Alternate History: The Series/Characters

Crew of the MES Alternatehistory.com

Doctor What

Captain by default, a goofy screwball with a heart of gold. Obsessed with porn and lesbians, and porn of lesbians. Canadian.

• A God Am I: Parodied with his catchphrase "AND ON THAT DAY I SHALL BECOME AAAA GODDDDDD!!!"
• Back from the Dead (Based on a True Story, would you believe)
• Catch Phrase ("I find that strangely arousing...")
• Seen It All
• Too Kinky to Torture

Grey Wolf

Second-in-command, a perpetually drunken Englishman with a thing about genealogy and plush unicorns.

• Drunken Song
• Genius Ditz
• Verbal Tic (Starts most sentences with "Um, fuck...")

Landshark

Chief pilot and third-in-command. Spends most of his time snarking at the American crew members or taking part in an S&M relationship with Ironyuppie.

• Deadpan Snarker
• The Mean Brit
• Too Kinky to Torture

Ironyuppie

For much of the show's run, the only female crewmember. Terrifies most of the men. In a relationship with Landshark. Has a sex dungeon full of people they encounter on their voyages, occasionally added to.

• Even the Girls Want Her
• Girl with Psycho Weapon (The Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death)
• Hot Amazon

Dave Howery

Chief engineer. Has a pathological hatred of Canada and an indestructible wiry beard.

• Berserk Button (Canada)
• Chainsaw Good
• Gadgeteer Genius
• Homemade Inventions

G.Bone

Engineer and teleporter operator. Hawaiian.

• Cloudcuckoolander
• A Day in the Limelight ("A Day in the Life of G.Bone")
• Genius Ditz
• Idiot Savant

Psychomeltdown

Engineer. Navajo Indian.

• Butt Monkey (often)
• Stalker with a Crush (on Alyson Hannigan)

Michael

Engineer and security officer. Australian.

• Chew Toy
• Deadpan Snarker
• Smoking Is Cool
• Use Your Head: The crew have been known to use him as Abnormal Ammo.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes? (is scared of/repulsed by ducks and redheads)

Flocculencio

General layabout and compatriot of Michael. Singaporean of Indian descent.

• Berserk Button: Anyone mentioning the name of his nemesis Justin Pickard causes him to go Axe Crazy.
• Brilliant but Lazy
• Once-Acceptable Targets (likes to lampshade this)
• Super-Powered Evil Side (In "Pasha's Pilots" after being tortured with a Reality Warper machine)
• Vitriolic Best Buds (with Michael)

Matt

Weapons officer.

• The Big Guy
• Can't Have Sex Ever
• Doesn't Like Guns: As a youngster in his origin story. Now of course he likes nothing better.
• I Call It Vera
• Joisey
• Stuff Blowing Up

Weapon M

Head of security.

• Heroic Sacrifice
• His Story Repeats Itself (likes to talk about his threesome at the first available opportunity)
• Hyperspace Arsenal

Torqumada

Ship's doctor.

• Brain In a Jar
• Deadly Doctor
• Mad Doctor
• Morally-Ambiguous Doctorate

Thande

Ship's chemist.

• Ascended Extra (appears much more often than he used to)
• Catch Phrase ("Daring Commando Raid(TM)?")
• Mad Scientist
• Oop North
• Phrase Catcher ("BLAME THANDE!")
• Stalker with a Crush: on Keira Knightley.

GBW

Ship's operations officer.

• Catch Phrase: "Sorry, logic and reason, I know..."
• Dark and Troubled Past / Hidden Depths (though only occasionally hinted at)
• Only Sane Man
• The Spock
• Straw Vulcan

Othniel

"Ensign and standard bearer", an evangelical Christian from Utah.

• Always Lawful Good
• Berserk Button ("I AM NOT A MORMON!!")
• Incorruptible Pure Pureness
• Mission from God (to destroy Doc's porn collection)

Hendryk

Quartermaster and Whatian Priest. Sinophile Frenchman.

• Hero Worshipper (to Doctor What)
• Me Love You Long Time
• Shout-Out (Likes to make HP Lovecraft references)

DMA

Security and Orthodox Sheepist Priest. Australian.

• Australian Accent
• Battle Cry ("A JIHAD ON THEIR ARSES!")

Diamond

Optician, nurse, cartographer and Reformed Sheepist Priest. Also practices Pantslessness.

• Ensemble Darkhorse
• Put on a Bus (After getting banned from the board in real life)
• Scenery Censor

Luakel

• Eager Young Space Cadet.
• Butt Monkey
• Doesn't Like Guns
• Send in the Clones (we've seen more alternate versions of Luakel than any other character, largely so the writers could kill him off in a variety of interesting ways; this eventually became the basis for a plot arc)
• Trauma-Induced Amnesia
• Wide-Eyed Idealist

Kit

Ship's operations officer. Gay Welshman.

• Camp Gay
• Land of My Fathers and Their Sheep
• Robosexual: Admires Leo Caesius' robot body's 'fabulous glutes'.
• Stalker with a Crush: On Leo.
• Stereotype Gay

Leo Caesius

The ship's computer, appearing both as a disembodied voice and incarnate in a robot body.

• A.I. Is a Crapshoot
• Computer Voice
• Cunning Linguist
• Deadpan Snarker
• Single-Issue Wonk: Obsessed with the Mandaeans.

Other hangers-on

• Big Creepy-Crawlies (subverted with The Mosquito, a giant mosquito born from a teleporter accident who is perfectly harmless - he's male, and only drinks nectar)
• No Celebrities Were Harmed (subverted with Keira Knightley, a D&D Game World artificially created clone of the actress, who is referred to simply as "Keira Knightley")
• Paper-Thin Disguise (Bobo, a flying brain with tentacles, was at once point stuffed into a Frankenstein body to impersonate Thande and none of the other crew noticed any difference)

Crew of the MES Counterfactual.net

Ward

Hard-bitten former admiral with a grudge against Doctor What and, indeed, most of the multiverse.

• Catch Phrase ("Get your head out of your ass, boy!")
• Shell Shocked Senior
• General Ripper

Grimm Reaper

Second-in-command and professional sadist. Dresses up as The Grim Reaper.

• Magnificent Bastard (at least, talks the talk)
• Pet the Dog (or cat, rather)
• Sinister Scythe

Merryprankster

Third-in-command, perpetually trying to take over.

• Her Codename Was Mary Sue
• The Starscream
• Duel to the Death and You Have Failed Me...

Kilngirl

Chief engineer.

• The Smurfette Principle
• Wrench Wench

Fortyseven

Engineer and teleporter operator.

• Zen Survivor

Romulus Augustulus

Security officer.

• The Stoic
• Teens Are Monsters

Dominusnovus

Weapons officer.

• Casanova (or Casanova Wannabe, Depending on the Writer)

Faeelin

Ship's operations and communications.

• Invisible to Gaydar

Midgard

Assault leader.

• Musical Assassin

Bulgaroktonos

Assault goon.

• The Big Guy

Darkslavik

Genetic weapons specialist.

• Gone Horribly Wrong
• Mad Scientist

Other recurring characters and groups

The Mirror Crew

Mirror Universe counterparts of the AH.commers.

• Ax Crazy (luakel)
• Darker and Edgier
• Evil Counterpart
• Gender Bender (for one episode, and continuing for Doctor What)
• Man, I Feel Like a Woman (probably the most disturbing version ever)

The Germans

A group of German mercenaries, obsessed with politics and perpetually arguing.

• A-Team Firing and A-Team Montage (due to them being compared to the A-Team, with a Panzer as their van)
• Back from the Dead (Steffen has a Heroic Sacrifice, but his essence survives as the main computer)
• Cool Tank (the Panzer)
• Funetik Aksent
• Germans Love David Hasselhoff (Oberdada is an exaggerated stereotype of this played for laughs)
• The Starscream (Alayta, though on the one occasion he did manage to take over, it didn't go well)
• Vitriolic Best Buds

The Pole Trolls

Enemies of the Germans, who infest the Wiki World (based on The Other Wiki) and seek to change reality to fit their views. Based on the large number of Polish trolls who have been known to spam alternatehistory.com's message board.

• Anime Fan Boy (The Wikimasters, the incompetent rulers of the Wiki World, are universally of this type)
• Improbable Weapon User (Human237, who steals Ironyuppie's sex toys to use as weapons)
• Rewriting Reality
• Verbal Tic (Their Armenian ally, Rafi, is unable to speak a sentence without the word "genocide")

The Lesbian Space Marines

Originating from a planet where all the men were killed by a virus. After acquiring shift-drive technology from the AH.commers, began expanding into other timelines.

• God Save Us From the Queen
• Psycho Lesbian

The Administratum of Bankind

A Grimdark civilisation perpetually at war and consisting of countless hellish hive worlds and huge warships like gothic cathedrals, presided over by a dark religion dedicated to a a dead leader upon a great golden chair. Does This Remind You of Anything??

• Church Militant
• Pstandard Psychic Pstance (Evil Mr P)
• Shout-Out and Lawyer-Friendly Cameo (for Warhammer 40K)
• Stalker with a Crush (Evil Mr P)

The Guild of Cartographers

Or Mappist Cabal, a group of elite mapmakers crewing the ship Mercator.

• Brotherhood of Funny Hats
• Gadgeteer Genius (Magnificate)
• Subversive Prophecy

The King

Saviour, religious icon and ruler of a planet. Wears white suit, eats cheeseburgers, plays guitar, has quiff. Reminds me of someone, but can't quite think who...

• Heroic Sacrifice
• Musical Assassin
• Rightful King Returns

Mike Collins

Powerful enemy of the Hub.

• Big Bad (in early seasons)
• The Starscream (in any episode involving him working for or teaming up with others)

The Alien Space Bats (ASB)

Enemies of the Hub, embodiments of chaos, and have been interfering with various timelines since at least Season 2.

• Mass Teleportation
• Medieval Stasis (ASB interference reduces many timelines to this state)
• Order Versus Chaos
• Sufficiently Advanced Alien

The Hub of the Multiverse

A vast complex in its own dimension, a place where timelines intersect. The Pub in the Hub, Ouroboros, often features - it can be accessed from any bar in the multiverse through the door labelled 'Authorised Staff Only'. The Hub also contains docks for ships, huge shopping malls, and so on.

• The Bartender (Ian, who is also possibly the most powerful being in the Multiverse)
• Canon Sue (Super 55)
• City of Adventure
• Heterosexual Life Partners (Chingo and Alt-Luakel, who are also Butt Monkeys with George Jetson Job Security)
• I Coulda Been a Contender (Hermanubis, jealous of Super 55)
• Inn Between the Worlds
• Those Two Guys (Hermanubis and Imajin)
• Wretched Hive (in places)