< "The Reason You Suck" Speech

"The Reason You Suck" Speech/Real Life

  • The Declaration of Independence is one big one from the thirteen British colonies over in America to King George III and the British government.
  • British forces that liberated the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp had a pretty good one, delivered via loudspeakers to local German officials who'd been taken to witness the camp, and the captured SS troops being made to bury the dead.

"You, who represent the fathers and brothers of German youth, see before your eyes some of the sons and daughters who bear the direct responsibility for this crime. They are a small portion only. Therefore, it is more than the human soul is able to bear. But who bears the real responsibility? You, who allowed your leader to carry out this horrible madness; you, who couldn't do enough for this degenerate triumph. You, who were a part of this camp...."

    • The whole process of denazification consisted of delivering carefully-worded Reason You Suck Speeches to the entire German population, through the media and propaganda posters. The Allied authorities in all sectors pounded it into the Germans that they were all responsible for what happened during the war, including the Holocaust, and that they had better repent and shape up! The plan seems to have worked, since most Germans regard No Swastikas and the atrocities of World War II as extremely Serious Business, and are willing to say, to this day, that their country as a whole were the bad guys in the war.
      • To a point, anyway. There's no way around it, after all, it can go either way when you have to deprogram a population. But as a consequence this caused the Vocal Minority who still believed to become incredibly radicalised, to the point the #1 complaint by Hammerskins and DVU about the fuhrer isn't that he lost, or that he was tactically incompetent... But that they lost by being too nice. Similarly a complaint with some modern Italian fascists and Futurists. Primarily stems from the fact they buy into period propaganda, dismissing "US-taught history" as propaganda, and not believing Germany's logistical problems or the requirement for slave labour. Note: Not related at all to Holocaust denial, it instead stems from believing in Hitler's mythos that he 'saved' Germany from destruction by greedy outsiders and his military strategy and the individual soldiers of the time were invincible.
    • It's also notable that they didn't try to do this against the Japanese, in part because it could be potentially offensive against their ancestors (Keep in mind that the Japanese, as many East Asian cultures, worship their ancestors) and it could make the American occupation of Japan difficult if they tried to disgrace them, since it's one of the greatest taboos of the Japanese culture. It was also that America was still too racist to be offended by Japan committing atrocities because no one expected better of the Japanese. Germany was a "civilized" western country, and so the rest of the western world were offended that one of their own would do such a thing. This did end up coming back to bite them in the butt somewhat; while Germans are the most passionate anti-Nazis imaginable, some in Japan look at war atrocities such as the Rape of Nanking and shrug it off.
      • This likely wouldn't have worked anyway. It isn't just East/West divide but that Japan has far more Monarchistic leanings than fascist as to conservative Japanese the royal family is still very important. Hitler had no true 'divine right' especially when how far he had split from the Church began to be realised by the populace, as well as no centuries-long pedigree to fall back on. His government was also more corrupt.
  • Lucius Sergius Catilina gets one hell of a tongue-lashing from Cicero, beginning as thus: "Quo usque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra? Quamdiu etiam furor iste tuus nos eludet? Quem ad finem sese effrenata iactabit audacia?". This means: "How long, Catilina, will you abuse our patience? For how long will that madness of yours mock us? To what end will your unbridled effrontery toss itself about?". And then It Gets Worse for Catilina...
    • Cicero tended to use this tactic a fair amount in his speeches, which tended to be against someone: in Ancient Rome, "orator" meant "lawyer" (and specifically "barrister") and Cicero tended to take the role of the prosecution, most famously in trials for corruption and other crimes to do with abuse of power. Saying why the defendant really, really sucked was part of his strategy, (a lengthy explanation of how Verrus and his lawyer sucked for trying to game the system allowed him to end the trial after opening arguments) as well as playing up his background (by Roman standards, he was a Simple Country Lawyer, which made him popular among the "New Men" who were more and more often sitting on juries at the time).
    • Cicero really hands it to Mark Antony in the Philippics, a series of speeches against him.
  • Joseph Nye Welch to Senator Joseph McCarthy, during the Army-McCarthy hearings: "You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"
  • Who can forget this zinger from Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle in the 1988 Vice-presidential debate?

Bentsen: Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.

  • Depression, approximately, is having to hear one of these from yourself on a daily basis.
    • People who are rather heavy on the cynical side have a reversed version of this: A perspective that condemns most of the entire world. Do note that when they engage in a The Reason The World Sucks Speech, you should pay them a little attention because sometimes they can actually point out exactly what's wrong with this world, though they don't necessarily have a realistic idea (or deny that they have one) of how to change it for the better... Remember, kids: behind every cynic is a disappointed idealist.
      • Sometimes; other times they're just assholes who want to make the rest of the world as miserable as they are. Accentuate the Negative comes into play HARD here. As well as Nietzsche Wannabe. Though sometimes, to be fair, they're this guy. Or this one. Or even this one. In which case you should probably listen up.
      • And sometimes, the ability to note something is wrong (verification) is much easier than figuring out how to change it to be right (solution). Though this doesn't necessarily have to be a criticism- discrediting false hypotheses is an important contribution to knowledge, to the point that David Hume and Socrates made their careers out of it.
  • This is the experience of some people who go through boot camp in some branches of the armed forces in the United States, although "The Reason You Suck" Speech is only half the deal - it's the prelude to Dare to Be Badass. For recruits the effect is such: the drill sergeant has dwelled upon their inadequacies and failures at length. Can they prove him wrong?
  • Siblings do this to each other extremely frequently. Parents doing this to children is also common. This in and of itself is not abnormal. However, if one sibling repeatedly does this on the other without the other being able to defend against it, then this quickly goes from sibling conflict to toxic abuse.
  • Personality profiles normally do this in a mild way in the compliment sandwich. They first give you what your type means and its characteristics and aptitudes. Then, it gives a brief admonition about frequent weak points of that type before finally giving you a feel good message about how great you and your MBTI type are.
  • Fear the wrath of Jon Stewart. The network was so embarrassed that they canceled the show.

"I know you think this story has no purpose other than keeping Sarah Palin’s name in the headlines for another news cycle. I know you think she has nothing to offer the national dialogue and that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed in with words picked up at random from a thesaurus. I know you think Sarah Palin is at best a self-promoting ignoramus and at worst a shameless media troll who will abuse any platform to deliver dog-whistle encouragement to a far right base that may include possible insurrectionists. I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike, and at the same time, I know you believe it represents the pinnacle of her potential. And that her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago that there would be more journalistic integrity on reporting on of the lesser Kardashians’ ass implants. I know, I know that when you arrive at the office each day you say a silent prayer that maybe—just maybe—Sarah Palin will at long last just shut up for just ten fucking minutes. I know because I can see it in your eyes. Well guess what, Mika? That’s the gig. And it’s only January of 2011, kiddo. And you have a minimum of two more years of this ahead of you. You want to stay in this game? You dig deep. You find another gear. You show up to work every day and get your hair and makeup done. You slap on a smile, get out there on TV and repeat what Sarah Palin said on Hannity last night right into the lens. You know...news".

"Do you, Ambassador Zorin, deny that the USSR has placed and is placing medium and intermediate range missiles and sites in Cuba? Yes or no? Don't wait for the translation, yes or no?

  • In the Norway Debates in Great Britain at the beginning of World War II, Roger Keyes and Leo Amery gave a pair of these to Neville Chamberlain, with Keyes (a retired naval admiral) appearing in full military dress to excoriate Chamberlain on the behalf of the military for the conduct of the Norway campaign, and Amery criticizing the lack of preparation and general lack of fighting spirit and competence in Chamberlain's government. Amery ended by quoting Oliver Cromwell: "You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go." The effect of the speeches was only increased by the fact that both politicians were in the same party as Chamberlain, and the speeches are often credited as a large reason for Chamberlain's subsequent resignation. Of course David Lloyd George also made a fairly brutal speech, saying that the best thing that Chamberlain could do for the war effort was resign. Honestly, May 1940 was not a good time to be Neville Chamberlain.
  • De Profundis is a long "Reason You Suck Speech" in written form by Oscar Wilde for his ex-lover, Lord Alfred Douglas.
  • David Cameron, Prime-Minister of Great Britain is quite fond of these. He doled them out like candy to Gordon Brown ("You're not a leader! You're a loser!") and allegedly gave one to Barack Obama over the phone in the wake of the BP Oil Spill.
  • FEAR THE LOUD BLADE OF ANTHONY WEINER.
  • Sometimes, one of these can be expected when someone's Berserk Button is pressed. People with strong political and/or (anti)religious views are particularly prone to this, which is one of the main reasons for the most common strawmen presented for many such views.
  • At Skepticon 4 Greta Christina gave a speech on Why Atheists Are Angry, first she noted that not all atheists are angry. Then she launched into a long list of reasons why she is.

Greta Christina I'm angry that in Salt Lake City, 40% of homeless teenagers are gay. Most of them kids that have been kicked out of their house by their Mormon parents. (Beat) Yeah, that's some great family values you got there!

  • This is the entire point of Attack Therapy. It's extremely controversial for precisely this reason, and it's generally not a recommended form of treatment.
  • General William T. Sherman is doomed to forever be vilified by the American South for his role in the American Civil War, most notably his infamous March to the Sea. Sherman, however, epically called out Southerners in his letter to the city of Atlanta, which repeatedly proclaimed his hatred for war, (Sherman would often declare that "war is hell", and begged a graduating officer class at West Point to do everything in their power to never go to war) his absolute determination to end the war as quickly as possible, and the hypocrisy of the South.

I repeat then that, by the original compact of government, the United States had certain rights in Georgia, which have never been relinquished and never will be; that the South began the war by seizing forts, arsenals, mints, custom-houses, etc., etc., long before Mr. Lincoln was installed, and before the South had one jot or title of provocation. I myself have seen in Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Mississippi, hundreds and thousands of women and children fleeing from your armies and desperadoes, hungry and with bleeding feet. In Memphis, Vicksburg, and Mississippi, we fed thousands and thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes to you, you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot, to carry war into Kentucky and Tennessee, to desolate the homes of hundreds and thousands of good people who only asked to live in peace at their old homes, and under the Government of their inheritance.

  • Jaycee Lee Dugard's epic calling out of her former kidnapper Phillip Garrido and his wife:

I chose not to be here today because I refuse to waste another second of my life in your presence. I've chosen to have my mom read this for me. Phillip Garrido, you are wrong. I could never say that to you before, but I have the freedom now and I am saying you are a liar and all of your so-called theories are wrong. Everything you have ever done to me has been wrong and someday I hope you can see that. What you and Nancy did was reprehensible. You always justified everything to suit yourself but the reality is and always has been that to make someone else suffer for your inability to control yourself and for you, Nancy, to facilitate his behavior and trick young girls for his pleasure is evil. There is no God in the universe that would condone your actions. To you, Phillip, I say that I have always been a thing for your own amusement. I hated every second of every day of 18 years because of you and the sexual perversion you forced on me. To you, Nancy, I have nothing to say. Both of you can save your apologies and empty words. For all the crimes you have both committed I hope you have as many sleepless nights as I did. Yes, as I think of all of those years I am angry because you stole my life and that of my family. Thankfully I am doing well now and no longer live in a nightmare. I have wonderful friends and family around me. Something you can never take from me again. You do not matter any more.

  • More than once ESPN host Skip Bayless has been brought down by former and current athletes. Here's one by NFL Class Clown Chad Ochocinco http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68CCgYcCK7k&feature=related
  • Since bodily harming the defendants is often illegal, even if they been convicted, many victim impact statements become this.
  • Cher gives this one to a sneaky photographer. She catches him and gives an epic one.
  • President Donald Trump's chief strategist Steve Bannon used an interview with the New York Times to mock the blatant bias of the NYT and the rest of the "mainstream media", as well as how their predictions over his election were wildly wrong.

The media should be embarrassed and humiliated and keep its mouth shut and just listen for awhile [...] They don’t understand this country. They still do not understand why Donald Trump is the president of the United States. [...] The media has zero integrity, zero intelligence, and no hard work.

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