ALF (TV series)/Quotes

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Season 1

A.L.F.

[first line of the first episode]

Willie Tanner{as narrator}: This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.

Willie signed off on his ham radio when it starts oscillating wildly. Kate rushes in garage

Kate Tanner: Willie, the house is shaking!

Lynn and Brian rush in garage

Lynn Tanner: Daddy, the power went out in the house!

Brian Tanner: Dad, I'm scared!

Loud crash is heard; Tanner family sees a UFO crashed into their roof

Lynn: What just happened?

Willie: We have a visitor.

Tanners see an unconscious ALF in the canopy

---

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?

ALF: No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.

Woman on T.V.: If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!

---

[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]

Kate: I said no soda pop.

Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.

ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!

Kate: What!? (grunts) Give those to me!

ALF: Hey, hey, careful his is still full!

(Kate puts beer cans on the television)

Kate: Now, you just listen to me, ALF! I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house! This boy, is only six years old, he is not to drink beer, and you are not drink beer, and I don't know what it's like on...Mork, or whatever planet you come from, but....

ALF: Melmac.

Kate: What?

---

ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?

Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash?

ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel- [tries on Willie's glasses] Jeez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?

---

Willie: ALF, please stay away from the window. We have a nosy neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonek.

ALF: Ochmonek! Ha! Sounds like a typo.

Ochmonek residence. Mrs. Ochmonek looks in window and sees ALF

Mrs. Ochmonek: Trevor, get over here! There is a wierd creature!

Mr. Ochmonek sees an empty window

Mr. Ochmonek: It is just a window, Raquel! Have you been sipping the sherry again?

Mrs. Ochmonek: I could swear it was there.

Mrs. Ochmonek takes a second look then see ALF waving at her

Mrs. Ochmonek: AUGH!

---

Doorbell rings. ALF hides behind Willie while Kate answers door

Army officer: Mrs. Tanner?

Kate: Yes, who are you?

Army officer: I am Captain Blackstone of the Alien Task Force, an adjunct of Edwards Air Force Base. Have you seen an alien with orange fur, three feet tall, with a big nose?

ALF looks at his nose, but it is clear he is the one being described

Kate: What would be done to the creature?

Army officer: Our usual tests. Intense heat, freezing cold, injections with different toxins, and finally, dissection.

Kate: Why don't you just rip its toenails off while you are at it?

Army officer: Oh yes, that too. Well, I am going to assume you do not know what I am talking about. Good day, Mrs. Tanner.

Kate: Sir, who told you that we saw space aliens?

Army officer: I am sorry M'aam but that is classifed information. As such, the informant must remain ochmononek-I mean anonymous.

Pennsylvania 6-5000

Agent Hogarth: ALF called again? What happened to William Tanner?

Agent McNeil: He is still in police custody.

Agent Hogarth: Well, Tanner cannot be two places at once. Any idea who or what ALF is?

Agent McNeil: I found "Alabama Lunatic Fringe" and "American Laundry Federation".

Agent Hogarth: OK, ALF, what is it?

ALF{over radio}: I need to speak to the President.

Agent Hogarth: He is indisposed.

ALF: The bathroom again?

Agent Hogarth: No, Sale of the Century! Well, OK, give me one moment. Please hold. calling the president Sir, there is an ALF who needs to speak with you...Are you sure you want to take this?...Very well...returning to ALF...Go ahead ALF.

President Reagan: Hello?

ALF: Mr. President, I need to speak to you about the bombs.

President Reagan: Please do not mention Bedtime for Bonzo. I was under contract to make that!

Strangers in the Night

Willie: ALF, I am sorry that you cannot watch Psycho, but if you can promise me you will stay in the bedroom and not make noise, then I will consider next time that you may babysit Brian when Kate and I are out. I got you a jigsaw puzzle.

ALF: It's broken!

Willie: The idea is you are supposed to put it back together.

ALF: I did not break it!

Willie: I also got the newest issue of your favorite comic book, Shanna, Mistress of the Universe.

ALF: I don't want Shanna. I want Mrs. Bates.

---

ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window

ALF{as narrator}: Then it happened. He came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me: Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff, but I realized I had to do something; I realized I was the man of the house.

ALF: Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.

Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.

ALF: Oh, yeah!? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box!?

[Burglar screams in shock and jumps out the window]

---

Policeman: Are you Mr. & Mrs. Tanner?

Willie: Yes, Officer. What can I do for you?

Policeman presents captured burglar

Policeman: This man actually chased us down two blocks and begged us to arrest him!

Burglar: What I did was wrong, and I must be punished.

Policeman: We will get to that, for right now just relax. Do you own these?

Policeman presents stolen items

Kate: That is my brooch and my jewelry box!

Willie: My cufflinks!

Policeman: If you come to the station and complete a report for us, you can have them back...if you want them back.

Burglar: Come on, you promised, you promised!

Policeman: OK, OK! Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, this man claims he was motivated to surrender himself to us on account of seeing an odd creature with a big nose wearing a blue dress.

Mrs. Ochmonek: Well, I will go home now.

Mrs. Ochmonek is wearing a frumpy blue dress

Policeman: Well, at least you will not be able to plead insanity.

Season 2

I'm Your Puppet

ALF: Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!

---

ALF: I think I'll call him Paul.

Lynn: Paul? That's not a goofy name.

---

Brian: Hey, ALF. What are you doing?

ALF: I'm running away from home.

Paul: Oh, great. Tell the whole world.

Brian: Why are you running away?

Paul: None of your business! [laughs]

Brian: I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]

ALF: Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!

Paul: Shut up and keep tacking.

---

Paul: Give me some nuts.

ALF: But I don't want any nuts.

Paul: I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]

---

ALF: Paul, you said you were my friend.

Paul: I lied.

---

ALF: Say "goodbye", dummy!

Paul: Goodbye, dummy! [ALF throws him on the floor]

Season 3

Fight Back

Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn

ALF: Horn works!

Willie{sarcastic}: Thank you.

ALF: Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!

---

Jake Ochmonek: Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!

Willie starts engine and it sputters to life

Willie: Wow! Thank you, Jake!

Jake Ochmonek: You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?

ALF: It means Willie was gypped!

Willie: ALF!

Jake Ochmonek: Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.

---

ALF: If Lynn starts humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," I'm pulling the plug on this production!

---

ALF: Hey, I wonder if Horrowitz is going to fight back against the man who gave him that suit!

---

Running Scared

ALF: [after getting the call from the blackmailer and trying to calm down] Don't panic Willie will help you. He always helps you. [looks at mess] I'm dogfood!

---

Kate: Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?

Willie: Yeah, going on three years now.

Kate: No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.

Willie: Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.

Kate: Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!

[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]

Trevor: [off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!

[Willie opens the door.]

Willie: Morning.

Trevor: Good morning. I'll take it.

Kate: Take what?

Trevor: Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]

Willie: [reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?

Trevor: Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.

Willie: No. I mean, we're not selling the house.

Kate: Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.

Trevor: Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]

Season 4

Live and Let Die

[At the cat Lucky's funeral]

ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.

---

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