8 Simple Rules/Quotes

Season 1

Pilot

Paul: So Rory, what do you like most about James Bond?

Rory: Hmm...I like that he has a license to kill.

Paul: (hears car horn) Me too.

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Kyle: (answering cell phone) Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?

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[Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]

Paul: Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?

Kerry: Must be casual sex day at school.

Bridget: Hey, at least I get...

[Paul turns to Bridget]

Bridget: ...look good.

Paul: Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot you're wearing under your pants.

Bridget: It's a thong.

Paul: It's floss.

Bridget: I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?

Paul: Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.

Bridget: Well, we're the thong generation.

Paul: Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. You're walking around with a wedgie.

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Wall of Shame

Bridget and Kerry: (both yelling at each other) I'm gonna kill you!!

Paul: Girls don't kill each other. (the girls still yell at each other; Paul waits a moment) At least I said it.

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Bridget: No, Dad, it was coral. I can't wear a coral. I mean look at me. Hello, I'm a summer.

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Paul: Does everyone have a cell phone? How much am I paying for these?

Bridget: Dad, you get the phones for free.

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Cate: I just got here. I forgot to pick up my allergy medicine. Do you think you can drop by the pharmacy?

Paul: Oh man. You know I hate picking up that stuff.

Cate: No, no, no. It's really allergy medicine this time.

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Cate: Keep Bridget off the phone and out of the mall.

Paul: I'm a man, not a miracle worker.

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Paul: I do care, Kerry and I'll care even more when the game is over!

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Kerry (to Bridget): Could ya take the fashion show outside? Those of us who can are trying to read.

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Wings

Paul: Mom also said I was ready for fatherhood.

Paul: Off you go.

Son-in-Law

Kerry(when Bridget tells them her new beau Travis is a Basketball player): He's a baller.

Travis: Holla.

Kerry: Holla back, brotha.

Travis: Uh-huh.

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Kerry(makes fun of Bridget shaking her head from side to side) Like, oh my God! I'm Bridget. I can't believe how much my head shakes when I talk.

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Paul: Come on Cate, dance with me.

Cate: Oh, no, I'm not going to embarrass my daughter.

Paul: Fine, I'll dance by myself.

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Paul: What's it called when you're damned it you do, damned if you don't? Fatherhood.

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Paul: Bridget, wipe your feet and take off the boy.

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Rory: Can I sit in the cart?

Cate: No!

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Kerry: He thinks of me as some sort of virgin spinster, like Miss Havisham.(Bridget has a confused look on her face) Great Expectations…? (Bridget’s still confused) Charles Dickens…? (Bridget’s still confused) A book…?

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Bridget: She’s in bed with him, and you do nothing?

Kerry: We’re on a bed, not in a bed. Learn a preposition.

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Cheerleader

Paul:Is my little girl a cheerleader?

Cate is motioning to him to shut up

Kerry: Yes, she is!

Trick or Treehouse

Paul: Kids, what does Dad do on Halloween?

Everyone (expect Paul,Cate and Kyle): Carve the pumpkin.

Cate: And what does Mom do?

Everyone (expect Paul, Cate and Kyle): Everything else.

By the Book

Two Boys for Every Girl

Give It Up

Paul: [To Bridget], Where's your mother?

Kyle: At Home

Paul: Her Mother

Kyle: You mean my Grandma?

Paul: No, BRIDGET'S Mother!

Kyle: [Imitating Paul], HOW should I KNOW?

Paul Meets His Match

All I Want for Christmas

Kerry: (trying to get people to adopt a dog) Make it a real Christmas. Take home a homeless animal...(scoffs at the person walking away) Idiot.

Rory:This isn't the home of the Big Boy.

Paul:You know, in a way it is.

Rory's Got a Girlfriend

This episode was about Rory getting a girl friend. He wants to take the girl out and he is afraid to tell his dad because he will probably say, "awwwwwwwww Rory"

Career Choices

Cate: [About Bridget's career choice and how Paul is interfeering] Alright I'll give you an example. When I was a little girl my mother would always cut off the ends when we had a pot roast. So one day I asked her why, and she said it was because her mother always did, so I went and asked my grandmother and she said it was because her mother always did. So one day i finally went to my great-grandmothers house and I asked her why she cut the ends off her pot roast. And you know what she said? Because the pan was too small Do you see what I'm getting at?

Paul: We're having pot roast for dinner?

Kerry's Big Adventure

Cate: (sarcastically) I remember her as just such a happy little girl on the playground, smoking.

Come and Knock on Our Door

Paul: This seems awfully familair.

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Paul: (after overhearing Bridget and Kyle talking about what he thinks is them having sex) Aha! Get away from- (sees they were talking about cinnamon buns) those cinnamon buns. They're fattening.

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Bridget/Paul: You are dead!

Kerry/Kyle: It's not what it looks like!

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Paul: I have one question for you. Are you gay?

Kyle: No

Paul: Wrong answer.

Drummer Boy (2)

Cool Parent

Every Picture Tells a Story

Kerry: Don't mess with the middle child!

Kerry's Video

Rory: [when Bridget breaks her nose, comes down for breakfast] I am not an animal.

Bridget: Shut Up!

Cate: Rory, are you about done?

Rory': Just about. I am a human... being.

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Rory: I should go up to my room and take a long look at myself. In the mirror. To see what my butt looks like when I'm dancing!

[shakes shoulders]

Good Moms Gone Wild

[Newswoman reporting at a local bar in Sarasota where The Hennesseys are vacationing. All of a sudden, they see footage of a college student whipping her bikini around.]

Cate: Hey, do you see that girl?

Rory: Oh yeah! Talk about News Flash !

Paul: Rory! [Still looking at the News Footage], She can't even be out of high school. She's about the same age as, as a matter of fact, she looks a little like, alot like...

Both Cate and Paul: BRIDGET!

Rory: UGHHHHHH!!!

Career Woman

Queen Bees and King Bees

Bake Sale

The Doyle Wedding

Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (1)

Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (2)

Season 2

Goodbye

Bridget: The last thing I told him was "I hate you!"

Cate: (reading Paul's last article) Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the Tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.

No Right Way

Bridget: I never would of got this far before. Dad would never let me go out like this. He would of definetly sent me up stairs to change and tell me to cover myself up in some hideous sweater and then give me a one hour lecture on how I should respect myself and how guys are only out for one thing and I always hated when he did that! I just want my dad back!

Cate: Bridget-

Bridget: Leave me alone!