< The Daily Show < And the Colbert Report

The Daily Show/And the Colbert Report/Funny


Joint Funny

  • The end of the 2008 election special, where the cast suffer an epic Heroic BSOD upon learning that the punditry is over and that they don't need to cover the election any more. This results in Stephen Colbert putting on dark glasses and large earmuffs to try and block out the reality of Obama's election, Rob Riggle's "grieving process" (involving him losing his pants, for some reason known only to himself), and Aasif Mandvi, having previously been in 'Pakistan', bursting in to plead Jon Stewart not to let it end:

Jon Stewart: Aasif... You're in Pakistan!

Aasif Mandvi: I am too upset to be confined by your logic, Stewart!

  • Oprah's appearance, giving rally tickets to the entire audience.

Stephen: Jon, your rally is supposed to be all about sanity. And that was completely insane.

  • The Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear. All of it.
    • Yusuf's Peace Train vs. Ozzy Ozborne's Crazy Train. The winner: Love Train.
    • Stephen Colbert emerges from the stage like a Chilean miner.
      • Dressed as Evel Knievel, to boot.
    • The MythBusters appear to perform experiments with the audience on The Wave and jumping-based earthquakes. Particularly when Adam declares Jamie to be "like Chuck Norris."
    • The Stephen Colbert puppet and John Oliver dressed like Peter Pan.
      • "The puppet should melt too!"
    • Stephen panics about "corbamite" in his drinking water.

Stephen: Quick! Is there an antidote?!
Jon: Yes. It's the knowledge that... that there is no such thing as corbamite. I made it up. Well, actually, I stole it from an old episode of Star Trek. {{[[[One of Us]] cue mutual Trekkie geek-out}}]

Jon: I have candles...
Stephen: (engrossed) What're those?!
Jon: (beyond irritated) THEY'RE CANDLES!!

Stephen:And I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death. And I'm sure- I know that if I saw myself in the mirror, I would be appalled by the look on my face... (pulls out a hand mirror) Nope, I like this!
Jon: I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being, and yet... uh, no.
Jon (after showing clips of people warning of possible reprisals): Yes, we shouldn't have killed him. 'Cause now the terrorists are going to want to attack us. But you know what? Even when they do, you know who won't see it? Bin Laden, 'cuz we shot out his eyes, and now he lives in a pineapple under the sea.

  • Jon and Stephen's Ham-to-Ham Combat wherein Stephen transfers power of Colbert SuperPAC over to Jon.
    • How about the followup when Stephen got his SuperPAC back?
    • Speaking of, some of the attack ads where also damn good.

Narrator: If Mitt Romney really believes corporations are people...then Mitt Romney is a serial killer.


Jon Stewart or The Daily Show

John Oliver: The base level of respect will be enough.

    • Then there was his complete bewilderment at having used the words "Bush" and "good" in the same sentence regarding Bush's 2008 trip to Africa and the apparent lack of ulterior motive behind his aid efforts. When Stewart suggests that perhaps there is no ulterior motive, Oliver considers that an even worse possibility, adding:

John Oliver: Over the past seven excruciating years, I've come to terms with the President being incompetent. The fact that we now know he's been capable of doing good all along and has simply chosen not to - that really burns!

    • We have a new winner. Jon Oliver suggests that Mitt Romney embrace his image.
  • In a recent episode, Jon Stewart is attacked on Morning Joe for attacking Morning Joe in an earlier episode. He is called an incredibly angry man with a Napoleonic complex. How does he respond? Running out of the studio sobbing (with running mascara), donning a Napoleoninc outfit, riding his horse, and metting the John Oliver Duke of Wellington. Completed with a French accent.
  • The recent "11/3 Project" skit where Jon Stewart mocked Glenn Beck's method of punditry is possibly the Crowning Moment of Funny for the series thus far... and would have been even funnier if it weren't an uncomfortably accurate impersonation.
  • Stewart's reactions to Barack Obama's acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize—everything from noting Will Smith being in attendance to "research the role [of Obama for a movie]" to assuming (wrongly) that he'd scrape and plead with Europe for forgiveness to saying that while King and Gandhi had great examples, as a head of state he can't use them alone:

Jon Stewart: (rubbing temples) Obama...forcing us to live in an area between absolutes...BRAIN HURT!!!

  • Jon Stewart's response to Keith Olbermann's tearing into Sen. Kennedy's Republican replacement (air date January 21, 2010) ended, like his "11/3 project" skit, with a parody/pastiche that was hilariously on the mark (granted, while being a lot more sympathetic, likely because he has a lot more respect for Olbermann). It ends with him pontificating in true Olbermann-esque over the top style, about how Olbermann's lately slipped from respectable news coverage into basically silly, immature name-calling:

"...and that's my thing!"

    • Made all the funnier by what may be Olbermann's own Crowning Moment of Funny / Crowning Moment of Awesome the following night, where he not only showed the skit in its entirety, he also took it like a mensch. He seemed at first like he was (disappointingly) going to respond in total seriousness (which is the worst way to respond to a parody by the Daily Show)... then it suddenly built into a hilariously over-the-top indignant pastiche of Stewart's parody. And then? And then siiiiir? A nice long Beat before this cheerful confession:

"...you know what, you're right. I have been a little over the top lately. Point taken. Sorry! :)"

  • "Jon Stewart's Story Hole", a poorly constructed puppet show featuring Jon's character "Dr. Bagelman"...which is all set in a bathroom with a hole cut in the stall's wall. And Stewart's reactions were priceless:

Stewart: Could someone run the set design by me next time? Alright, let's just do this...Okay, shut your eyes and let's see wh--"(gawks, looks at his index card in shock)

Jon Stewart: I'm going to fuck your ears with the truth.

Jason: (pantsless) Sam, I can't find my pants!
Samantha: They're in your hands, actually.
Jason: No, they're not. I've looked there!
Samantha: Your other hand.
Jason: Oh *bleep* . I love you!

Jon: ...that's not the reference we rehearsed, but okay.

Squirrel! Ruun!

  • February 1, 2011: Michael Steele, meet Michael Steele.
    • The best part is that the real Michael Steele was a fantastically good sport about their constant jokes at his expense.

"That's what I said, cheddar bread!"

      • When Michael Steele returned to the show in August 2011, he did it sans puppet, and actually said at the top of the interview that he missed the puppet.
  • In the February 3, 2011 episode, Jon switches bodies with Justin Bieber.
  • John Oliver interrupts Stewart talking about the Chris Lee sex scandal to give us... this.
  • Aasif Mandvi's report regarding Batman's new Muslim sidekick:

Bosch Fawstin: "Batman is not immune from what's going on in the real world. Batman has never faced down Jihad."
Aasif (voiceover): "No. ‎Batman has only defeated the Joker, the Penguin, Mr. Freeze, and has a f**king tank that ejects a motherf**king motorcycle with guns. I'm sure he can't handle one jihadist as fearsome as Nightrunner."

  • Jon Stewarts discussion with the newest Republican presidential candidate, the Reagan OS 911 computer.
    • Some especially funny bits from that:

Jon: So what do you think about Sarah Pal--
Computer: NO.

    • Later, talking about the Obama birth certificate controversy (the computer believes Obama is not American, and the computer is also pro-life), Jon confronts the computer with this dilemma: Obama was certainly conceived in America, and the computer believes life begins at conception. Then that means that Obama is a US citizen. But Obama was not born in the US. So either Obama was not born in the US and foetuses are not human beings, or Obama was conceived and is therefore a US citizen and the rightful President. But—that—what -- ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE 10101100100111
  • The story Jon broke on an Iranian facility where they could eventually be making nuclear weapons. However, it was a little hard to take seriously when the town it's located in is called Qum. "The neighboring town will be showered with loads and bits of hot Qum!"
  • John Oliver discusses America's "freedom packages", basically a parody of time-share salesmen.
  • John Oliver as "The Polisher", offering this spin on recent protests over Koran burning:

John: Yes, a Koran was burned. Yes, people are being senselessly murdered because of it. But perhaps this is the final period of fundamentalist fervor that precedes a religion's embrace of modernity, much in the same way that the 16th century excesses of the Catholic church preceded the Reformation.

    • Stewart's reaction is even better:

Jon: ...That's a little too intellectual...

  • During the BP oil spill, it is revealed that one of the oil companies' emergency contacts is a marine biologist by the name of Dr. Peter Lutz.

Jon: Okay, makes sense. Oil rig, disaster, spill... Doctor could be a crucial contact, especially a marine biologist like Dr. Lutz. I see no problem here.
Clip: The problem is, that Dr. Lutz has been dead for five years.
Jon: He added:
Sound bite: DUN DUN DUUUNN!

Jon: Let's just go to the content of your meeting; and then we'll just--(Clip of Palin and Trump eating pizza focuses on Trump with his pizza slices one on top of another)--SON OF A BITCH! Motherf--and you stack your slices, Donald?! (trying to contain his anger) With all due respect, you stack slices of pizza, the steam from the bottom of the slice is gonna make the top crust so--you piece of shit! Maybe all those years, all those years of making your hair do whatever it is that it does, you think you can go around layering any fucking thing you wanna layer, and no one's gonna say anything about it?!

      • And it gets far, far worse...

Jon: ARE YOU EATING IT WITH A FORK?! A FUCKING FORK?! AW, MARONE! La forcella è satanico! Uno strumento del diavolo! Donald Trump, why don't you take that fork and stick it right in New York's eye?! Donald Trump, we work hard. And you do this? You disrespect us in our own house? Scadagouch--you can put your name on anything you wanna build, your fucking glass and gold-plated buildings to the sky, blocking out the Central Park sun, it's fine. It's fine! But you invite an important visitor to our house, to our town, and you eat your pizza with a fucking fork right in front of us?! Who the fuck do you think you're--you know what, hey, why don't you take a shit in Fiorello LaGuardia's hat and feed it to Joe DiMaggio's crying ghost on Liberty Island, you son of a bitch? You son of a bitch!

John Oliver: Don't be so Jewish about it, you're fine!
Jon Stewart: Incoherent laughter at the ad-lib

    • Later:

Jon Stewart: I should be Catholic? I should turn it into a drink?

    • The R. Kelly impersonator's song.
    • Further on Anthony Weiner, Jon's reaction to hearing that Weiner, in light of the scandal, apologized to Bill Clinton of all people.

Jon Stewart: WHAT!? The congressman had a scandal and had to apologize, to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?! A patent violation?! Are you insane?! That is insane! I can hear the big dog taking a call! (Clinton voice) "Anthony, I'm very disappointed! Now, this "Twitter" thing... can anyone sign up for it?"

Jon Stewart: (throwing up in his mouth a bit) You want me to cut my wrists again?

      • Then Jon gets curious if there are any other viewers that do the same thing...or all of them.

Jon: Are you doing it right now?! Cameramen, let me see the camera that lets me see them - OH GOD!!

Stewart: If my ridicule of silly things with bizarre caricature voices has given FOX what appears to be several days of very strong programming...your cup's about to runneth over, motherfuckers! Grab a knife and fork, FOX! Because I have turned my crack research team on myself! In a brand new segment called--
(Graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Jon Stewart F#*ks Himself with His Own Mouth. Studio Audience erupts into raucous laughter as Stewart sits there dumbfounded.)

Stewart: I thought we weren't gonna...I though you were gonna run these by me before...

    • At the end, after a bit of Michael Bloomberg going "Tonight, we celebrate!" and him Steward answering with, "Wednesday, we go SHOPPING~!" he makes a I-did-that-last-impression-a-little-too-well face.
  • On July 13, Jon has to try and resist the urge to call Michele Bachmann's husband gay for the way he dances and resist tearing into him for referring to homosexuals as "barbarians who need to be educated." So what he does is call in his comedy therapist... Jerry Seinfeld, who told Jon that being funny is a choice and that he wasn't born that way among other things. He then leaves with "I gotta go. Don Rickles is about to get Chinese food from a guy that's half-Puerto Rican and half-Jewish."Linkski
  • On the May 9, 2011 show, Jon talked about some of the lesser-known GOP candidates, remarking that while people may have to google some of them, "Rick Santorum would probably prefer that you didn't." Later in the show, his guest Keira Knightley came out and dropped this gem:

Knightley: I just googled "santorum." I feel like my innocence has been taken away.

Obama: "Yes! We! Can!"

  • On the October 19, 2011 episode, when talking to Senior Black Correspondent Larry Willmore Jon brings up the disproportionately long prison sentencing of crack cocaine users as opposed to powder cocaine users as an example of racism.[1] He says:

Larry: That's your proof of racism? That people smoking crack are sitting in prison longer than people smoking coke?[...]I don't recall Dr. King dreaming of the day crackheads and coke heads would be singing "Free at last, free at last".

  • In 2005 calling Bill O'Reily on presenting year old footage of a joke as a recent attack on Christmas.
  • Jon becoming president of Egypt by solving an ancient "riddle".
  • Jon's coverage involving the Pokemon Movie, including the Shellder Of Knowledge and "Thank you, magical Japanese cat-monster."
    • Specifically, Jon is discussing Herman Cain's quotation of lyrics from the end credits of Pokemon 2000. He then turns it around by finding an even more philosophical quote from the first movie, even identifying Mewtwo as a genetically-engineered psychic Pokemon, then says that, for Cain, a more appropriate line would be Slowking's "I could use pants" and correctly identifies its crown as a Shellder. He does though incorrectly refer to it being specifically the "Shellder of Knowledge", a phrase that has never been used in any Pokemon medium to refer to Slowking's crown, but Pokemon fans were laughing too much to get bothered by the details.
      • This also means that either Jon and his crew were Pokemon fans to begin with, or that they went through at least two of the movies looking for quotes specifically to use in that segment. Crazy Awesome indeed.
  • Jan 19: John Oliver explains why the Chinese cannot win negotiations with Newt Gingrich. "Their culture is based on shame Jon, and Newt has none."
  • Any time Jon does his impression of the Queen of England.
  • Jon Stewart goes progressively crazier and crazier over the Accidental Innuendo-laden rhetoric of Rick Santorum, especially as they're ass-puns, and he has a strong aversion to homosexual sex.
  • The interview with Masha Gessen gets a note if only because Masha Gessen is a completely perfect example of The Comically Serious, and takes seriously Jon's jokes.
  • Be amazed as Jon Stewart and Ricky Gervais quickly find themselves discussing the sexual life of pandas and get nuttier from there.
  • The "real" Leeroy invades CNN's 2012 virtual Super Tuesday coverage.
  • Will Ferrell comes in wearing a baseball helmet, riffing on Jon's earlier comment that "comedians don't wear helmets." The helmet completely derails the plug for Will's new movie; seriously, it's all they can talk about.
  • March 29, 2012. Taiwanese. Animation. Of note is Jon's flustered reaction to "Chief Justice of Our Hearts" Cee 'Lo Green, the ice cream cone bribe, the statue of lady justice decapitating two senators, and shirtless Joe Biden punching a man in the face while laughing.
  • In this episode Jon can't keep a straight face when Wyatt Cenac declares his martini to be "drier than Harriet Tubman's vagina."

Stephen Colbert or The Colbert Report

  • Stephen Colbert may have failed to rename Node 3 after himself, but he got a pretty sweet consolation prize. Ladies and gentlemen, NASA proudly presents the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill. Crowning Moment Of Fun with Acronyms. At this point, the patch is just gravy. This also counts as a CMOA.
    • Even better during the show itself where Colbert showed a clip of a CNN anchor breaking off the news asking if this was serious.
  • From Operation Iraqi Stephen:

President Barack Obama: General, as the Commander-in-Chief, I hereby order you to shave that man's head.

General Ray Odierno: Yes, Mr. President!

    • Don't forget Obama getting off a few jokes of his own:

President Barack Obama: First, I want to send my greeting to the men and women of our armed forces in Iraq. And I and all Americans thank you for your service.
Stephen Colbert: You're welcome, Mr. President!

President Barack Obama: ...I wasn't talking to you. Now, second, General, I overheard your conversation about Stephen's hair.

Stephen Colbert: Wait a second, you overheard? Are your spy satellites really that good?

President Barack Obama: No, but my ears are really that big.

  • The segment where Colbert and Hollywood nice guy Tom Hanks prepare a care package for the troops is pure gold. Let's just say, Hilarity Ensues. It's all topped off with Tom Hanks sucker punching Colbert into a crate and sending him to Iraq.
  • Al Gore on Worthy Opponent, especially making Colbert go through on a really stupid claim by dunking his head.
  • For this troper, the funniest moment would be Colbert's segment on the wikiscanner, when he revealed that a person from the New York Times wrote on the George W. Bush page of Wikipedia the phrase "jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk."
  • The entire review Colbert had with Cookie Monster. Half because the jokes were very funny, and half because it showed Cookie Monster acting like an adult without derailing him as so many parodies of kid's shows do.

Cookie Monster: Me had crazy times in the 70s and 80s, okay? Me like the Robert Downey Jr. of cookies!!

"First up -- (only half of the graphic shows up) Basketball! (the other half shows up late) I always been a hu-- (head desks, flails around) No! We're going! We're going!"

    • Pretty much the beginning of any Sport Report segment, where Colbert plays air guitar (complete with vocal sound effects) for at least ten seconds after the intro sequence, getting increasingly ridiculous every time. Best, and most recent, example is this.
  • The scene that got this troper hooked on The Colbert Report:

Stephen: "If a diamond is a girl's best friend, then coal is its hotter, younger sister. In the early days of coal-mining, it was dirty, dangerous work as seen in this sad footage."
(Cue clip from Dig Dug.)
Stephen: "We lost a lot of good men to inflatable dragons. Thankfully, modern science has found a much safer way to get our coal: BLOWING THE TOPS OFF MOUNTAINS! AWESOME! OH DADDY!"

  • The entire episode of The Colbert Report with Rush thanks to Jimmy's constant meddeling causing the Colbert Anthem to be replaced by "Limelight" and Stephen's teleprompter to be rewritten to the lyrics of "By-Tor and the Snow Dog."
  • Colbert returning to the Even Steven segment with Steve Carell.

Steve Carell: What's the matter, Jon Stewart's teat doesn't come with an extension cord?
Colbert: Wow, eight chairs? You can seat all the people who saw Dan in Real Life!

  • July 27, 2010: Stephen Colbert...vs. Kevin freaking Kline on who can out-pronunciate each other. Followed by who can act out famous Shakespeare characters the best using only facial expressions and grunts.
    • In that same episode, Colbert finds out that plants can apparently think and remember. He proceeds to yell at his plant Phil and shove it in the garbage, screaming: "Oh yeah! Try to make chlorophyll in there, motherfucker!"
  • When talking about how a magazine cover digitally removed a woman standing next to President Obama for the photograph, Stephen Colbert says, "Everyone, I am a big fan of Photoshop. And so is my friend Abe Lincoln." A picture then appears of him with his arm around a portrait of Abe. The joke continues on as he removes the oil slick from the Gulf, replaces that with clean tropical water, puts the picture into the size requirements for a magazine cover, and then puts on text: "Stephen Colbert solves oil disaster!" Once he was done, he looked at the camera and said, "Nobel Prize, please! Wait..." After a few clicks on the computer, a picture of him holding the Nobel Prize appears in the top left corner. The huge smile on his face as he points to the picture just makes it better.
  • Stephen Colbert was unimpressed with how Barack Obama announced the soldiers were coming back to America. His version of how it should have been done is the most Crazy Awesome thing he could have ever described, and had this troper in a coughing fit from laughing so hard.
  • Everything Stephen did in relation to the 2010 Olympics, including:
    • Helping the US speed skating team raise money after their main source of income went bust and "racing" against Shani Davis to show there was no hard feelings after Shani apparently took Canada's side in the "Icehole" insult battle.
    • Trying out for the US bobsled team with Team 1 (AKA "The Night Train"; he blacked out and had a 2001 Acid Sequence) and the curling team.
    • Technically, since it was for NBC not the Report, but Colbert's appearance during the Vancouver Olympics (which includes riding a stuffed moose and climbing into the studio's fake fireplace while exclaiming how awesome NBC is for its "realism") had the host and the film crew dying of laughter.
    • And of course Colbert's Vancouver Olympics shows, where he used a blue screen "window" to relocate the studio from a mountain top to a blimp to NBC studios, and used his own fake fireplace to do satellite interviews.
    • Also this sign: Marry Me Stephen, It's Legal Here!
  • Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown...KING TUT'S PENIS![2]
  • Let's get right to the news everybody's talking about - MONKEYS!
  • The Colbert Report's segment for their Emmy nomination for writing:

Stephen (paraphrased): My staff do everything together, as if they were one organism. (Holds up bloody bone saw) Or they will be once I make them into a human centipede. Stand still you--!

  • Stephen Colbert gets married to his hand.
  • And that's why Isa Blyth gets a wag of my finger... for being a century long tease.
  • Stephen tells us how to ruin gay marriage. Apparently, it involves getting into a long-term relationship with a gay Jewish man named Jonathan, getting engaged to him and then jilting him at the altar. He breaks down in tears partway through telling the story.
    • A Jewish man named Jonathan, hmm? Wonder who that could be...
      • While it seems to fit - especially given that it's a Jewish ceremony - Stephen mentions that "Jonathan's" mother is named Janet. Jon Stewart's mother's name, according to That Other Wiki, is Marian. Of course, Stephen has also said on the show that his wife is named Lorraine- when in fact it's Evelyn. Maybe he's following the old RPF rule of not involving the families of celebrities that aren't celebrities themselves?
  • 9/29/10: Koalas are being infected with chlamydia at a rapid rate. Threat #2 on the ThreatDown: Whoever's F@%$&*% Our Koalas! (2:00) (Colbert starts laughing so hard he breaks character.)
    • The same clip has him talking about Guiness Book of World Records being his favorite alcohol sponsored reference book, even more than Captain Morgan's Rhyming Dictionary with words that rhyme with "arr" such as Tennessee Senatarr Lamarr Alexandarr.
  • Stephen Colbert finds out that semen was used by Mi:6 as an experimental invisible ink during World War I. He takes this concept and runs with it.
  • The Stephen Colbert/Steve Carrell verbal smackdown in a July 2010 episode.
  • Also doubling as a CMOA, his entire Curb Stomp Battle against a British Petroleum exec who gets run over repeatedly by a sea turtle in a hybrid while the bing.com logo flashes and Stephen sets some seagulls on him.
  • This installment of the long running series "Stephen Colbert's 2010 Midterm Republican Gubernatorial Primary Battle Watch '010", featuring the first appearance of Basil Marceaux.com. The whole thing is utterly insane, and ends with Colbert breaking down when he discusses Basil Marceaux.com's role as an agent of the Freedman's Bureau. Also, this part:

Stephen: I believe Islam is the one great and true cult, praise be to Allah and the Nike's he wears, all glory and honour to the comet that hides his spaceship!

Colbert: I've only got 1 question... who's rubbing their asses on our keyboards? They can at least leave a nice little note saying "I rubbed my ass here".

  • Even Stephen was a beautiful segment but this exchange is one of the best (regarding Bill Clinton):

Carell: Two words Stephen: Dow ten-thousand.
Colbert: White-water.
Carell: Welfare reform.
Colbert: Monica-gate.
Carell: Eight years of peace.
Colbert: Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! God your voice is like a jackal picking at my brain. I hate you! I hate who you are and what you do and how you sound and what you say! You're like a cancer on my life! God!
[Beat]
Carell: Well that was ugly and humiliating. You feel any better now?

Stephen: Your ice-cream is pretty good...for 12:30. It's just not ready for the 11:30 time slot yet!
Jimmy: Thanks, Steve. Your ice-cream is okay, too...as a palate cleanser for Tosh0.
Stephen: And your ice-cream is like a Jimmy Fallon SNL sketch--halfway through you break down laughing and you can't finish it! (Jimmy suppresses his laughter)

Jimmy: Your ice-cream is like your cameo in Bewitched...I don't have an insult, I just wanted to remind everyone you were in Bewitched.

Stephen: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Stephen: Well, I guess the only way to settle this, Jimmy, is with an ice-cream eating contest!
Jimmy: Yes! Whichever ice-cream tastes better, logically can be eaten faster!
Stephen: Just like the best wines are the ones you can chug!

  • Stephen Colbert's Twitter campaign on Jon Kyl using the hashtag: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Some examples:

Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement.
On weekends, Jon Kyl shoots manatees with paintball guns. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement.
Citing religious reasons, Jon Kyl refuses to utter the number 8. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement.

  • Colbert mentions going on a religion bender (i.e. Catholicism) while trying to give up religion on Lent. He almost makes it, but in the closing days he going and getting drunk on religion the way people go out and get shitfaced. He even remembers saying a "Hail Mary" and an "Our Father" at the same time--"that's right, the Catholic speedball."
    • Vacsa-not-masturbating. "It is a set of realistic prosthetic arms, that make it look like you're just going about your business, so that no one will know that you're going about your business." Cue Colbert hiding his mouth behind the suit's jacket to conceal just how hard he's laughing. Furthermore, showing that Vacsa-Not Masturbating can be used to free you up to handle the issue of restless leg syndrome at a romantic dinner, driving to work, even during a high profile TV interview.
  • This Current Events article. You know it's gonna be a long segment when the tazer used to help in the introduction decides to phone it in...

Colbert: Folks, there is electricity in the air, (reaches under his desk) and if you resist arrest, in your central nervous system! (brandishes tazer, to no avail) It's fucking broken...

Colbert: Goodbye! I'll see you in hell!

  • Most if not all of The Colbert Report on Bin Laden. Highlights include:
    • The aforementioned celebration.
    • Because Barack Obama did kill Bin Laden he was going to lay off the insults and sets an egg timer for how long he'll lay off the insults. Then parodies Obama walking out to give the announcement claiming it to be self indulgent.
    • "Folks, I can not put this any plainer that golly gee willikers, by which I mean suck my giant American balls Al Qaeda."
    • His inability to get over Bin Laden being shot in the eye.

"I am as giddee as a schoolgirl who just shot Bin Laden in the eye. In the eye! Hey, Osama, No 3D movies for you in hell."

    • And as he jogs over to speak to one of his guests he turns to the camera, goes "whooo!" and makes a finger gun motion by his eye.

"And I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death. And I'm sure, I know if I saw myself in the mirror I would be appalled by the look on my face." (holds up mirror) "Nope I like this. That's a good look. I want to stay like this forever."

    • After a report on college kids celebrating Stephan Colbert brings up how young they would have been when 9/11 happened, so he brings up a montage on the spate of shark attacks that was the big news before the terrorist attack.

"See? Just sharks. So with Bin Laden gone we have nothing to worry about so long as no one chums the ocean." (cue report on Bin Laden's burial at sea) "Noooooo!!! You fools!!! Don't you realize the Fukishima plant is leaking massive amounts of radiation into the sea, and if a mutant shark combines with Bin Laden's DNA we could be facing the summer of Fin Laden!!!"

  • Colbert reports on Italian officials seizing a shipment of tap shoes headed for North Korea, which has a ban from the UN on "luxury goods" being shipped to Kim Jong Il's government. Colbert runs with the absurdity of the implications, and then brings out a tap dancing troupe composed of six dancers cosplaying as Dear Leader.
  • Stephen's entire several-part segment with Jack White. The entire time, Jack seemed to be wondering just how the hell he got himself into this.

Stephen: Think The Black Belles are ready for the Colbert Bump?
Jack: What's a Colbert Bump?
Stephen: You, motherfucker are about to find out!

  • Making fun of the controversial commercials for Summer's Eve feminine wash (which use hands-as-puppets as "stand-ins"). The version target at black women is described as "having an urban feel to it", and Steve finally loses it at the Latina stand-in, which asks to "get rid of that leopard print thong; <that is the tackiest thing I have ever seen in my life--and you know I've seen it!>"

Colbert: This is America; our vaginas speak English! (loses it)

    • Then there's Stephen's response in the form of a dick creme...
    • Summer's Eve was parodied again with a fake commercial by Jeff Bridges.
  • Colbert's entire expose on Patrick Rogers.
  • "I also see that I'm reaching the Muslim vote when I received a donation from somebody named "Suq Madiq." I trust this is a real person, and assume that his parents are very proud of him... his father, Liqa Madiq, and his mother, who still goes by her maiden name, [name "Munchma Quchi" comes up, prompting Stephen to corpse harder than ever, before he can read it]."
    • "Munchma Quchi" has now become a Running Gag on the show.
  • The Sept. 6, 2011 Cheating Death segment introduces Vaxamalgam, the one-pod-of-pills-fused-together-fits-all cure to insomnia, drowsiness, angina, eczema, dry mouth, damp mouth, constipation, diarrhea, night terrors, day terrors, brunch terrors, sore throat, Deep Throat, lockjaw, slackjaw, jabberjaw, nausea, rashes, heart arrhythmia, erectile dysfunction, blood in urine, urine in blood, shingles, cedar shake, aluminum siding, or whatever that yellow one does. Depending on what condition you have, Vaxamalgam will cure it... or cause it. Side effects include asperger helper, Jimmy-crack-corneas, and explosive diorama.
    • You also should not take it with milk...but that shouldn't be a problem as it's a suppository. (Mind you, it's about the length and width of a tv remote, sooo...)
  • September 12, 2011: Colbert reports on a seemingly irrelevant story at length before revealing that the New York Times had completely plagiarized it and outright fabricated a new story.
  • September 13, 2011: Stephen's guest, Al Gore accidentally breaks the fourth wall and mentions Stephen's "character." Stephen's reaction is priceless.
  • After Stephen ended his 6-month long best friendship with Jimmy Fallon, Anderson Cooper offers his friendship to Stephen, along with a plug for his daytime show, but is rejected with a Too Soon. The exact same thing happens with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night the next night.
  • In this clip from the June 24th, 1999 shot on The Daily Show about the end of the show "Another World": Stephen's real name isn't actually Colbert, and he's Jon's bastard elevator baby.
  • What happens to girls on Ibuprofen? At about 4:50, you can find out too!.
  • Stephen Colbert relentlessly mocks the "vodka tamponing", especially when he learns that girls aren't the only ones doing it. Even worse, Stephen has to stop himself from Corpsing right in the middle of his delivery.

Stephen: (closing out the segment) And if you salt the tampons in tequila, don't salt the rim! We'll be right back! (turns away from the camera to laugh his ass off)

    • Worse still, it's not just girls doing it. I'll let your mind run with that.
  • Horrifying news! Norway has run out of butter! And they will soon be overrun by the butter cartels. When that happens, we will see such things as desperate butter mules swallowing condoms filled with sticks of Land 'O Lakes, then push them on the streets of Oslo to spreadheads tweaking on shortbread. Butter kingpins will be meeting by the docks to move bales of fresh-churned Golden Cow, then test its purity by backing apple turnovers in the back of a truck. In short: things will get ugly and delicious.
  • The January 11, 2012 episode, where Mitt Romney's winning the New Hampshire primary and Stephen's coming to the realization that he might just have to settle for him is treated like the climax of a Romantic Comedy, complete with a gay best friend who gives advice.
  • The February 23, 2012 segment with the Wheat Thins sponsortunity. It all was funny:

"A couple of times a year, the network sometimes asks me to do an integrated sponsorship, which I love - the money's green and I'm in. These sponsortunities have led to some of our most memorable segments, from the Hail to the Cheese Stephen Colbert's Nacho Cheese Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign coverage, to last week's Syrian Atrocity Update, Brought to You by Fruit Roll-Ups. Fruit Roll-Ups: overthrow your tastebuds."

    • Then there's the hilariously specific memo that states that Stephen cannot be shown eating more than 16 Wheat-Thins promoting the product on the show. He jams all 16 into his mouth:

Stephen Colbert: [with his mouth full] This feels right. But I still want more. [to the audience] Whaddaya say? Shoud I go for seventeen?
[Audience shouts "YEAH!" Colbert reaches below his desk and pulls out a seventeenth Wheat Thin. As he is about to put it in his mouth, the show promptly cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" image for about four seconds. When it cuts back, Colbert's mouth is empty, a lawyer is standing behind him, and Colbert is reading another sheet of paper]

Stephen Colbert: I would like to apologize to Wheat Thins, and the entire Nabisco family of snackable products. I thought that I was building a purposeful experience relevent to the brand but I see now that I was being a crusader and/or a rebel.

"I have always felt a special kinship with the land down under. After all, if my Irish great-great grandfather Seamus Connolly hadn't jumped off that Sydney-bound convict ship, right now, I'd be doing segments like Tip of the Bush Hat / Wag of the Didgeridoo, and Alpha Dingo of the Week. So I assume that Australians celebrate Easter just like us, except of course below the equator, where Jesus comes out of the tomb counter-clockwise."


Unsorted

  • "...so you hate him because he's anti-semantic?"
  • Not to mention: "Arr, I'm Cap n' Trade!"
  • Pretty much any time things don't go as planned.
  • The Tek Jansen theme song. Pretty much every line.

Tek Jansen, Alpha Squad Seven, facing the future of courage!
 Killing the aliens! Loving the aliens!
Sometimes loving, then killing the aliens!
Tek Jansen, wearer of starsuits, surfing the comet of danger!
Foiling his enemy, Thurmond Chang
And those affiliated with the Thurmond Chang Gang!

  1. ↑ Crack cocaine users tend to be black and powder cocaine users tend to be white
  2. ↑ Yahiiiii-aigh!
  3. ↑ Yahiiiii-aigh!
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