the Internet?
Ryan: Why? Somebody find naked pictures of you again?
Castle: Actually, it's Alexis.
Ryan: *Squick face*
Castle: [Realizing] It's for Alexis.

Ryan: Okay, this just got weird. What's this about?

  • Ryan being freaked out over the dolls in "Once Upon a Crime".
    • Castle agonising over his mother one woman play about herself because of what she says about him.
  • In "Pandora", an old friend of Castle's who is heading a CIA operation Castle and Beckett have stumbled into gives them both one-touch icons on their phones which are a direct line to her. The icon on Beckett's phone is the CIA crest, while Castle's is just a bright red button with "PANIC" in white.
    • Likewise in "Pandora", Beckett's outright jealousy over learning that she's not the first woman Castle shadowed for novel research.
    • And in "Linchpin"

Beckett: Why don't you ask your girlfriend?
Lanie: Girlfriend?
Castle: Fine! We slept together! Okay? It was a long time ago! What's the big deal?
Beckett: There's no big deal! Sleep with whoever you want. The more the merrier.

Alexis: Ahem.

    • Castle and Beckett's Oh Crap faces make it perfect.
  • The dramatic confrontation between Beckett and Castle and the teenage murder suspect in "Hedge Fund Homeboys", which is all very dramatic and sinister and dark... until Castle, as soon as the kid's gone, petulantly explodes with "I hate that kid!"
  • The entirety of Ryan and Esposito's misadventures with Ryan's wedding ring in "A Dance With Death." Especially when Esposito can't get the ring off.
  • Alexis asks Castle if she can go on a college road trip with her friend, Buttons. Castle, like any good dad, asks who's going, who's driving, and who's chaperoning.

Alexis: (innocently) We were going to take your Ferrari and hook up with some boys we met on Cragislist.

  • And in season 3's "To Love and Die in L.A." we have this great exchange after Esposito shoots a perp.

Perp: You shot me in the leg, call an ambulance man.
Esposito: My partner's already on that.
Ryan: 9...1... what comes after that one?

  • "The Limey" when Det. Colin Hunt is distractedly trying to open a crate before the security guard nabs him and mentions the guard must have been working "harder than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest" complete with a stereotypical American "cowboy" accent.
    • Beckett peeking at the naked Colin just before the commercial break.
    • Lanie scoffing at Kate acting like it was a secret that she's in love with Castle, effectively lampshading the Everyone Can See It trope the show gleefully uses.
  • From "A Dance With Death":

Ryan: How can I tell my wife that I'm not wearing my ring because I lent it to Esposito... To see if strippers would flirt with me?"
Castle & Esposito both just give him a look.
Ryan (optimistically): Maybe she'll see the humor in it.
Castle & Esposito exchange looks before speaking simultaneously.
Castle: Not a chance.
Esposito: Dead man.

  • From "47 Seconds":

Castle: (to Beckett, about Gates) I think she's starting to like me.
Gates: No I'm not.

    • Also from "47 Seconds":

Castle: (to Alexis) These pancakes are usually reserved for breakups and Dancing With the Stars result shows. What's the occasion?

  • From "The Limey", just the whole opening sequence. Lanie finally convinces Kate to tell Castle how she feels. Kate says she needs to find the right time, while Lanie counters "there's no time like the present." Castle then pulls up in an obnoxious red sports car with a giggling blond in the passenger side, directly contrasting both women's comments about how Castle wasn't really that guy anymore. Lanie's awkward response as she leaves just crowns it.
  • From "Headhunters":

Slaughter: You know who I'm mackin' on? This hot new redhead, just started working there. That girl's barely street-legal.
Castle: Redhead?
Slaughter: Yeah.
Castle: About five foot five, blue eyes, intern?
Slaughter: Yeah. You know her?
Castle: That's my daughter.

Slaughter: Seriously? That girl got an ass--

Castle: *punches him*

  • A witness is being questioned for a description of someone he described as a "big, scary black guy". He can't seem to come up with a more accurate description. He turns to face Beckett (standing behind him on his way out of the precinct) to reiterate "he's a big, scary black guy" one last time, only to shut up in front of the black police officer also standing behind him. Only it turned out he stopped talking because he recognized the guy on the TV behind said officer as the very person he was trying to describe.
  • Castle's glee at working a case involving zombies in "Undead Again". After seeing a very zombie-like suspect on a traffic camera, he struts out of the briefing room and high-fives the first detective he sees. Who returns the gesture without breaking stride.
    • In the same episode, when Ryan asks Castle if he really believes in zombies.

Castle: No. You know what I do believe in? Driving Beckett crazy.

    • Not to mention the scene where Castle fools the final bad guy into confessing to the murder by dressing up as a zombie. His makeup is done so well that it even freaks out Esposito, who skittishly insists that Castle stop acting like that, much to Castle's amusement.
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