QuantumMAN

QuantumMAN is a site which promotes alternative medicine based on quantum technobabble. It is apparently run by the Zurich Alpine Group (ZAG). It markets its products as "The World's First Downloadable Medicine".

Against allopathy
Alternative medicine
Clinically unproven
v - t - e
“” The entire universe including the human body and disease that attacks it operate on the principles of quantum physics. Chemical based based [sic] treatment systems do not operate according to those principles and, as such, are not compatible with human physiology as evidenced by their adverse side effects. In summary, medical treatment must be quantum compatible. Drugs and supplements are not.
—QuantumMAN, proving that chemicals are not part of 'the entire universe'.

If genuine, QuantumMAN is possibly the one of the most far-fetched alternative medicine sites in the history of the Internet. It might be an example of Poe's Law,[1] but they bothered renting a not-inexpensive booth at the Consumer Electronics Show,[2] which would be unusual dedication for a spoof, and they also tweeted Bill Gates to promote their malaria "vaccine" (he didn't respond).[3]

Quantum teleportation

The site claims it can upload medicine to peoples' bodies by using quantum teleportation, an exclusive technology obtained from extraterrestrial beings.[note 1][4] Quantum teleportationFile:Wikipedia's W.svg is a real phenomenon in physics, but it has nothing to do with aliens, it transfers info between particles, not particles between places, and the record for the longest distance anything's been teleported this way is 143 km, so if QuantumMAN really were able to cure people from anywhere in the world by teleporting trillions of molecules into their bodies, someone from the company would be getting a Nobel Prize. No one has.

Quantum teleportation (the woo version) "works" by downloading a "Portal Access Key" to a computer; this "unlocks a quantum portal developed by ZAG that allows bioinformation to flow from ZAG's quantum computer directly to the neural network of your brain, another quantum computer, via quantum teleportation."[5] These Portal Access Keys can be purchased separately for each product.

Products

Some products of theirs:

  • QDr Tricorder Plus, $20. It "Accesses your brain's neural network to diagnose, select and then administer the needed QuantumXtreme™ medicines to effect the proper treatment."[6]
  • QuantumVET Tricorder Plus, $30-$100, which is the same, except for pets.
  • Supercillin (Extreme Spectrum Antimicrobial), $10, which gives you "10 day downloadable antimicrobial coverage against most pathogenic fungi, bacteria, parasites and viruses." Why use "broad spectrum" when you have "EXTREME SPECTRUM"!!!
  • RenalRenew, $299 US. It "Reverse[s] chronic renal disease — guaranteed!" One-month supply.
  • QChiro (Quantum Chiropractor), $50 for a set of 10 downloads. It "Perfectly aligns your entire body in 1 minute for only $5."
  • QMassage (Quantum Massage), $30 for three downloads. It's "An incredibly blissful massage inside and out with unparalleled health benefits."
  • QWC (Quantum Weight Control), $30.
  • Quantum Diet Repair, $5. It "Repairs the metabolic set-back caused by dietary indiscretions while taking QWC."
  • QFood, $25. It's "A complete balanced diet of pure data that feeds the starving or helps manage the overweight patient." Mmm… quantum food…
  • QLax (Quantum Laxative), $5. It's a "Radical new technology yields quantum laxative [sic] that obsoletes conventional laxatives."
  • Food Allergy Reversal, $250. It "Cures all food allergies and sensitivities permanently in just 3 days!"

Vaccines

They sell downloadable "vaccines", which apparently "work" differently from real vaccines. This is what QM has to say about it:

Unlike conventional vaccines that inject a bacteria, virus or toxin into the person to stimulate an immune response against the organism of concern, MalariaSafe™ malaria vaccine instead works on entirely different principles. MalariaSafe™ is designed to repair the biological terrain of the immunologically compromised individual typical of the indigenous people of the malaria regions. By repairing the host's terrain, the individual's immune system can better withstand the attack by the parasite to where the parasite is either killed or so hindered that the person's symptoms are of such a mild degree that there is no loss of life. It is the sad state of the immune system of the inhabitants of developing countries that make them so vulnerable to the ravages of malaria.[7]

One wonders what "repairing the person's biological terrain" is even supposed to mean. Note also the victim blaming, pitying "the inhabitants of developing countries", whose immune systems are so weak as to be susceptible to malaria...as if Westerners who travel unprotected to places where malaria is endemic don't tend to contract it themselves.

They have "vaccines" for the following diseases:

  • Stroke, $250, good for a lifetime.[10]
  • Malaria, $25, good for a month.[7]
  • Meth addiction, $1000, good for a lifetime.[11]
  • Meth addiction prevention, $125, which "Prevents dysfunctional behavior leading to meth addiction."[12]

Note that some of these have nothing to do with the immune system in the first place.

gollark: Oh, and the error handling is terrible and it's kind of the type system's fault.
gollark: If I remember right Go strings are just byte sequences with no guarantee of being valid UTF-8, but all the functions working on them just assume they are.
gollark: Oh, and the strings are terrible.
gollark: Also, channels are not a particularly good primitive for synchronization.
gollark: Also, the implicit interfaces are terrible.
  • Homepage Now "temporarily closed for improvements."

Notes
  1. What did they pay the aliens to get this "exclusive technology"? Galactic credits?

References
  1. Closing out 2012 with a bit of fun: Do you want some quantum with that pseudoscience? An article about QuantumMAN on Science-Based Medicine.
  2. http://news.techeye.net/science/online-snake-oil-peddlers-hit-ces
  3. How I used alien quantum Internet medicine on my cat, ArsTechnica.
  4. Extraterrestrial Technology, QuantumMAN.
  5. Portal Access Key, QuantumMAN.
  6. http://www.quantummansite.com/catalog/quantumdoctor.php
  7. MalariaSafe, QuantumMAN.
  8. ColdVac Common Cold Vaccine, QuantumMAN.
  9. Quadraflu, QuantumMAN.
  10. Ceresafe, QuantumMAN.
  11. MethCure, QuantumMAN.
  12. MethBlock, QuantumMAN.
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