Don't Buy This

Don't Buy This (also known as Don't Buy This: Five of the Worst Games Ever) is a compilation of video games for the ZX Spectrum released on 1 April 1985. As described on the box, it contains five of the poorest games submitted to publisher Firebird. Instead of rejecting the submissions, they decided to mock the original developers by releasing them together and publicly brand it as "unoriginal" and "awful". Firebird even disowned all their copyright to the game and encouraged buyers to pirate it at will.[1]

Don't Buy This
Cover art of Don't Buy This
Developer(s)Various
Publisher(s)Firebird
Platform(s)ZX Spectrum
Release17 August
Genre(s)Video game compilations
Mode(s)Single player

Reviews for the game were universally negative, with critics questioning how to critique the game due to its publicity being based on it being a collection of bad games. Despite the negative reception, the game was a commercial success.

Games
  • Fido 1: The player controls a dog named Fido to defeat moles and birds[1] to protect an area for several levels. Fido also needs to keep eating in order to stay alive. In the later levels, enemies such as a low flying canary and a cat which throws projectiles at you are added, but their attacks are very easy to avoid.
  • Fido 2: Puppy Power: Features similar gameplay as the original Fido, but Fido can now move up and down instead of just left and right. In addition to Fido being able to defeat enemies with its tail, used as an attack in the previous game, Fido can now shoot laser beams from its eyes in order to destroy other enemies and gain health.
  • Fruit Machine: The player controls an animated, low-resolution slot machine with reels that spin rather slowly. The instructions sarcastically describe the game as a "mysterious, original new game [that] requires skill, timing, nerve and absolute concentration".[1] It also suggests that you should play the game in the middle of the night. The music is an 8-bit medley of short tunes that play when the player wins.
  • Race Ace: A racing game where the player controls a light blue race car that can only turn 90 and 180-degree angles. The game is impossible to win, regardless of the speed setting of the player's car because the computer-controlled cars advance more quickly every time the player turns. The controls have the tendency to freeze if another car invades your space. On one screen, the game is erroneously titled "Ace Racer".
  • Weasel Willy: A game where a purported weasel, which in actuality has the appearance of a humanoid figure in-game, has to avoid trees that are completely green and its own large, uniform footprints. The trees spawn in random locations whenever a level starts, so the weasel may be blocked by trees, preventing the player from being able to play the level. The weasel may even start a level with a tree occupying the same space as it does, causing immediate loss of the level.[2]

Release
The package contains a selection of the worst Spectrum games ever published in the world!

James Leavey, Firebird's marketing manager on Don't Buy This.[3]

Don't Buy This was published by Telecomsoft under the Firebird label. Firebird disowned the game upon release, with Firebird's marketing manager James Leavey claiming that the publishing didn't release the game but the game itself escaped.[4] The publisher also encouraged copying the game, offering a chance to win a sticker or badge for people who wrote to the company about the game.[5] It was released on 1 April 1985 under Firebird's Silver Range for £2.50.[6]

Reception
Reception
Review scores
PublicationScore
Crash39.333333%[2]
Sinclair User[7]
Sinclair Programs9%[8]
Your Spectrum4/15[9]

Your Spectrum wrote: "The games aren't that bad as do-it-yourself games but, they won't provide that much fun."[9] Sinclair User said it contained "five of the most uninspired games ever to disgrace the Spectrum."[7]

A reviewer for Computer and Video Games noted that the game was difficult to give a score due to it being publicised as being a collection of bad games, but declared it to be "good for a laugh".[10]

In a 2011 retrospective on the compilation, television presenter, YouTuber, and author Larry Bundy Jr admitted he had to showcase the game as a retrospective rather than a review because "you can’t exactly review or give the ol' 'angry reviewer' treatment to a game that openly admits that it's supposed to be rubbish can you?" He ridiculed a wide variety of aspects of each game, from their low resolution graphics to their difficult or even impossible gameplay.[11]

John Szczepaniak from Hardcore Gaming 101 featured the game as part of their "Your Weekly Kusoge" column. Szczepaniak, while describing the games as "uninspired, dull and lazy", he did not consider them to be the worst games on the ZX Spectrum.[5] Despite the negative criticism towards the game, Retro Gamer in 2005 reported that it was a commercial success.[6]

gollark: Hmm, how can I improve wiki encyclopaedia?
gollark: I'm limited by whatever random files the openzim people provide, unless I expend great* effort running the wiki archiver script myself.
gollark: I have Wikipedia, ArchWiki, several stackexchange sites (not technically *wikis*), the CC wikis (old/new), Wikivoyage, the Gentoo wiki, "All The Tropes", and actually that's it.
gollark: Of course.
gollark: I should download this to the osmarks.tk wiki archive™.

See also

References
  1. Don't Buy This instructions at World of Spectrum
  2. "Reviews". Crash. No. 17. Newsfield. June 1985. pp. 46-47.
  3. "Should You Buy This?". Sinclair Programs. No. 32. June 1985. p. 11.
  4. "Software Update". Home Computing Weekly. No. 112. 14 May 1985. p. 6.
  5. Szczepaniak, John (12 May 2011). "Your Weekly Kusoge: Don't Buy This". Hardcore Gaming 101. Retrieved 5 November 2018.
  6. "Back to the Eighties". Retro Gamer. No. 15. Imagine Publishing. April 2005. pp. 8–9.
  7. Edgeley, Claire (July 1985). "Spectrum Software Scene". Sinclair User. No. 40. p. 26.
  8. "Soft Focus". Sinclair Programs. No. 34. August 1985. p. 17.
  9. Dave; Ross; Roger (August 1985). "Joystick Jury". Your Spectrum. No. 17. Sportscene Specialist Press. p. 42.
  10. "Don't Buy This". Computer and Video Games. No. 45. Future plc. July 1985. p. 94.
  11. Games Yanks Can't Wank – Don’t Buy This: Five of the Worst Games Ever
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