< Austin Powers

Austin Powers/Funny


(Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar)
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker!
Bird-Watching Man: (raising binoculars) Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object! It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...

Baseball Umpire: Two balls!

(looking up from game)

Baseball Umpire: What is that? It looks just like an enormous...

Chinese Teacher: Wang! Pay attention.

Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...

Musician: Willie.

Willie Nelson: Yeah?

Musician: What's that?

Willie Nelson: (squints) Well, that looks like a huge...

Colonel: Johnson.

Radar Operator: Yes, sir?

Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

  • This is repeated in Goldmember with a satellite that looks like a pair of breasts:

Radar Operator: Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.
Colonel: Which one?
Radar Operator: The one that looks like a pair of--
Hot Storekeeper: Melons! [holds up two cantaloupes] Big juicy melons!
Random Passerby: Are they nice and firm?
Hot Storekeeper: What do you think?
Random Passerby: [points into the sky] Look at that! It looks like a giant set of--
Sports Fans: [Yelling and cheering; four of their chests spell "TITS"]
 T: Hey, men, you're late.
[Two more men with "A" and "N" on their chests walk in and go between the "T" and the "S". The chests now spell "TITANS".]
Sports Fans: [More yelling and cheering]
One Fan: Check it out! Those remind me of--
Ozzy Osbourne: Boobs! [Watching the game on television]
Sharon: Boobs, Ozzy?
Ozzy: These filmmakers are f***ing boobs.

Kelly: What do you mean, dad?

Ozzy: Well, they're using the same f***ing joke as they did in the last Austin Powers movie.

Sharon: What f***ing joke?

Jack: You know, the f***ing joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's--

Colonel: Johnson! Any sign of that satellite?

  • Dr. Evil proves he's hip by doing the Macarena.
    • And after that:

Dr. Evil: Well, don't look at me like I'm frickin' Frankenstein, give your father a hug!
Scott: No.
Dr. Evil: Hugs! *Starts chasing Scott*
Scott: Get away from me!
Dr. Evil: Hugs!

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
Therapist(Carrie Fisher): Oh no, please, please, let's hear about your childhood.
Dr. Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Therapist: You know, we have to stop.

Scott: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott: You always do that!

  • From the third movie, a random Japanese pedestrian pointing out that the Godzilla attacking Tokyo is a fake.

Japanese Man: RUN! IT'S GODZILLA!
Masi Oka: It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws - it's not.
Japanese Man: STILL! WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!
Masi Oka: Though it isn't. {winks at camera}

(both scream and run away)

    • And yet apparently the copyright for the freaking Pokemon running around in the same scene was easier to obtain.
  • From Fat Bastard: "You know what my favourite Helen Hunt movie is? Twister!" (twists his sumo opponent's testicles)
  • Another Fat Bastard line: "Unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina."
  • Austin just can't resist saying the word "mole", can he?
    • MOLE! BLOODY MOLE! We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guacaMOH-LE!
    • Don't forget: "Mole. Mole. Mollleee..." "OH, SHUT UP!" "...MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY!"
  • The bit where Scotty breaks down after realizing that Dr Evil is actually Nigel Powers' son is fairly serious, until he runs off very gently.

Dr Evil: "I'd just like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl".

    • Just as amusingly, this might turn out to be a big, fat lie in a blink-and-miss it moment around the climax of the film.
  • Another famous Mood Whiplash: "It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ok, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! It smells like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!"
  • Austin having trouble reading the subtitles of Mr Roboto's dialogue.

Please eat some shitake mushrooms.
Your assignment is an unhappy one.
I have a huge rodent problem.

    • Finishing off with one line from Austin himself.

Oh, and by the way? I also have a huge rod. I wish.

  • Nigel Powers discussing about Mini Me's .... thing.

Nigel Powers: So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?
(Mini-Me nods unsure)
Nigel Powers: You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
(Mini-Me unzips his pants)
(* thump* )
Nigel Powers: My word! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!

(Mini-Me nods, smiling, then does just that)

  • "Blimey! I thought I smelled cabbage."
    • It's a Brick Joke, Austin once claimed in the first movie that he hated carnival folk. Small hands, you know, smell like cabbage.
  • "Not so fast! You're surrounded, Dr Evil!" "Shit."
  • "Alright, let me find my balls, for God's sakes! 1, 2, and 3, okay. I'm okay."
  • "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen!" (laughs, then notices he isn't getting any laughs from his submarine crew) "No? Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub..."
  • "I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl. Thank you."
  • And this little ditty:

Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's faja.
(pause)
Dr. Evil: His what?
Number 2: His faja, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: His ferdjer? What's a ferdjer?
Goldmember: His faja. You know, the faja.
Dr. Evil: You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
Goldmember: Faja, his dad, dad is faja.
Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. His * fa-ther*
Goldmember: Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that vierd?

  • And a nod to odd-sounding Bond Girl names.

 Fook Mi: (runs to Austin} Austin Powers! You're so great and so sexy!

Austin Powers: Thanks, baby! Now what's your name?

Fook Mi: Fook Mi!

Austin Powers: (pause) Oh, behave. (snickers) And your name is...

Fook Mi: Fook Mi!

Austin Powers: Can you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Fook Mi: No! Fook Mi! Like this!

(turns away so Austin can see Fook Mi written on her bag)

Austin Powers: Oh! Your name is Fook Mi!

Fook Mi: Would you like a drink?

(runs away to get drink)

Austin Powers: Actually I have a private bar...

(Fook Mi's twin sister, Fook Yu arrives)

Fook Yu: Here you go!

(gives him drink)

Austin Powers: (thinking she's Fook Mi) Fook Mi, that was fast!

Fook Yu: Fook Yu!

    • A deleted scene adds to this, Austin meets them in Tokyo, culminating in a conversation that reveals the twins' true names to be "Sally" and "Cindy."
  • "WHAT!? I DID NAE HAVE ANY CORN!"
  • This exchange:

 Goldmember: Can I paint his yoohoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know?

(Dr. Evil slowly rolls his chair right next to Goldmember)

Dr. Evil: How 'bout NO, YOU CRAZY DUTCH BASTARD?!?

  • "FIRST THINGS FIRST -- WHERE'S YA SHITTER? I GOT A TURTLE HEAD POKING OUT!... I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey!" "Charming."
  • When Austin gets back his stuff after being reanimated:

 Clerk: One blue, crushed velvet suit.

Austin: Hey, all right!

Clerk: One frilly, lace cravet.

Austin: There it is!

Clerk: One silver medallion with male symbol. One pair of Italian boots.

Austin: Bon giorno, boys.

Clerk: One vinyl record album. Burt Bacharach plays his hits.

Austin: Right, yeah.

Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.

Austin: (to Vanessa) That's not mine.

Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.

Austin: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.

Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.

 Austin: (takes a sniff of what he thinks is coffee) Phew! Basil, this coffee smells like shit!

(The camera follows Basil's gaze to the pot, which is labeled Fat Bastard Stool Sample)

Basil: ...it is shit, Austin.

Austin: Oh good, then it's not just me. (chuckles, then takes a sip) ...it's a bit nutty.

  • "You may be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debator."
  • "She looks like she's been hit with an ugly stick!"
  • After finding out that Number 2 failed to get laser-armed sharks....

 Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can not be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here. Alright, what do we have?

Number 2: Sea bass.

Dr. Evil: .....Riiiiight.

Number 2: They're mutated sea bass.

Dr. Evil: Oh, really? Are they ill tempered?

Number 2: Oh yes.

Dr. Evil: Well, it's a start.

  • The wonderful scene in Goldmember when Austin "rescues" his father from four girls at Goldmember's party. Hilarity Ensues. (Subtitles are in parentheses)

 Austin: What's wrong with your neck?

Nigel: I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours.

Both: Ah, thank you!

Austin: Listen, Dad, if you are going to talk about naughty things in front of these American girls, then at least speak English English.

Nigel: All right, my son. I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (I was about to make love to this pretty girl.)

Austin: Are you telling pork-pies and a bag of trout? (Is this true?) Because if you are feeling quigly why not just have a J. Arthur? (If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)

Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?)

Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.)

Nigel: Don't you remember the Crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)

Austin: Oh, the one who was all sixes and sevens. (The insane one?)

Nigel: Yes, yes yes she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer that lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer that lived upstairs.)

Austin: And she was the barrister that became a bobby in a lorry, (She was a lawyer who became a policeman in a truck...)

Both: ??????? (??????) ?????...tea kettle. (????...tea kettle) and then she, she she shat on a turtle!

  • When Austin uses his inherent sexiness to make several Fembots' heads explode.
  • From The Spy Who Shagged Me:

 Random Henchman: Mama!

  • "That makes me angry! And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset! And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset ... people DIE!"
  • "There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples' cultures... and the Dutch."
  • You want to wear the daddy pants?
  • The following:

 Dr. Evil: What did you call me?

Scott: Nothing. [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.

Dr. Evil: Bless you.

  • Simple, yet hilarious misunderstanding:

 Dr. Evil: Quid pro quo, Mr. Powers.

Austin Powers: Yes... Squid pro row...

This little piece of Dialogue which also doubles as an Awesome moment:

 Nigel Powers: Easy Peasy lemon squeezy. Oh put the guns down is this your first day on the job or something. Look here is how it goes. You attack me and I knock you down with a single punch. Alright, Judo Chop *knocks first guard over.* Judo Chop *knocks second guard over, making the last guard standing there holding his gun nervously.* Do you know who I am? *nods* Do you know how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years? *nods again.* Look at you, you don't even have a name tag you have no chance. Why don't you just fall down. *The guard falls over.*

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