< That '70s Show

That '70s Show/Quotes



Season 1

That '70s Pilot [1.1]

Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
Jackie: What did we exchange for him?
Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Eric's Birthday [1.2]

Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
Kelso: Hello Laurie.
Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Fez: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.
Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Streaking [1.3]

Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting!
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.
[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]
Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Battle of the Sexists [1.4]

Jackie: I'm waiting.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]
Jackie: Thank you!
[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
Kelso: Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...
[Red walks in]
Kelso: [loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Red: Kelso, go home.

Eric's Burger Job [1.5]

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.
Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.
Hyde: Prison.

The Keg [1.6]

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that’s 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
Hyde: No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.
Kelso: True.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso: Which is...
Kelso and Hyde: Decent!
[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
Red: So, a real wisenheimer, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

That Disco Episode [1.7]

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]
Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.
Donna: Why did you go?
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?
[The guys are smoking in the basement]
Kelso: I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

Drive-In [1.8]

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!
Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

Thanksgiving [1.9]

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]
Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?
Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.
Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]
Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore!
[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]
Red: Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
Eric: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red: [slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday [1.10]

Donna: [to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?
Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.
Eric: Your shirt's on inside-out.
Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.
Hyde: The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Eric's Buddy [1.11]

Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: OK, well like what?
Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.
Jackie: MICHAEL!
Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.
Frank: Number 10, your order is ready.
Kelso: Yeah, I'll be right there.
Frank: Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.
Kelso: Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!
Frankie: Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You have both your legs Frank...
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

The Best Christmas Ever [1.12]

Eric: Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?
Kitty: So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?
Laurie: Oh, I like to date around.
Eric: [coughs] Slut!
Kitty: Bless you.
Eric: Thanks, Mom.

Ski Trip [1.13]

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]
Gus: Well, hello there!
Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
Gus: Oh, I’m going... wherever you’re going!
Kelso: Wow, that’s lucky!
Gus: So, did it hurt?
Kelso: What?
Gus: When you fell down from heaven!
Kelso: No, I’m fine!
Fez: I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Stolen Car [1.14]

Eric: [sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.
Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Eric: See, when you say it, it just sounds weird

That Wrestling Show [1.15]

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.
[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]
Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
Manager: [cuts off Red] No, no autographs.
Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
Manager: Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.
Rocky Johnson: You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!
Red: Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.
Eric: No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.
Red: Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.
Eric: No, it's not.
Red: Stop kidding around, Red.

The First Date [1.16]

Red: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
Eric: Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
Red: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]
Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael.
Kelso: What?
Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it.
Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.

The Pill [1.17]

Eric: I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.
Donna: I'm sorry.
Eric: Yeah, me too.
Jackie: Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.
Eric: Okay then well, good luck with that.

Career Day [1.18]

Donna: So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?
Eric: Um, not touch dead people. Ever.
Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Prom Night [1.19]

Kelso: Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?
Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Kelso: NO, ME!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter.
Jackie: Well, I have a date too.
Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?
Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.
Kelso: Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

A New Hope [1.20]

Fez: I'm so excited about Star Whores.
Hyde: Fez man, it's Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.
Eric: Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.
Kelso: Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.
[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
Red: The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
Bob: Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
Red: [exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
Bob: Yeah.
Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?
Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

Water Tower [1.21]

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.
Kelso: What?
Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger.
Kelso: It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.
Hyde: Get up and make it better!
Kelso: Fine!
[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]
Hyde: Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]
Jackie: [Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]
Hyde: Hey, Kelso!
Kelso: [weakly] Yeah?
Hyde: How's it look from down there?!
Kelso: It looks like it's giving me the finger!
Red: Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization—
Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Punk Chick [1.22]

Eric: Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!
[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!
Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Grandma's Dead [1.23]

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.
Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?
Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!
[Hyde walks into the basement.]
Hyde: Forman. Let's go get wasted.
[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]
Donna: [exasperated] Great!
Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
Hyde: [frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

Hyde Moves In [1.24]

Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.
Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!
Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

The Good Son [1.25]

Donna: So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.
Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.

Season 2

Garage Sale [2.1]

[Kitty suggests something for Hyde to do at a garage sale.]
Kitty: Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!
Kitty: You could have a little bake sale.
Hyde: I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.
Kitty: Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..
Hyde: I'm not much of — brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!
Eric: No, they DON'T.
Hyde: Oh, they love my brownies!
Eric: You dance with Mary Jane, you get your toes stepped on. That's right. Consequences, my friend. Yeah, consequences. Now my car's gone and Red's high as a kite.

Red's Last Day [2.2]

Kitty: Ohhh! You're wearing your University of Wisconsin sweatshirt!
Laurie: Yeah. Mother, I went there.
Kitty: No. You flunked out of there. You might as well wear your "University of I Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt! Take it off. [Laurie begins to take the sweatshirt but Kitty stops her halfway after seeing her with only a bra underneath]
[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]
Hyde: [To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.
Red: Good for you, Steven.
Hyde: I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

The Velvet Rope [2.3]

Kitty: Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.
Eric: That's because I don’t know what it is.
Kitty: Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some…surprises!
Eric: Mom, why aren't you eating it?
Kitty: Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.
Hyde: Is this rabbit?
Kitty: No!
Laurie: Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.
Red: [walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?
Laurie: I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world’s best father.
[Hyde is trying to guess what Kitty has served for breakfast.]
Hyde: Oh, I know! It's tongue! [Kitty says nothing; to Eric] It's tongue.

Laurie and the Professor [2.4]

[Donna and Midge are hanging out]
Donna: So ... here we are ... together... again.
Midge: Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves,' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.
Donna: Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
Midge: Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?
Donna: They're awesome!
Midge: Good! Cause your father's an ass!
[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]
Red: So, what does she need to do to get back into school?
Professor Stark: Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.
Kitty: Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?
Eric: Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.
Laurie: [thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!
Eric: It was just...it was so surprising.
Hyde: Oh Eric, do tell!
Eric: I saw Laurie....
Stark: I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!
Red: That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

Halloween [2.5]

Fez: So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?
Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie: YES!!!
Fez: Oh I don't believe you!
[Cutaway to Fez at someone's door dressed as Batman]
Fez: Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!
[Person slams door in his face]
Hyde: Wait a minute, you're 18?
Kelso: Yeah. That's why I always seemed more mature than you guys.
Hyde: You mean to tell me this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!
Fez: [Gasps] You bastard.
Kelso: No! It's not what you think!
Hyde: You're dead to me.
Kelso: Well, Eric ruined your life.
Hyde: And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

Vanstock [2.6]

[The gang is heading to Vanstock. Kelso and Laurie are in the forward section of the van]
Kelso: So, you wanna shift?
Laurie: It's an automatic.
Kelso: I know.
Jackie: [jumps out from behind the curtain] Surprise!
Kelso: AAAAAAAHHHH!
[Red fantasizes a scene in the manner of a soap opera]
Announcer: And now, another episode of Point Place.
Red: My god Kitty. What have I become?
Kitty: I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.
Red: [faces her] What are you saying?
Kitty: I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, [faces camera] Eric's real father.
Red: But why?
Kitty: He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?
Red: [dramatically bites his fist] I've got nothing. [Kitty cries] Dear God. Will I ever work again? [puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.]
[Cuts to Red sitting in the kitchen, Kitty enters]
Kitty: Penny for your thoughts.
Red: Well, one thing I'm thinkin' - I've gotta stop watchin' the damn soaps.

I Love Cake [2.7]

Donna: How do you do that?
Eric: Do what?
Donna: You always make me feel better.
Eric: Uhm, well thank you.
Donna: I love you, Eric.
Eric: I love... cake.
[Jackie introduces a leather-jacketed Kelso to Hyde and Fez]
Jackie: Ummm...may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso! [applauds as Kelso runs up the driveway]
Kelso: Yeah..sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones. [mimics Brando voice] Yeah, I’m so Brando!
Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie!
Kelso: What are you even saying?
Hyde: I think you know what I’m saying... [imitating Fonzie] 'EYYY!!
Kelso: Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz?
Jackie: No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although, I mean, I like the Fonz you know he’s kinda...
Kelso: Fez?! Fonz, yes or no?
Fez: Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.
Kelso: Thank you Fez!
Fez: Now, if I could just have a moment of your time...?
Kelso: Sure!
Fez: Good, yes. Okay a gang of thugs has taken over Arnold's! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope!
Kelso: I can’t believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys can’t even see that! Well you can both just...
Hyde: Sit on it? [Kelso runs off, with Jackie following him]

Sleepover [2.8]

Leo: So, do you like photos, man?
Hyde: Yeah, man. Sure.
Leo: Okay, you got the job, man.
Hyde: Just like that? You don't need to interview anyone else?
Leo: No one else showed up, man.
Hyde: So, what do I do here, anyway?
Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen. If you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?
Hyde: Or even better, I could take a picture.
Leo: Whoa, a picture of a Photo Hut. Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh. Hey, listen, man. Hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I don't like big brother gettin' into my business, you dig.
Hyde: Man, keeping the government out of it. I'm so with you.
Leo: No, my big brother, man. He's always hittin' me up for money.
Hyde: Oh, 'cause you're the responsible one?
Leo: Yeah, it's my curse, man. Hey, listen. I gotta go, uh, do a thing at, uh, a place.
Hyde: Yeah, man, I hear that. So, want me to lock up when I'm done?
Leo: Lock up? Wow, that's a great idea, man. Hey, you're one of those idea men, aren't ya, man?
Hyde: Yeah, maybe some day you'll be working for me, huh.
Leo: Really? Oh, that'd be cool, man. Hey, but can I have Saturday night off? Cool!
Hyde: So where’s Donna, man?
Eric: Donna? Donna? Oh! You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?
Hyde: Yeah, yeah, that’s the one.
Eric: She went home this morning.
Hyde: So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?
Eric: So let’s just say she went home a very happy woman.

Eric Gets Suspended [2.9]

[Eric is being punished for "smoking." Red has him sweeping out the garage. Bob blames Eric for Donna failing English.]
Red: Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.
Bob: Well, I guess the truth hurts.
Red: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob: All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!
Red: I gotta disagree, Bob!
Eric: Uh, Dad... thanks for...
Red: KEEP SWEEPING, SMOKER!
Hyde: Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.
Kelso: Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?
Donna: Because he's stupid.
Kelso: [terrified] They can do that?

Red's Birthday [2.10]

[Red is asked to make a birthday wish on his night out with Kitty. Bob and Midge are also present, with their own dates]
Red: Riiight. Now I’m gonna eat this steak, but first, I’m gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up!
Jackie: Say it.
Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.
Jackie: Again.
Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.
Jackie: Again.
Kelso: I do not keep secrets from you.
Fez: Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do [takes Jackies hand] I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...
Kelso: [takes Jackie's hand] Okay, what he said!
Jackie: Oh Michael! [kisses Michael while Fez wears Stupid Helmet and hits the table]

Laurie Moves Out [2.11]

Kelso: [While in the circle] But I was just amusing myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.
Fez: Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. It's almost Tuesday, right?

Eric's Stash [2.12]

[The guys are putting in a new water heater]
Eric: This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red : That's right.
[Red has admitted getting Eric's Candy Land money stash to buy a new water heater]
Red: Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.

Hunting [2.13]

[Kelso is insisting on firing his hunting rifle while in Red's car on the way to a hunting lodge]
Kelso: I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!
Fez: Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.
Eric: Whoa, Fez, shut up.
Red: [overhears remark] What did you say?
Fez: [pause] Nothing.
Red: [grumbles] Foreigners...
[Eric sees a deer.]
Eric: [to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.
Red: [shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

Red's New Job [2.14]

[Kelso tries to find food in the Formans' cupboards.]
Donna: Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.
Kelso: Yeah, right.
Eric: Nah, it’s true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.
Kelso: Man, how’s come everything that’s good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I’m trying it!
Kitty: [enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don’t eat our beets! [gets can]
Jackie: You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman’s right. You’re horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]
Kelso: Oh my God, are you serious?
Jackie: What?
Kelso: Nothing!
[Kitty awaits the outcome of Red's Price Mart supervisor interview]
Hyde: I’ll be in the basement.
Kitty: No, you sit!
Hyde: Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I’m family!
Laurie: Not to me, freak.
Hyde: You are so going to end up in porno!
Kitty: [sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]
Eric: Right to the bar. Not a good sign.
Red: What are you all looking at? Don’t you think that...Price Mart’s new supervisor deserves a drink?
Kitty: Yay!
Red: Yeah, I got it!
Eric: Hey, congratulations, Dad.
Red: Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you’re fired.
Eric: What, you can’t do that!
Red: Yes I can! You’re fired!
Eric: Hey, you know what? I’m not fired.
Red: Ok, if it’s so important to you, you’re not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!
Hyde: God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?
Eric: [laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.
Red: I know!

Burning Down the House [2.15]

[Red alerts Kitty about Bob wearing a toupee]
Kitty: No hair?
Red: None...well, a little.
Kitty: Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?
Red: Geez Kitty, I don’t know. I barely looked.
Kitty: Ok I need a visual aid. [gets a Wooly Willy]
Red: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Kitty: Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]
Kitty: [astonished] Really.
[at Jackie's dinner party, a drunk Eric serenades Donna with his own version of Hey Paula. Schoolmate Timmy is on the piano]
Eric: Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I’ve waited so long for [voice cracks] school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you [high-pitched] hey hey Donna!!
Donna: Eric, get down off there right now!
Eric: What’s the problem Donna?
Timmy: Yeah, what’s the problem Donna?
Donna: Timmy, go get your pants on or I’ll beat the crap out of you! [Timmy runs out of the room] Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?
Eric: Oh yeah baby.
Donna: [grabs trophy Eric uses as microphone] Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party’s over.
Eric: Well, hey, this was your idea.
Donna: Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.
Eric: Well I’m new at this [grabs the trophy back] so sue me. [sings again] Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna!

The First Time [2.16]

[Fez tries out Twister on his own]
Fez: Ok, here we go. [spins the spinner] Right hand blue. [does game behind the couch.]
Eric: Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
Fez: That's where you're wrong, my friend. [pause] Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. [leg appears above the couch, then he slowly puts it back down]
Hyde: Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Fez: Take a message.
[Midge and Bob recites their vows]
Midge: Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]
Bob: We've known each other since we were practically kids.
Midge: So we know all the good stuff...
Bob: ...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]
Midge: I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Bob: Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.
Midge: No matter what happens...
Bob: Good or bad...
Midge: I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]
Kitty: Awww!

Afterglow [2.17]

Bob: Hey, there kids, where've you two been?
Donna: God, Dad, can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, God, it was just a minute!
Eric: To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]
Donna: Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
Midge: Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.
Laurie: My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!
Kitty: Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!
Midge: Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!
Laurie: No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Kitty: Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!
Midge: I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?
Laurie: I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
Kitty: And it was just wonderful. Eventually.

Kitty and Eric's Night Out [2.18]

Donna: Jackie, you are so totally hot for him. I can see it in your eyes.
Jackie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I like Fez? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [runs off]
[Arriving home after watching Annie Hall]
Eric: Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?
Kitty: Oh, I'd love to.
Eric: Very cool. Good night, Mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]
Red: Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!

Parents Find Out [2.19]

Red: How stupid do you think I am? We know what you were doing in the car.
Kitty: No. We don't know.
Red: Yes we do.
Kitty: No. We don't know.
Laurie: [cheering] I do!
Eric: Of course you do! You...majored in it!
[at the planned meeting with three radio babes, Fez decides to stay behind and take his chances with three old women at the entrance to a club]
Fez: Hello my lovelies, I am Julie. Which one of you is Hot-To-Trot?
Girl's Voice: Julie?
Fez: [turns around] Yes? [sees attractive girls walk up to him]
Girl No 1: You made it! I'm Hot-to-Trot.
Girl No 2: I'm Foxy Lady!
Girl No 3: And I'm Nice-and-Easy!
Fez: You're not fat. Or old at all!
Nice-and-Easy: Of course not! We're gymnasts.
Fez: Dear, Penthouse... [girls smile]

Kiss of Death [2.20]

[Eric starts to drive the car into the garage]
Eric: What the...?
Red: You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.
Eric: Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.
Red: Wow. That is one dead cat.
[At the Forman kitchen, Kelso tells Laurie that they must break up]
Kelso: I don’t wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.
Laurie: Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?
Kelso: Uh...sure! [Realizes what he’s doing] No, wait! No! [releases Laurie and turns around so his back is to the kitchen's garage entrance] No! Okay, I...this...Laurie, I...I’m serious. We’re over.
Laurie: Wow. I think you really mean it.
Kelso: I totally do.
Laurie: [sees Jackie just outside the garage] Okay, Kelso, you’re free! You know what I’d like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.
Kelso: Um...okay, well sure. [kisses Laurie. Jackie is shocked and rushes in]
Jackie: Michael!
Kelso: [lets go of Laurie] Jackie! We were...[Jackie runs away] No, there was...
Laurie: Wow, how ironic, huh? [leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall]

Kelso's Serenade [2.21]

[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]
Kelso: "I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]
Eric Forman: Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.
Fez: You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.
Kelso: That's true.
Eric: Donna does not control me!
Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Kelso: I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"
Eric: Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]
Kelso: [laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!
[at Aunt Pearl's home, Red tries a way to entertain her along with Kitty and Laurie]
Red: Come on Pearl, there's a Bucks game on!
Aunt Pearl: [enthusiastically gets out of rest room and heads to her chair] The Bucks, huh?
Kitty: [comforts Red] Well, now see? This is nice.
Aunt Pearl: The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! PPPT!
Red: [Unenthusiastically]: Go Bucks.

Jackie Moves On [2.22]

Kelso: So, did you kiss her? 'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.
Fez: No, I didn't want to kiss her. I wanted to hand her a napkin... There was not a moment when she didn't have a face full of food. I was disgusted.
Eric: Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.
Laurie: What are you talking about, loser?
Eric: The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.
Fez: [whispering to Hyde] what's going on?
Hyde: Shh. Pretend it's TV.
Eric: Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.
Laurie: In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
Eric: You stuffed in high school.
Laurie: So did you.
Eric: Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.
Laurie: Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all—
Eric: Laurie was born with a tail!
[Fez gasps.]
Hyde: What?
Eric: Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
Laurie: I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]
Eric: It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]

Holy Crap! [2.23]

Pastor Dave: Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.
Kitty: See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.
Dave: Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.
Hyde: No man, it's Clapton.
Eric: Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.
Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.
[Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... [frightened] Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

Red Fired Up [2.24]

[Red scolds Eric on picking up boxes]
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-
Eric: [as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...
[Kelso leaves with Laurie]
Hyde: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

Cat Fight Club [2.25]

[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]
Red: What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?
Kelso: Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -
Red: Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.
Kelso: Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -
Red: No no, see...that's not gonna work either.
Kelso: This is hard, Red!
Red: Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!
Kelso: Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
Red: [threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso! [Kelso begins to cry]
[After Jackie mauls Laurie]
Donna: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.
Eric: Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.
Jackie: Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?
Hyde: Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.

Moon Over Point Place (1) [2.26]

[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]
Hyde: Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!
Eric: Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.
Kelso: [whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.
Jackie: God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.
Eric: Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]
[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]
Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!
Hyde: Oh, my God, will you shut up?

Season 3

Reefer Madness [3.1]

Red: [After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!
Red: I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard! Starting right now, fun time is over! [stalks out of the kitchen]
Eric: So where was I for fun time?

Red Sees Red [3.2]

[while family is watching The Brady Bunch]
Eric: Yeah, I love the Bradys. Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?
Red: Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
Hyde: That's my favorite.
Eric and Hyde: [to Shirley Jones] Hi, Mom!
Kitty: Mom?
Shirley Jones: That's right, Kitty.
Eric: We’re Partridges now!
Hyde: This is gonna be great! I’m pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!
Kitty: No! Partridges? You can’t live in a bus! There’s no toilet!

Hyde's Father [3.3]

[The guys enter a bar]
Eric: All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
Fez: And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Hyde: Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.
Bud: So, fellas, school let out early?
Kelso: Yeah. We're just....
Eric: Kelso, shut up!
Kelso: Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
Bud: Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?
Hyde: I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]
[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]
Donna: You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? [gets up to look under his bed]
Eric: What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?
Donna: Why do you have these down here?
Eric: Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
Donna: Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? [throws the magazines at him]
Eric: No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
Donna: You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here [leaves room]
Eric: [to magazines] Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.

Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die [3.4]

[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]
Kelso: You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn’t know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I’m in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]
Donna: Yeah, ok, I’m out of here.
Eric: Wait, but I thought we-
Donna: GET BENT!
Eric: Ok, I’ll do that.
[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]
Fez: You can’t kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!
Bob: Kill Midge? I didn’t kill Midge. She’s in Chicago visiting her sister.
Fez: Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?
Bob: Garbage, you idiot.
Hyde: Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t!
Fez: Explain that, killer!
Bob: They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o’-lanterns.
Fez: So, you’re hiding Midge’s body in a jack-o’-lantern. Clever plan.
Bob: [walks over to the window] Look, there’s Midge now. Not dead or nothing. [Fez sees Midge getting undressed]
Fez: Oh goody! You can go now.
Bob: Midgey! No! Cover yourself!

Roller Disco [3.5]

[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
Announcer: And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
Donna and Jackie: Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
Announcer: Friend.
Kelso: Fix! Fix!
Jackie: I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
Fez: And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Jackie: Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Kelso: Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
Jackie: [Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
Kelso: What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Jackie: Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Donna: Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
Kelso: What's the bright side?
Donna: The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.
[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]
Eric: I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
Earl: [enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
Mediator: Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
Earl: Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
Red: Car?
Earl: Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
Mediator: You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
Red: None taken.
Eric: That's kind of his thing.
Mediator: But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
Red: Yes, sir!
Eric: Way to go, Dad!
Earl: Damn... dog.
Mediator: And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
Red: Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]
Eric: Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
Red: [obviously angry] I'll see you at home. [leaves room]
Eric: Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!

Eric's Panties [3.6]

Red: [reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems] This isn’t food – this is what food eats!
[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]
Donna: Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
Shelly: Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
Donna: So these are some other girl's panties?!
Kelso: Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna-- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
Shelly: You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Eric: Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
Midge: [walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
Kelso: ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
Donna: [sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
Fez: [interrupts Midge] And please be specific.
Midge: Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]

Baby Fever [3.7]

Kitty: Look what I've got!
Laurie: Ew. What's that?
Kitty: That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Laurie: Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Kitty: Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Red: Oh? Then I'll do it.
Kitty: No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Eric: Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Red: Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the devil?
[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]
Hyde: All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Kelso: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]
Fez: Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Kelso: Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
Hyde: Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Kelso: Hyde.
Hyde: Dude, you burned her house.

Jackie Bags Hyde [3.8]

Hyde: Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.
Jackie: Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?
Hyde: Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.
My heart aches with pain. [Jackie smiles]
When I see you, I vomit. [Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]
Die away from me.
Donna: [enjoying herself from the couch] Ouch!
Hyde: Sayonara. [goes to basement room]
Jackie: [stunned] Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?
Donna: Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
Jackie: No, really, Donna!
Hyde: She's everything that I hate!
Kitty: But Steven, you hate everything.
[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]
Kitty: Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
Red: Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.
Donna: Well I hope you're all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
Eric: [surprised] Wait? What?
Donna: Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. [walks away]
Eric: Oh my God, I feel so bad.
Red: Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Eric: Wha...me? You coulda, you -
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Eric: Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Kitty: Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Red: Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.
Eric: Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]

Hyde's Christmas Rager [3.9]

Eric: [staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]
Red: Son of a bitch!
Kelso: [Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?
[Eric is laying on the couch, hungover]
Eric: My head hurts.
Red: That's your own brain comprehending it's own stupidity.
Kitty:[On Hyde's Dad] What kind of man leaves a bunch of kids alone with a keg?
Eric: A fun one?
Red: Hey, Jim Beam, can it.

Ice Shack [3.10]

Donna: Ooh, it's kinda cold.
Eric: Here, take my jacket.
Donna: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such a... perfect couple.
Jackie: I'm cold, too.
Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!
[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]
Laurie: But now, I have found my passion: Hair!
Kitty: The musical?
Laurie: No! HAIR! [Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]
Laurie: I'm going to beauty school!
Kitty: This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
Laurie: No! It's a real school!
Kitty: Oh. Well... yay!
Red: Congratulations, sweetheart!
[Laurie leaves in excitement.]
Red: Well, Kitty, what do you think?
Kitty: Eh.
Red: Yeah.

Who Wants It More? [3.11]

[At a party celebrating Red's 'death']
Kitty: Are you having fun?
Red: No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you [taps glass] Everybody. [guests look at him] Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!
[Awkward silence.]
Kitty: [Laughs nervously]
[Everyone else laughs.]
[Donna and Eric are in his room, putting their clothes back on.]
Eric: Donna, I'm so glad you're my study partner. Because you make learning fun. [Laughs and kisses Donna.]
Donna: Okay, well, no more study breaks. We have to get this report done.
Eric: Alright, fine. Okay.
[Both walk over to his bed and pick up their stuff.]
Eric: Report on the current state of U.S.-Soviet relations. Okay, we need a title.
Donna: How 'bout... Current State of U.S.-Soviet Relations?
Eric: Damn, you're smart. [Writes title down on paper.] "U.S.-Soviet Relations". [Looks up at Donna; jumps on top of her and they start making out.]

Fez Gets The Girl [3.12]

[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]
Hyde: Where's the tunes, Forman?
Fez: I learned how to speak English faster than this.
Kelso: It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

Dine and Dash [3.13]

[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]
Jackie: Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.
Kelso: Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?
Jackie: Oh, my God. I'm a thief.
Hyde: I think technically you're an accessory.
Eric: Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
Jackie: Shut up!
[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]
Hyde: Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
Donna: The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]
Fez: Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Jackie: Me, neither.
Hyde: Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Eric: Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Donna: Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.

Radio Daze [3.14]

[Red complains to the Fatso Burger manager, Ricky about the food served to him]
Ricky: May I help you, sir?
Red: Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.
Ricky: Let me take care of this right now. Earl!
Red: Oh, no. Did you say Earl?
Ricky: Just one second.
Earl: [walk out of kitchen] Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a - [sees Red] Oh. Hi, Red.
Ricky: You two know each other?
Earl: I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.
Ricky: Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!
Earl: What did I do?
Red: Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you.
[Having been hired at WFPP, Donna is introduced to her new job by the manager, Max, when the DJ, Jerry Thunder, comes on air]
Jerry Thunder: Oh, yeah, this is Jerry Thunder [plays thunderclap sound effect] Coming to you on The Sound! And it looks like we got a new office girl. What's your name, baby?
Donna: [speaks to mic] Um, Donna.
Jerry: Mmm. Well, Donna, you are hot. So I'm gonna call you... Hot Donna.
Donna: Okay.
Jerry: You got yourself a boyfriend, Hot Donna?
Donna: [ignore Max' cutting gesture]Um... no.
Jerry: Mmm. That is good news, fellas. 'Cause Hot Donna is... hot!
Donna: Uhm Max, why'd you make me say that? 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
Max: Fine. You have a boyfriend. So does Elton John.
Donna: No way!
Max: Yeah! They're a fantastic couple. I love 'em. The point is... we're selling an image here... and an available Hot Donna is good for ratings.
Donna: Oh. Well, what the hell. Eric won't have a problem with this.
[Switch to Eric's basement]
Eric: What the hell? I have a problem with this!

Donna's Panties [3.15]

Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty: I know, keep walking.
[Kitty and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.
Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Romantic Weekend [3.16]

Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red: Really.
Kitty: Hmmm.
Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: Are you good in math?
Red: What's the square root of x?
Eric: Um, I really can't answer that?
Red: A-HA!
Eric: No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red: Is that right?
Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric: Yes.
Red: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red: Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

Kitty's Birthday (That's Today!?) [3.17]

[Red and Eric have taken Kitty square dancing to make up for missing her birthday]
Eric: This is awful.
Donna: She made me waffles, now promenade you son of a bitch!

The Trials of Michael Kelso [3.18]

Fez: While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

Eric's Naughty No-No [3.19]

[Donna just told Jackie what Eric tried to do during their last 'session']
Jackie: He did? What the heck for?
Donna: I don't know. In what universe is that sexy?
Jackie: Only one... the skinny, pervert universe.
Donna: It was just so strange. I mean, usually he just sticks to, like, two or three key moves.
Jackie: You know, I bet it's because of that nudie flick they saw yesterday.
Donna: They went to an X-rated movie?
Jackie: Didn't Eric tell you?
Donna: No. God, why would Eric go see something like that? I mean, is our sex life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch other people do it?
Jackie: Donna, of course it is. It's okay.
[After Kitty and her sister, Paula, patch their differences]
Paula Sigurdson: Kitty, would you like a makeover?
Kitty: Oh, I really would.
Paula: Okay!
Kitty: [apprehensive] I wouldn't look like a whore, would I?

Holy Craps! [3.20]

[Kitty's not happy that Red, Eric, Hyde and Kelso joined the church fundraiser and rigged all the games]
Kitty: Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into Church without bursting into flames.

Fez Dates Donna [3.21]

Eric's Drunken Tattoo [3.22]

Donna: Take off your pants.
Eric: All right!
Donna: No! So I can see your tattoo!
Eric: I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... "Debbie." [pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]
Donna: Woodstock.
Eric: It says "Woodstock"?
Donna: No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! [laughs] You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

Canadian Road Trip [3.23]

Mountie #1: What are you doing in Canada?
Leo: What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Hyde: We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Eric: Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Kelso: Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
Fez: Me no speakas English.
Mountie #1: What's your business in Canada?
Leo: What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Eric: We're... getting beer.
Kelso: Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
Fez: Me no understando.
Mountie #2: What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Leo: What's your re-
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Hyde: Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Mountie #1: Been there.
Mountie #2: Done that.
Eric: Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Kelso: Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Fez: Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
Mountie #1: Wee foobie...
Mountie #2: Dibbie doobie...

Backstage Pass [3.24]

The Promise Ring [3.25]

Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.
[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]
Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
Eric: No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.
Donna: Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?
Eric: NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
Donna: [after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?
Eric: Are you giving back that ring?
Donna: Yes.
Eric: Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]

Season 4

It's A Wonderful Life [4.1]

Eric: Where are we going?
Angel: To your future.
Safety Dance by Men Without Hats plays in the background
Eric: What was that?
Angel: You will find out soon enough!
[A little kid punches the Alternate Eric at Donna and Hyde's wedding]
Alternate Eric: Ow!
Alternate Kitty: Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.
Eric: Brother? What the hell?
Angel: Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.
Alternate Red: Now, son, what do we call Eric?
Jake: Dumbass!
Alternate Red: There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]
[at the Point Place 1988 high-school reunion]
Alternate Eric: [hears real-life version of himself, who just witnessed the alternate Eric and Donna admit their feelings] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?
Eric: Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.
Angel: I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.
Alternate Eric: No, seriously, you had Donna?
Eric: Look, we broke up. You're much better off.
Alternate Eric: Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]
Eric: Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]
Alternate Eric: So, you're an angel, right? Is there any thing you can do to help me?
Angel: Alright, listen closely: NO!

Eric's Depression [4.2]

[Donna is cleaning up the garden, when she walks to the hedge and runs into Eric]
Eric: Hey.
Donna: 'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?
Eric: Well, what do you have to say to me?
Donna: Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'
Eric: I'm not wrong!
Donna: You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]
Eric: Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!
[Red and Eric talk about their breakups over beer]
Red: There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.
Eric: We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?
Red: Yes, we do.
Eric: It's just... hurts.
Red: Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.
Eric: Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.
Red: Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

Pinciotti vs. Forman [4.3]

[At Eric's basement, Eric is not happy about Donna's presence]
Donna: Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight. [sits down]
Eric: [paces around] Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?
Donna: Okay.
Eric: What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.
Donna: So, what, you're like, kicking me out? ... Wow. Okay then. Bye.
Jackie: Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.
Eric: No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, bye!

Hyde Gets a Girl [4.4]

[Kelso joins WFPP's contest, where a van is at stake]
Kelso: Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.
Max: Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?
Daniel: [cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.
Max: Oh God.
Daniel: [walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.
[at a special birthday party for Hyde, Fez tries to introduce him to someone]
Fez: Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.
Unknown Girl No 1: So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?
Unknown Girl No 2: I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?
Unknown Girl No 3: It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.
Unknown Girl No 4: I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.
Big Rhonda: You gonna eat that?
Unknown Girl No 5: I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.
Unknown Girl No 6: My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke...or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?
Unknown Girl No 7: Okay. So guess which leg's real.
Unknown Girl No 8: I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.
Fez: So? What do you think?
Hyde: You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.
Fez: No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.
Hyde: Yeah. Right.

Bye-Bye Basement [4.5]

Theo: I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.
Leo: It's true, man.
Theo: I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-
Kitty: Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.
Theo: Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.
Red: Well, I'm sold.
[The gang sees Fez come back from ballet practice]
Kelso: Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.
Fez: Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.
Eric: Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?
Donna: You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.
Eric: God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?
Hyde: Okay, that one was out of the park.

The Relapse (1) [4.6]

Uncomfortable Ball Stuff (2) [4.7]

[Kelso and Eric are trying to read the number on Eric's hand}]
Kelso: 72936.... ampersand?
Eric: Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.
Kelso: You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.

Donna's Story [4.8]

Fez: Oh, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.

Forgotten Son [4.9]

[The gang discuss Kelso's selection as talent for Red's Price Mart stockboy video]
Eric: You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me but now that I'm all paranoid I'm all, like paranoid. I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?
Hyde: Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate pretty boy.
Kelso: That's me. So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after and I choose Travolta.
Hyde: Kelso...I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film. Bravo, man. [claps hands]
Eric: That is good advice. Man, I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.
Jackie: Yeah, and Donna's a big mouth. Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.
Eric: What? Ha, I did not! I did not. I had a zit. Stop looking at me.
Hyde: Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment. Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor. He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.
Kelso: [impersonating Travolta as Tony Manero] Yeah, I stock this shelf! But someday I'm gonna dance across this whole city. [back to own voice] That's dead-on.
[Hyde and Fez have just discovered that Leo actually has no million-dollar inheritance]
Fez: There is no money, you son of a bitch!
Leo: Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.
Fez:: [to parrot] That means you, too, Feathered Frank! Good day.
Parrot: But, FEZ!
Fez: I said, good day!

Red and Stacey [4.10]

[Eric invites Stacey to dinner at his house]
Stacey: At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.
Eric: Okay...what, do you like, you like my dad? [Stacey looks away and to twirls her hair] OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY DAD!?
Stacey: You know if he's seeing anyone?
Eric: Yeah, my mom! And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.
Eric: Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.
Kelso: Yeah we kinda expected that.
Hyde: Thought you said you had news.
Eric: Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]
Donna: Oh my God!
Kelso: Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!
Eric: Why?
Kelso: Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!
Eric Tell me this, how'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me I'm an attractive man. [the others look skeptical; to Donna] Well I got you.
Donna: Technically I got you. And then you blew it.
Hyde Which means you didn't lose it cause you never had it. See? There's your silver lining.
Donna: Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]
Hyde: That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.
Donna and Kelso: How soft is he Hyde?
Hyde: Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!
Kelso: Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!

The Third Wheel [4.11]

Fez: Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Kelso: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
Jill: Why are you friends with him?
Hyde: I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
Eric: Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
Hyde: I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!
[Jackie sees Big Rhonda in the Forman basement]
Jackie: Rhonda? How did you get in?
Big Rhonda: I used my key.
Jackie: Michael, why don't I got a key?
Kelso: Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

An Eric Forman Christmas [4.12]

Kelso: I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Eric: Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Kelso: Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
Leo: It's true, man. [Points upward]
[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]
Red: What the hell?
Kitty: Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]
Red: Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!
Bob: Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!
Red: Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!
Bob: What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!
Red: Bob, are you drunk?!
Bob: I'm not sober!

Jackie Says Cheese [4.13]

[Eric and Red both grab the last waffle]
Eric: Hey...leggo my Eggo.
Red: Hey...leggo my foot up your ass!
[Eric drops the waffle]

Eric's Hot Cousin [4.14]

[Jackie and Donna are not too pleased about Penny attracting much of the boys' attention]
Jackie: Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.
Donna: I know. I mean, we don't go to her town and try and out-whore her. Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.
Jackie: Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?
Donna: Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.
[Eric has scheduled a date with Penny at the basement]
Eric: Good evening, milady. 11 o'clock on the nose.
Penny: Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]
Kitty: Penny, there's no rat...
Penny: [jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!
Eric: No, I was...
Red: Eric, step away from your cousin.
Eric: No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.
Penny: I'm not adopted.
Eric: Wh-What? What? She's lying!
Kitty: Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?
Eric: I'm... sleepwalking?
Red: And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.
Penny: Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?
Eric: A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.
Penny: Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?
Eric: Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
Red: No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Eric: No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.
Kitty: Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

Tornado Prom [4.15]

Rhonda: [hugs Fez] Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything. This could be our last night here on Earth!
Fez: Oh, no! I'm going to die a virgin!
Rhonda: Not if I can do something about it!
Fez: You can do what you want. There's a tornado coming!
[Red, Kitty, Bob and Joanne are playing Monopoly in the Formans' basement when the tornado is called off. Red folds up the Monopoly board.]
Red: Call it a tie!
Bob: A tie? We had all the money!
Red: We had the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! And you can't put a price on freedom, Bob.

Donna Dates A Kelso [4.16]

Kelso's Career [4.17]

[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
Jackie: [sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Hyde: Big day at the office?
Kelso: Yeah, I worked a double shift.

Leo Loves Kitty [4.18]

[Jackie visits Kelso at a beach-theme photoshoot, where the photographer directs him]
Photographer: Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.
Kelso: [sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.
Jackie: Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...
Kelso: No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?
Jackie: I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...
Kelso: Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.
Jackie: B-But.
Photographer: OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Jackie: Todd, what are you doing here?
Todd: I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?
Jackie: Yeah, I think so.
Todd: Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.
Jackie: You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.
[Red sees Leo at the door of the Forman house. Knowing that Leo likes Kitty, he is not pleased to see him]
Red: Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a FIERY PASSION...that consumes my soul! That's right. So you can either walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my foot in your ass!

Jackie's Cheese Squeeze [4.19]

Eric: [speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!
Donna: No way!
Eric: Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?
Fez: My lips are sealed.
Eric: Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.
Hyde: You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Eric: Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.
Donna, Fez and Hyde: Your secret's safe with me.

Class Picture [4.20]

[Flashback to 1968]
Young Eric: Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.
Young Hyde: Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.
Young Eric: Okay, Steven.
Young Hyde: And it's Hyde.
Young Eric: Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?
Young Hyde: That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.
[Eric hands it to him, then Kitty and Red come out from the house.]
Kitty: Well, now, who do we have here?
Young Eric: This is Hyde.
Kitty: Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!
Young Hyde: I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.
Red: Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!
Kitty: Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]
Red: I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]
Young Hyde: If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]
[Returns to the present]
Hyde: Now I have to kill you.
[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]
Kelso: Oops, sorry!
Donna: [covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!
Kelso: Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see them, I'd stop!
Donna: [grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]
Kelso: They're beautiful...[collapses]

Prank Day [4.21]

[Red is doused with oatmeal because of a botched prank on Kelso]
Eric: Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly...horribly wrong!
Red: Well, I have a prank too...one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] horribly, HORRIBLY... WRONG!
[Red serves Kitty's lasagna to Eric, Hyde, Kelso, and Fez]
Red: [enters dining room] Ah good, all the half-wits are here. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get you. You won't know where, and you won't know when. But it will hurt. And you will cry. And I will laugh. And...did I mention it will hurt? Very good.

Eric's Corvette Caper [4.22]

[Red summons Eric over the 'Vette]
Eric: Um, you wanted to see me?
Red: Did you take my car out last night?
Eric: No.
Red: I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.
Eric: A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.
Red: Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.
Eric: I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?
Red: Start her up.
Eric: Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.
Red: For a month! Why did you do it?
Eric: To impress this cheerleader.
Red: No kidding? ... Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?
Eric: Well, can I have the car again?
Red: Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.
Hyde: [calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.
Eric: You know what? Let's just call it a month.
Jackie: Michael...
Kelso: [groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?
Jackie: Yes, you are.
Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie: Yes, we are.
Kelso: Cool. Where's Donna?
Jackie: WHAT?! [attacks Kelso]

Hyde's Birthday [4.23]

[Kelso is going through Red's tools to find a saw to cut down a street sign the gang wants to give to Hyde for his birthday]
Kelso: [As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.
Red: [After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!
Kelso: Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]
Red: [Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!
Kelso: Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]

That '70s Musical [4.24]

[Fez has just fantasized a musical performance of the whole gang singing 'Sing a Song']
Fez: So what do you think?
Leo: I think whatever you're on I'll take two of em!
[Fez is having another fantasy where he is part of the Forman family]
Kitty: Okay kids it's nighty night time.
Eric Night mom.
Hyde: Night mom!
Fez: That's my mama!
Eric: I love you Fez.
Hyde: I love you more!
Red: I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.
Kitty: Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!
All three boys: Awwwww!

Eric's False Alarm [4.25]

Everybody Loves Casey [4.26]

[Jackie's bedroom. Kelso comes in.]
Kelso: Guess what. I read your little "everything's my fault" article and I realized why I cheated. Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macy?
Jackie: Behind the gym?
Kelso: And in the gym, and in her car. But, anyway… Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you Tater Tots. And you said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough. And you're always puttin' me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself. And that is why I cheated.
Jackie: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Kelso: Just like that. And then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not sorry either!
Jackie: Michael, what are you saying?
Kelso: I'm sayin' that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad! And… And… I don't think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.
Jackie: Wait, break up? No, no. Michael, I was wrong. Please, let's talk about this.
Kelso: No. [He leaves.]
Jackie: Wait, but Michael!

Love, Wisconsin Style (1) [4.27]

Bob: And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.
Kitty: She said no?
Eric: Can you do that?
Red: No.
Bob: I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.
Eric: Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.
Kitty: [in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.
Bob: The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.
Eric: There is?
Red: No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.
[Red and Kitty talk to Eric after he turns down Donna's bid for a second chance.]
Red: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?
Eric: I said No.
Red: You said No!
Kitty: ... Dumbass!
Eric: Look, I have my reasons.
Kitty: [agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!
Red: So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!
Kitty: Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.

Season 5

Going to California [5.1]

[Kitty catches Hyde and Jackie kissing.]
Kitty: Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!
Hyde: No, it's not what you think. We're not together.
Kitty: Then what's going on in my kitchen?
Jackie: Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]
Hyde: Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]
[After Eric brings up Luke Skywalker to a conversation about getting Donna in California]
Red: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!
Eric: Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.
Red: No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Kitty: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

I Can't Quit You Babe (a.k.a. Jackie and Hyde Get Busted) [5.2]

[During a circle, where the issue of Eric trying to convince Bob out of enrolling Donna in a Catholic school is discussed]
Eric: It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]
[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde kissing.]
Donna: What the hell!
Jackie: Oh, my God.
Eric: I'm blind!
Jackie: Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]
Hyde: [to Donna] Great outfit.
Jackie: So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?
Eric: You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!
Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

What Is and What Should Never Be (1) (a.k.a. Kitty's Pregnant) [5.3]

[Eric confronts Red in the garage over being shallow about Kitty's revelation of being pregnant]
Eric: Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?
Red: [turns to Eric] You made me bald.
Eric: What?
Red: Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]
Eric: You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!
[Having seen Hyde kiss Jackie at the garage, Eric and Donna try to make Kelso not see it]
Kelso: No, but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]

Heartbreaker (2) (a.k.a. Kitty's Parents Come to Visit) [5.4]

[Kelso is angry at Eric and Donna for not telling him about Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso: I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
Eric: We...barely knew.
Donna: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
Eric: Like radioactive spiders.
Kelso: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?
[Kitty and Fez walk down the stairs.]
Kitty: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
Fez: Finally.
Kelso: What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!
[Kitty talks to her mother about entering menopause]
Kitty: Did it hit you this hard too?
Bea Sigurdson: Did what, dear?
Kitty: Menopause.
Bea: Ohhh...I never had it.
Kitty: Mom, everybody has it.
Bea: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!
Kitty: You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
Bea: Well, I didn't.
Kitty: Yes, you did!
Bea: Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.
Kitty: Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?
Bea: I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!

Ramble On (a.k.a. Promise Ring Redux) [5.5]

[Eric and Donna talk about bad taste at the Forman living room]
Donna: Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]
Kitty: Excuse me?
Donna: Uh, Mrs Forman-
Kitty: I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.
Red: Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?
Kitty: [snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]

Over the Hills and Far Away [5.6]

Kitty: Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.
Kelso: A little?
Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."
Fez: I'm hooked.
Kitty: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]
Eric: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.
Eric: Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Hot Dog (a.k.a. The Gifts) [5.7]

Red: Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really. [Kitty glares at him] But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .
Kitty: Just say it Red, barren!
Red: Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.
Kitty: Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.
Red: No, no. I got you a puppy. [holds up a Dachshund] He needs somebody to take care of him. His mother got run over by a car.
Kitty: Did you run over a dog, Red?!
[Eric just bought a gift for Donna]
Hyde: So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?
Eric: No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.
Kelso: As a joke?
Eric: No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.
Kelso: As a joke?

Thank You [5.8]

Kitty: Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?
Eric: [To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.
Kitty: Eric, little Wally moved away.
Eric: A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!

Black Dog (a.k.a. Ow, My Eye) [5.9]

[Kitty just told Red and Eric about Jackie's father being arrested for bribery]
Red: Well, I’m glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.
Eric: [sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?
Red: What did you say?
Eric: Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!
Red: That's right.
[Kelso's playing with his BB gun]
Eric: Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.
Kelso: [stands up] Relax. Guns don’t just go off by accident.
Donna: Oh really? What about Eric’s fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?
Eric: What? No, Snowball didn’t get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!
Kelso: The gun went off by accident!

The Crunge (a.k.a. The S.A.T.s) [5.10]

Eric: Ground me.
Red: What?
Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded!
Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.
Red: Do I have to be nice about it?
Eric: No.
Red: This is the happiest day of my life.
[Eric and Donna are at the Hub talking about Eric's low S.A.T. score.]
Eric: Hey Donna! I got an 800. We're lucky I can wash myself.

The Girl I Love [5.11]

[Red dreams of winning the canoe competition at the Battle of the Network Stars]
Kelso: [as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!
Jamie Farr: My team! [presents trophy to Red]
Red Forman: Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]

Misty Mountain Hop (a.k.a. Jackie's Cabin) [5.12]

[Kitty gives Red Belgian waffles for breakfast]
Kitty: Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.
Eric: What's so Belgian about them?
Red: They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.
[Kitty, Red and the gang catches Eric and Donna having sex on the kitchen table]
Kitty: OH MY GOD!
Donna: Oh my God!
Hyde: Alright! It's Donna's butt!
Red: DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!

Your Time Is Gonna Come (a.k.a. Get Off My Boyfriend) [5.13]

[Annette's behavior when she is with Kelso is strangely familiar to Eric and Donna]
Eric: Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce. Oh my God, she’s Jackie.
Donna: A new Jackie.
Eric: A blonde Jackie.
Eric and Donna: Blackie!!! [a dramatic chord plays]
Fez: We’re doomed!
[at the hospital, Red sees a sad Kitty]
Red: Kitty, how’s Burt?
Kitty: I don’t know how to say this. Daddy’s gone to a better place.
Kelso: Good, 'cause this hospital sucks! [Red, Kitty, and the gang look at him] What? [comes to conclusion] Ohhh! [whispers to Hyde] This hospital sucks.

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (a.k.a. Valentine's Day) [5.14]

Bea: So what were you saying dear?
Eric: [sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!
Bea: Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?
Eric: [nods to his right] Umm, Donna.
Bea: Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]
Donna: What the hell did that mean?
Eric: That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Ben-gay.
Jackie: You know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael. But what am I supposed to do, he was my first boyfriend! And you know what, you're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you!
Hyde: ...I'm not saying it back!

When the Levee Breaks (a.k.a. Eric and Donna Play House) [5.15]

Jackie: See, I think it’s stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.
Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.
Eric: Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.
Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.
Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.
Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.
Kelso: Yeah.
Fez: No party, no pooper.
Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.
Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

Whole Lotta Love (a.k.a. The Silent Treatment) [5.16]

[The gang is watching Red scream through the screen door. Kelso has just walked in]
Kelso: Sorry I'm late but I was cutting through backyards and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym. Woah, he's still yelling?
Eric: Yeah, I'm trying to read Red's lips but I can't make it out. He keeps calling me a stupid duck. [Jackie looks at Hyde in disbelief. Eric finally gets it and snaps his fingers] Ahhh.
Kelso: Hey I'll go spy on them. I just need to run home and change into my ninja outfit,
Eric: I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.
Kelso: Well doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric.
[Fez reports to the gang about sleeping with Nina]
Jackie: No way, Fez I can’t believe you finally lost your virginity.
Eric: Wait, this isn’t like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?
Fez: No, this is the real thing.
Kelso: I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.
Eric: Alive?
Kelso: No, I’m gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.

The Battle of Evermore (a.k.a. Pioneer Days) [5.17]

Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]
[Hyde, Kelso, Fez, and Jackie go into a Circle and talk about Leo, who left Hyde]
Hyde: [laughs] Can’t close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin’ to freak me out. Leo’s the best.
Kelso: Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin’ son of a bitch!
Jackie: You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn’t Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I’ll never forget that.
Fez: I’m just sad I’ll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I’d like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I’ll bet I look like a stallion.
Hyde: So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!
All: To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]

Hey, Hey What Can I Do? (a.k.a. Job Fair) [5.18]

[Kelso just hit a police car]
Fez: I cannot believe you hit a police car.
Kelso: Nah, don’t worry. It’s a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.
Officer Debbie: License and registration.
Kelso: Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I’ve been workin’ out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that’d be about - two of you little lady.
Officer Debbie: What’s your name?
Fez: Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.
Officer Debbie: Yeah, I’ll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I’m gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]
Kelso: Wooh, a citation for bein’ too foxy in a school zone.
Officer Debbie: No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.
Roy: I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we’re lookin’ for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They’ll just leave me like everybody else.
Jackie: So Roy, seem a little depressed there.
Roy: Yeah, I’m teeterin’ on the brink.
Hyde: Maybe I can do somethin’ to cheer you up.
Roy: Really? Oh, that’d be great.
[Later at the Circle]
Roy: So I’m on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone’s tellin’ me to jump. I was just out for a jog.
Hyde: Okay Roy, here’s what I’m gonna do for you. I’m gonna take that job as cook and keep you company, on two conditions - I’m not gonna work very hard, and you’re gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it’ll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Roy: Great! And if it’s work-related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.

Bring It On Home (a.k.a. Jackie's in the House) [5.19]

[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]
Red: Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
Kitty: And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Hyde: Told you to look where you were goin’.
Jackie: Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
Eric: You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.
Red: Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Hyde: Jackie’s been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.
Kitty: Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.
Hyde: Look, nothing was going on.
Eric: Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Red: Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.
[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents embarrassing him for being "different" in the Basement]
Fez: You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]
Kelso: Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.
Fez: You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Kelso: Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]
Nina: Fez, we need to talk.
Kelso: Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: [Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]

No Quarter (a.k.a. Jackie Moves In) [5.20]

Kitty: Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mother is...[pauses]...you know.
Donna: Whoring around Mexico?
Kitty: Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.

Trampled Under Foot (a.k.a. Fez Gets Dumped) [5.21]

Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don’t want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there’d be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.
[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]
Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?
Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my—
Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!
Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.
Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.
Nina: No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.
Fez: Then why didn't you say that?
Nina: I didn't want you to make a scene.
Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.

You Shook Me (1) (a.k.a. The Nurses Are Coming) [5.22]

[Fez is uneasy after he admits having had a dream about Kelso]
Donna: That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.
Kelso: Wha? No you don’t gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!
Fez: You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!
Eric: Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don’t be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.
Fez: Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.
Kelso: Ohhh!
Fez: Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?
Kelso: Well, did it continue?!?
Fez: No! What could this mean?
Kelso: Well, isn’t it obvious? It means that I’m gay!
[Red is pleased with Eric's new job at Joanne's dog food factory]
Red: Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin’ in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?
Donna: Very happy.
Eric: Yes.
Red: Of course you are. And that’s why I’ve changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.
Eric: Wha-Are, are you serious?
Red: Absolutely! Hey! Let’s get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!
Donna: Next week? Wow that’s, that’s really soon.
Eric: Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin’ like ... someday.
Donna: Yeah, yeah someday. That’s good.

Nobody's Fault But Mine (2) (a.k.a. Hyde Loves Jackie) [5.23]

[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]
Eric: You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married-in-a-week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain’t happening Missy. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!
Donna: Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!
[Jackie explains to Hyde her moment with Kelso in the previous episode]
Jackie: ...and that’s when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!
Hyde: Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-
Jackie: And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]
Hyde: And I’m really sorry okay. I promise it’ll never happen again.
Jackie: [voice breaking up] That’s exactly what Michael used to say!
Hyde: C’mon Jackie-
Jackie: No, you know what Steven, I’m sorry. It’s over. [gets out of the car and walks away]
Hyde: [turns on radio] Huh, finally get country music.

The Immigrant Song (a.k.a. Fez Gets Busted) [5.24]

[Fez has been caught by the police while painting the water tower.]
Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!
Police: Get off the water tower!
Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!
[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]
Donna: Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!
Eric: Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!
Kitty: [Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!
Red: Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.
Kitty: A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]

Celebration Day (a.k.a. Graduation) [5.25]

[At the campfire, Kelso tries a familiar song to rub Hyde and Jackie's breakup in Hyde's face]
Kelso: Something touched me deep inside the day that Hyde...lied [Hyde is giving Kelso a look]
So bye, bye Mr. Steven Hyde.
I’m a hottie and you're nottie
Jackie's gonna be mine
She likes my brunette locks not your curly-ass twine
Oh, Jackie Burkhart you are so fiiiiine
[Red is having a heart attack because Fez and Laurie broke the news of their marriage]
Fez: Hang on, Dad.
Red: Kitty?
Kitty: Yes, Red?
Red: If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!

Season 6

The Kids Are Alright [6.1]

[Eric lies in Donna's bed]
Eric: So... cold... Can't... use the Force...
Kitty: Eric, we have to keep your father calm — so no shenanigans.
Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red: Will you shut up!

Join Together [6.2]

Kelso: That's a burn about a burn, that's a second-degree burn.
[Red joins Hyde in the basement. Hyde is watching a football game and drinking soda]
Red: Hey Steven. Where's your beer?
Hyde: What? Me, beer?
Red: Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.
Hyde: Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]

Magic Bus [6.3]

[Jackie and Hyde are making out on Donna's bed]
Jackie: Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.
Hyde: You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]
Donna: How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]
Jackie: You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.
Donna and Eric: Puddin' Pop?
Hyde: Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.
[In the circle]
Fez: We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?
Hyde: Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.
Jackie: Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!

The Acid Queen [6.4]

[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Michael, we have to talk.
Kelso: Yeah? About what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: Excuse me.
[to Fez]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Donna]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Kelso: [To everyone calmly] Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!

I'm Free [6.5]

Jackie: Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley put up with her crap?
Kelso: She has to. They're in love.
Donna: Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Kelso: Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.
Red: [referring to Fez's impending questioning by the INS] And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.S Government.
Fez: Okay, that’s it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy!
Red: Don’t sass me, Tarzan.

We're Not Gonna Take It [6.6]

Fez: Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?
Laurie: Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.
[Red and Kitty walk in from the kitchen]
Fez: What is your problem?
Red: Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.
Kitty: Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?
Laurie: Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.
Red: Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]
Fez: Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?
Laurie: I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]
Fez: Bitch.

Christmas [6.7]

[Two girls approach Eric]
Random Girl #1: Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.
Eric: Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.
Random Girl #2: I guess now you really fill it out!
Eric: Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..
Random Girl #2: No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.
Random Girl #1: You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.
Eric: No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]
Kelso: You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
Eric: No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?
Hyde: Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.
Donna: Okay, we're back, and uh, if my boyfriend's listening, you're late and I'm a little worried you're trapped in a snowdrift or something. So, honey, if you're cold, I'm with you, baby. Okay, so let's take some requests, hello, you're on the air.
Girl at Dance: Hi, I'd like to dedicate He's the Greatest Dancer by Sister Sledge to Eric Forman, the coolest guy at the Christmas dance.
Donna: What? He's still at the dance?
Girl at Dance: Sorry, I have to go. He's telling us about his boat.
Donna: That sneaky bastard. Uh, that sneaky bastard Santa Claus is on his way with a non-stop block of classic Christmas tunes, and remember, you're listening to WFPP with me, Hot Donna. [sizzling sound] You hear that, Eric Forman? That's not bacon, that's your ass when I get a hold of you.

I'm A Boy [6.8]

Jackie: Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.
Kelso: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner — oh, and some kids that took Latin.
Hyde: This is fun.
Brooke: So how do you all know each other?
Jackie: Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.
Hyde: Then I stole her from him.
Brooke: Wait — what?
Kelso: Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.
Brooke: Okay. Wait a minute.
Kelso: It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.
Hyde: He brought up the sisters. Awesome.
Brooke: Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.
Kelso: No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.
Jackie: That's not helping.
Kelso: Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [gets up and leaves.]
Kelso: Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.

Young Man Blues [6.9]

Eric: [after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric: Wait, but Dad...
Kitty: No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
Red: [after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Hyde: Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
Red: I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Kelso: Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
Red: All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
Eric: But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hyde: Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Red: Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
Eric: No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Kitty: Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.
[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
[Red is teaching American history to Fez so he can pass the INS greencard exam]
Red: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red: I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.

I Can See For Miles [6.11]

[The gang is hanging out in Hyde's room]
Jackie: Why are you guys all in Steven's room?
Fez: Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.
Jackie: Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
Hyde: Really, I always thought it was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.
[Eric laments about accidentally seeing Kelso's van plunge from Mt Hump]
Eric: Man, poor Kelso's van. When it finally landed, it didn't so much crash, it just completely separated into basic elements and just returned to nature.
Donna: So sad, there were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.

Sally Simpson [6.12]

[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
Kelso: Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
Suzy Simpson: You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
Hyde: You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Kelso: Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Eric: Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
Suzy: Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie: Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Kelso: Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
Suzy: We back up our own.
Kelso and Suzy: Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]
Red: [imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
Eric: [imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Red: [imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
Eric: [imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!

Won't Get Fooled Again [6.13]

[Fez is absent from the Circle after Kelso and Fez have a falling out.]
Eric: Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you must have really pissed him off. He hasn't been away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
[Eric wants Kitty's help after Donna might be pregnant. Donna worries that Eric will be too obvious about who is pregnant.]
Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle. [Scene change] MOMMY, MOMMY, DONNA MIGHT BE PREGNANT!

Baby Don't You Do It [6.14]

[explaining how the police academy got set on fire]
Kelso: It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Kelso: Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kelso: Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
Kelso: So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
[Eric and Donna visit the marriage counselor, Pastor Dan]
Pastor Dan: Okay, what did you want to tell me?
Eric: Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Donna: Eric!
Eric: Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!
Pastor Dan: Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Donna: Wow. I never thought about it that way.
Pastor Dan: Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Eric: Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
Pastor Dan: Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]

Who Are You [6.15]

[Red is not pleased that Kitty's serving tea]
Red: This is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
Kitty: Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.
Red: [stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]
Pam Burkhart: Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.
Red: [taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.
[Donna just told Kitty about her and Jackie discovering Bob and Pam in a hot tub]
Kitty: Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?
Red: [overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?
Kitty: There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!
Red: Yes I did.
Kitty: No you didn't.
Red: Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]

Man With Money [6.16]

[Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are jealous of Bob dating Pam]
Hyde: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
Eric: I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
Kelso: One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
[Kitty is exasperated that Red is eating lasagna for lunch and his heart monitor does not sound the alarm despite the high cholesterol]
Kitty: I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
Pam: [walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red: Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!

Happy Jack [6.17]

[Hyde and Fez visit Kelso at the police academy. Officer Kennedy sees the trio]
Officer Kennedy: Cadet Mike.
Kelso: Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.
Kennedy: Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Hyde: Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
Fez: I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.
Kennedy: Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
Kelso: No, sir. Not at all, sir.
Kennedy: Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.
Kelso: He's a good man.
Hyde: All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
Kitty: When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red: How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty: You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red: If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Eric: Dad, you were there for three. [Kitty looks at Red]
Red: What are you, an animal?

Do You Think It's Alright [6.18]

[Fez catches Red reading a romantic novel]
Fez: So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Red: Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!

Substitute [6.19]

Eric: Mitch! Congratulations this seems like the perfect job for someone your size what with the free lodging in the castle on hole six.
Mitch: Yeah there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.
Kelso: yeah the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.

Squeezebox [6.20]

5:15 [6.21]

Mitch: [after he challenges Eric to a fight] All right! 5:15 at the playground — you be there!
Donna: Why not just do it at 5:00?
Mitch: I have swimming lessons!
[Red faces Hyde in the basement over him tapping to the cable TV]
Red: What the hell's the matter with you? Stealing my cable!!
Hyde: Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at the carwash girl? She is so sudsy.
Red: You drilled a hole in my floor. My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
Hyde: Red, the carwash girls have to make 500 dollars, or their super-freaky love nest is gonna turn into a bookstore.
Red: Look there's only one clicker, and it's upstairs. My cable, my channel! [walks back up]

Sparks [6.22]

[Hyde, Kelso and Fez are on top of Mt.Hump. Kelso is sitting in a canoe.]
Hyde: Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?
Kelso: [holds up paddle] Duh.
Fez: Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.
Kelso: Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?
Hyde: I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.
Kelso: Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Hyde: Falling for what?
Kelso: The old helmet gag.
Hyde: Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.
Kelso: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!
Hyde and Fez: One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]
Kelso: Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!

My Wife [6.23]

Going Mobile [6.24]

Eric: Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.
Kelso: No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."
Eric: No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.
Hyde: Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?
Eric: Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.
Hyde: That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?
Eric: Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.
Kelso: Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.
Hyde: So who's gonna be your best man?
Eric: Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?
Hyde: Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.
Kelso: All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.
Hyde: You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.
Kelso: Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.
[The gang, the Formans and Bob are in the Forman living room after Eric failed to arrive at the wedding rehearsal. Hyde answers a phone call.]
Hyde: Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.
Donna: Hyde, what did he say?
Hyde: He said he's really sorry.
Donna: He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?
Hyde: It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.
Kelso: Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?

The Seeker [6.25]

[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]
Fez: You look dorky.
Donna: Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Fez: Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Kelso: Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
Jackie: [enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
Hyde: And you brought me flowers?
Jackie: No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Kitty: Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Hyde: I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
[Midge returns]
Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
Kelso: You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
Jackie: [enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
Bob: [walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
Midge: I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Bob: Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
Pam: "Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
Midge: I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Donna: Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Jackie: Your mom is staying with us?
Donna: No, your mom is staying with us.
Jackie: What about my mom?
Donna: Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
Bob: I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?

Season 7

Time Is On My Side [7.1]

Eric: Life is like a train. It's barring down on you and guess what? it's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come.
Red: Steven When You Moving Out
Hyde: Soon
Red: How's Your Girlfriend
Hyde: Shallow As Hell
Red: Job
Hyde: Dean End
Red: Future
Hyde: Bleak
Jackie: Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.
Fez: Is it Donna's engagement ring?
Jackie: No. No it's too big for that.
Hyde: Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.
Eric: Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]
Kelso: Burn!
Donna: I didn't say anything!
Kelso: Then say something.
Donna: It could've been bigger.
Kelso: BURN!
Eric : Okay! I'm here to earn my dinner! What am I gonna do about Donna?... We're hanging out! What am I gonna do about my job?... I quit! What am I gonna do about my future?... Nothing! When am I moving out?... Make me!

Let's Spend The Night Together [7.2]

[Red, Kitty, and the gang gets to know Hyde's real father]
Red:: So William? What kind of work do you do?
William Barnett: I own a chain of record stores.
Hyde: Record stores...That’s cool, huh? I was afraid you where gonna be a cop or something?
Barnett: I don’t like cops.
Hyde: I don’t like cops either...Hey, who do you think shot JFK?
Barnett: I don’t know because they [points up] don’t want me to know.
Red: [To Kelso] I'm gonna kill you and mount your head on the T.V.! And if it helps me get better reception, it will do more for me then you have ever done in your life!

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction [7.3]

Eric: I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.
Donna: Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.
Eric: Okay, I'm not following.
Donna: I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.
Eric: You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.
Donna: (gasps) One of Red's beers?
Eric: There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.
Red: Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.
Eric: Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.
Red: You're not taking dance lessons again, are you?
Eric: No, I'm saying, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna accept my apology, man to man, and then sit down with me and my girl here, and enjoy this beer.
Red: No, here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna put down that beer and go to your room.
Eric: Or, here's what's gonna happen. I am going to go to my room. But first, I'm gonna chug this beer.
Donna: Chug it Eric.
Eric: Okay, that's really fizzy. But I think I made my point. Now you put some saran wrap on that, and I will finish it later.

Beast of Burden [7.4]

It's Only Rock and Roll [7.5]

[Fez comes in looking extremely distraught.]
Donna: Fez, what happened? I haven't seen you look like this since you found out Candyland isn't a real country!
W.B.: So, Steven, how was your first day?
Hyde: Well, I'm kinda glad there isn't a window in here...because I woulda jumped out of it.
W.B.: [laughing] Ah, you kids and your suicide jokes!

Rip This Joint [7.6]

Hyde: I don't know what's happening to me. I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy, who told me a story about accounts receivable. Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.
Jackie: Say Flowchart again.

Mother's Little Helper [7.7]

[Red talks to Kitty over her reading The Joy of Sex]
Red: Kitty, we don't need The Joy Of Sex.
Kitty: Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.
Red: But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.
Kitty: [browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Red: Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.
Eric: [enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?
Kitty: Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Eric: Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?
Red: I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
Eric: But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...
Kitty: Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]
Eric: [to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!
Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Angie [7.8]

Kelso: [repeated line] You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking.

You Can't Always Get What You Want [7.9]

Surprise, Surprise [7.10]

Eric: Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It’s fun! So guess what — Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.
Hyde: Shut up, you little twizzler!
Eric: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!
[Kitty is sifting for records at Hyde and Angie's music store, Grooves]
Kitty: Steven, I can’t believe you thought I’d like these Sex Pistols. [returns copy of Never Mind the Bollocks LP to Hyde]
Hyde: I’m sorry Mrs. Forman, [sighs] I’ll make it up to you. Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?
Kitty: Well that’s what Judas needed, a priest [laughs and looks at record] Are they spiritual?
Hyde: I listen to them every Sunday.

Winter [7.11]

Don't Lie To Me [7.12]

[Hyde confronts Jackie over her attending a bridal fair with Fez]
Hyde: Jackie, what the hell where you thinking?
Jackie: Look, Steven, I know it’s a crazy thing to do, its just ... I kno-I wanted to know what it was like to be planning a life and a wedding and everything, I mean, that’s all I’ve ever wanted ... And I was starting to think it was never gonna happen with you.
Hyde: [puts hands by face] Are we back on this again [faces her] Why can’t you just be happy with what we’ve got?
Jackie: BECAUSE I’M NOT!, [voice breaking] Steven ... okay, look, I need to know that we have a future together ... Can’t you just give me some kind of sign or just a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe someday we’ll get married?
Hyde: Jackie? I don’t know.
Jackie: That’s all you ever say. Please Steven, please just say anything besides I don’t know. Anything else.
Hyde: I don’t know...[looks down]
Jackie: Well then I can’t be with you anymore.
Hyde: Jackie, don’t threaten me, okay? It’s not gonna work.
Jackie: I’m not threatening you, Steven, I can’t waste anymore of my time on you if it’s not gonna. happen for us ... Okay, well, at least now I know.

Can't You Hear Me Knocking [7.13]

Street Fighting Man [7.14]

[Having been given money by Red to buy a jersey, Eric comes back to the stands wearing a Chicago Bears jersey, amidst a sea of Packers fans]
Red: Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?
Donna: Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.
Eric: Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.
Hyde: Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.
Red: For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?
Eric: No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.
[Red has just witnessed something he'd never thought he'd see in his life - Eric fighting someone, specifically, a Packers fan dissing Eric for supporting the Bears]
Red: Ooh! Eric's in a fight! No one's here! No one's gonna believe me! Why didn't I bring my camera?

It's All Over Now [7.15]

[After Donna refuses to wear bikini]
Sizzling Sarah: Unlike some people I care about this radio station, plus I just love wearing a bikini, when I put one on I jiggle just like jelly!
Eric: Well she jiggles like two perfectly filled water-ballons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them, or touch them, or make a motor-boat sound with your mouth between them because she is a LADY!!!
[After Donna's boss fires her]
Eric: I'm a gentleman and never use this kind of language, but Mr. Randall you are one six-ing seven-ing monkey five-er you think your one don't stink well three-off you three-ing three [quoting George Carlin's Seven words You Can't Say on Television or Radio

On With The Show [7.16]

[Red and Kitty see a pajama-clad Eric appear for breakfast]
Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Down The Road Apiece [7.17]

[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]
Kelso: Okay, we’re gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I’m gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.
Kitty: What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They’re gonna kill him, he can't do anything!
Red: I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]
Donna: [walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.
Kitty: Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn’t have to worry [Donna’s eyes open wide]
Kelso: [after analyzing car] Okay, I think it’s obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son’s been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]
Red: Isn’t it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn’t change it himself and went off to find some help.
Kelso: And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.
[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]
Eric: I can’t believe I’m stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don’t do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they’re all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don’t care as long as it’s warm [drinks]
Leo: Don’t worry, man, I’ve got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?
Waitress: [smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]
Leo: In that case [laughs] you’d better soak your uniform in club soda.
Eric: You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I’m here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!

Oh, Baby (We Got a Good Thing Goin') [7.18]

Kitty: We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.
[Fez takes a bottle out of Kelso's baby bag.]
Kelso: Don't touch that! It's breast milk!
Fez: Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?

Who's Been Sleeping Here? [7.19]

Gimme Shelter [7.20]

2120 So. Michigan Ave [7.21]

2000 Light Years From Home [7.22]

[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]
Eric: Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!
Donna: Eric that’s perfect!
Kitty: That’s wonderful!
Red: See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You’re welcome.
Kitty: So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]
Eric: [smiling] No, I’m not going to Milwaukee.
Donna: So, where then?
Eric: Africa!
Kitty: Africa, Wisconsin?
[Hyde's father summons Hyde and Jackie to his office and explain something]
William Barnett: Steven, I’m moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the costumers. I love my little girl but you’re the one who should be running that store, so [pats Hyde on shoulder] its yours. [returns to desk]
Hyde: Wow [walks forward, Jackie follows] Uh, thanks man.
Jackie: OH, MY GOD!! I OWN A RECORD STORE!!
Hyde: No, I own a record store.
Barnett: Actually, I own a record store.
Jackie: I OWN ONE-THIRD OF A RECORD STORE!! [giggles]
Barnett: Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody. See, I just got into this real snotty country club and they don’t think I’m gonna be there much but I’m gonna be there all day everyday and I’m bringing friends so I need somebody around here looking after things...while I’m out making white people uncomfortable.

Take It Or Leave It [7.23]

Eric: It used to be where you had to buy a girl dinner before she would slide all over you, moaning like a ghost.
Charlie: You Know If You Want We Can Hang Out At My Dad's Warehouse
Fez: Oh That Be Great
Charlie: Really
Fez: No Shut Up
Charlie: Well Alright I Have To Go Down And Unlock The Door We're Getting A Shipment Today
Kelso: Shipment Of What
Charlie: Beer My Dad Owns A Beer Warehouse
Kelso: Your Dad Owns A Beer Warehouse
Charlie: HMMM
Kelso: You Cant Touch The Ball Now
Donna: You Had To See Eric's Face When I Told Him About My Date He Seemed All Nervous And Surprised It Reminded Me Of His Sex Face
Jackie: Donna I Don't Wanna Hear About Eric's Sex Face I'm Upset Enough
Donna: You Wanna Know What The Best Part Is, I Don't Even Have A Date I Made The Whole Thing Up Just To Mess With Eric's Head
Jackie: I Wish I Had Manipulated Steven Instead Of Opening Up My Heart, Now I'm The Vulnerable One Waiting For His Answer f Is :Donna: Yea I Was A Little Surprised I Mean The Bitchy Stuff Is Your Bread And Butter
Jackie: You Know I Had Fake Pregnancy Right Up My Sleeve And I Didn't Even Use It
Eric: Whoa
Hyde: Holy Crap That's The Most Beer I've Ever Seen
Charlie: Let Me Hit The Lights
Hyde: Let Me Rephrase That, That's The Most Beer I've Ever Seen

Short And Curlies [7.24]

Til the Next Goodbye [7.25]

[Eric receives a call]
Eric: Hello?
Jackie: Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Jackie: Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say good-bye in person. That makes me sad. I mean, you've always been very special to me.
Eric: Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word cream cheese.
Jackie: No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay? So just take care of yourself in Africa.
Eric: Okay. I will. Wait, you want to talk to who? You want to tell him you love him? Well, I don't know. You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms. Okay. Dad, telephone!
[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]
Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! [Eric sees the wall moving behind them] I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!
Red: [to Fez, who sees them as if through a fish eye lens]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?
[He tries to judge the distance, grabbing the air in front of him]
Kitty: What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.
[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]
Red: Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!
[Red scolds Kelso and points to him]
Red: And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid smirk off your dopey, dope-fiend face!
Kitty: Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.
Red: Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!

Season 8

Bohemian Rhapsody [8.1]

Red: [catching Kitty smoking the gang's stash in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?
Kitty: I'M STARVING!
[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]
Kelso:How much do we love this guy?
Fez: He's a prince!
Donna: Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.
Charlie: Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!
Fez: THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]
Donna: That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.
Kelso: Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.
Kitty: [narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.

Somebody to Love [8.2]

[Jackie tries to hit on Donna's date, who walks away]
Jackie: [rants off at bar patrons] Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! [her dress slips off her shoulder] 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.
Donna: Jackie! [tries to cover Jackie up]
Jackie: Get off me! [Donna whispers something in her ear] What the hell is a "boobs out"? [looks down] AAARRGGHHHH!!!!

You're My Best Friend [8.3]

[Kelso and Fez talk about Hyde]
Kelso: I still can't believe our little Hyde went off and married a Las Vegas stripper.
Fez: Yeah. Now we have to get him a present. What says "congratulations on your wedding and I want to nail your wife"?
Kelso: Oooooooh we should get him one of those big electric knives! Those suckers will cut right through your hand.

Misfire [8.4]

Kelso: I can't believe it's our last circle together. Wait... Oh! Now I know why we called it a circle! Thats freaking awesome!
Kelso: Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?
Jackie: Oh, Michael, no!
Kelso: No?
Jackie: No!
Kelso: Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit — come on! What the hell was THAT?!?
Hyde: The best fourth of June ever, that's what.

Stone Cold Crazy [8.5]

Donna: I want to send Eric some sexy photos.
Sam: Sure. I have some in the car. Want me to go get them?
Fez: First, let me grab your melons.
Jackie: Ooh, aren't they nice and firm?
Fez: Yeah, here grab my banana.
Jackie: Ooh, it's so big.
Don Knotts: Okay, you perverts, stop it right now! Fruit salad again? Why can't they ever be having sex?

Long Away [8.6]

[At a veterans' reunion, Red is flustered that Leo is actually a World War II veteran despite his hippie appearance]
Red: I can't believe Leo is a veteran. I don't know whether to like him a little more or like myself a little less.
Bob: Red, this was supposed to be your special night. We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.
Red: "We"?
Bob: I spent all my money on this costume.
Red: [walks up to Leo] So Leo, what exactly did you do in the war? I mean, just besides drive a supply truck.
Veteran: Just drive a supply truck?! Leo, did you tell them what you did?
Leo: Nah. It's embarrassing.
Veteran: You gotta tell 'm!
Leo: All right. I peed on Jane Fonda.
Veteran: Leo here drove his truck right into a German tank formation and rescued an entire platoon.
Bob: Really?!
Veteran: Didn't you get a medal for that?
Leo: Yeah. I forget what it was called, but it was shaped like a purple heart.
Red: Damn Leo. I'm impressed [shakes Leo's hand] From one veteran to another, I'd like to buy you a drink.
Leo: Actually, I like to buy you a drink.
Bob: I'll take a drink.
Red: Sorry. This round is for men who fought for Uncle Sam, not spent the war hiding in their Uncle Sam's house.
Leo: Hey man, even if he didn't see action, he still deserves a drink.
Red: All right, fine.
Leo: Bartender, one Shirley Temple!

Fun It [8.7]

[The gang just 'kidnapped' Fatso the Clown]
Jackie: [entering the basement] So you guys-[screams] WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING HERE?!
Donna: We stole Fatso the Clown! And now we're gonna...uhm...what do we do with a stolen clown?
Hyde: [in starting a Circle] THIS is what we do with a stolen clown. Actually, this is what we do without a stolen clown. It always comes back to this.
Fatso: [Randy providing voice] Hohohohohohohoho. Thanks for bringing me here you guys!
Randy: So Fatso, now that you're free, is there anything we can do for ya?
Fatso: Huhuh yeah. Find me a really trashy clown-hooker with nice long legs and a pair of double D [honks horn].
Randy: I found this in the garage.
Fez: Oh Randy, you think you are so funny [sniggers] That was funny.
Jackie: Look at that freaky-ass clown. It's just staring at me...he doesn't even blink...
Donna: It's because he likes you. He loves you. He wants to marry you and then..KILL YOU! [Jackie screams loud]

Good Company [8.8]

[Jackie, Fez, and Randy scour Donna's room for ideas on a birthday gift. Jackie checks out Donna's diary]
Jackie: Oh my God Fez, listen to what Donna wrote, it's from a few weeks ago: "Hyde hired this new guy Randy at the record-store. And he's really cute." Donna thinks Randy is cute! Can you believe this?!
Fez: Jackie you shouldn't be reading that! [takes the diary and puts it in a drawer] It's a complete invasion of privacy. [fidgets with her mirror] Oh if I get just the right angle on this mirror...I can see Donna when she sleeps...
[Kitty is enraged that her friend Marcia is dating Fez]
Kitty: [making tequila from a blender] I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut. [hands the blender to Donna] You girls throw it around like football players, couldn't one of you have slept with him?
Donna: [drinking from the blender and giving it to Jackie] Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something. Fez is a deviant weirdo. We're just glad he is doing it with a person and not a couch a tree or my pillow.
Kitty: After all I have done for that boy, he has the nerve to say you're not my mother. If that's even what he said. Because...who can understand anything that comes out of that ungrateful marsh-mouth.
Jackie: [drinks] Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman. [hands the blender to Kitty] You know, if I were a divorced older woman, I would take everything from my ex-husband. SUFFER, YOU CHEATING BASTARD! Haa! Can't wait to be divorced.
Kitty: Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine I'm done! Next Christmas, his stocking will not be hung by the chimney with care. It will be tossed in the garbage with...with...hair! [takes a sip] This place uses too much ice! [pours in the rest of the tequila]

Who Needs You [8.9]

[Donna is preparing to broadcast from Grooves]
Donna: You guys, the radio station asked me to host an on-air fundraiser for the Children's Library. A year ago I was doing the Farm Report and now it's gonna be Hot Donna all day long. That right. I'm gonna be referring to myself in the third person from now on.
Randy: Wait. You're not doing the Farm Report anymore? [makes hillbilly accent] Well how am I supposed to know if my corns-a-gonna grow?
Donna: And I told my boss, that I'm not getting off the air until I've raised 500 bucks. Which'll be easy, cause my fans do anything I say. Like, there was this one time, when I told everybody to get up and dance when I played Tear The Roof Off The Sucker. There was almost a riot at the prison!
Jackie: [sarcastic] Yeah. Thanks a lot Donna. My Dad had to hide under his bunk.
[Red and Kitty try to sleep, but couldn't do it with Hyde and Samantha arguing at Laurie's room]
Hyde: Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!
Sam: To drown out your snoring!
Hyde: I was snoring to drown out your talking!
Kitty: [gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]
Red: Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...

Sweet Lady [8.10]

[Kitty and Jackie go to Christine St George's station to drop off a package she forgot at Fez's salon]
Jackie: Hiiii, uh, I’m here to see Christine St. George.
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
Jackie: No, but I am her biggest fan and I would love to be her co-anchor.
Receptionist: Okay, have a seat and a psychiatrist will be right with you.
Kitty: Oh please Miss, couldn’t you just let us in for two minutes?
Receptionist: I got a better idea. How about if I let you in for no minutes?
Jackie: Please? Please could you let us in? I know I have what it takes to be on TV and I just need to demonstrate my talents to Christine.
Kitty: Oh and I just want an autograph. Or a souvenir. Ahaha! She made cheesecake on yesterday’s show, is that around?
Receptionist: You really want to get in huh? Okay, I’m thinking of a number between one and ten.
Kitty: Six.
Receptionist: You got it!
Kitty: Ohhh! [claps hands and jumps for joy]
Jackie: So does that mean that we can go in?!
Receptionist: No. That’s the number of cops I’m gonna call if you don’t beat it.
Jackie: But..I’m supposed to be her co-anchor!
Receptionist: And I’m supposed to be Brooke Shields. Ain’t life a bitch?

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy [8.11]

Killer Queen [8.12]

Red: Will you Just Listen?!
Kitty: Oh, Red. I'd love to talk to you, but I have to check the pressure in my tires.
Hyde: Hey Red. Kitty told Sam the presents weren't for her and I'm kind of in trouble. I got us each a bouquet of flowers for the ladies.
Red: Kitty! I got you roses! (to Hyde) See how it feels, dumbass?!

Spread Your Wings [8.13]

Donna: (voice recording) Happy birthday Eric. I have a sexy surprise for you. Look across into my window. Yeah, I thought you'd like those. Now come over here and I'll...
Randy: Hey.
Donna: (turns off tape) Hey.
Randy: What's up?
Donna: Nothing. Just, you know, hanging out.
Randy: Cool. I've never sat on the hood of a car with a girl before?
Donna: Yeah, actually, you know what. This car was kind of...
Randy: (notices the lightsaber) Ooh.
Donna: Oh.
Randy: A lightsaber.
Donna: Yeah, that belonged to someone. Now lets...
Randy: Check it out. (Donna imagines Randy with Eric's hair and clothing while he's swinging the lightsaber) I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you. (Randy continues swinging the lightsaber)
Donna: Stop it. (pushes Randy of the Vista Cruiser)
Randy: What the hell?
Donna: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this is, this is just too weird. I can't do this. I can't see you anymore.
Randy: You could've just said you didn't like Star Wars.

Son And Daughter [8.14]

Kitty: Ooh, this pineapple reminds me of Donna. It's a little tart.
Bob: Hey, don't call my daughter names, you can call me names. I really wish you wouldn't.
Kitty: Why, I just..., I don't know what she sees in Randy. He's so charming, and, and friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. What a jackass.
Bob: Well, I like him. He calls me Mr. P. Where did he come up with that one?
Red: Kitty, if Donna's going to date anyone, why not him? I mean, he's bright, he's good with tools, and most important, he has never once tried to teach me the Ways of the Jedi.
Kitty: Wait a minute. You like Randy, too?
Red: Well, I'm just saying. I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.
Kitty: Well you have said a lot of hurtful things, but this is the worst! (she walks away)
Red: Kitty?
Bob: She's crazy. This pineapple's delicious.

Keep Yourself Alive [8.15]

My Fairy King [8.16]

[Jackie reveals other items in her Ideal Guy list.]
Jackie: There are plenty of other things on this list. My perfect guy compliments me, buys me presents and comes when I call... and none of that describes Fez.
Fez: [enters] Did you call me?
Jackie: What? No, I...
Fez: Wow Jackie, you look fantastic today. Ah, which reminds me, I got you a present. [gives gift] Enjoy. Bye, guys! [exits]
Randy: Whoa, that was weird!
[Hyde tries to shoot a basketball to determine whether to stay with Samantha]
Hyde: [to Donna] It's a tough decision, man. I'll let the ball decide. If I make the shot, stay with Sam. If it misses, I say goodbye. [shoots; ball gets jammed into hoop's crevice]
Donna: Huh. God's funny.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love [8.17]

We Will Rock You [8.18]

Sheer Heart Attack [8.19]

[Kitty is enthusiastic that Red can finally stop taking heart pills]
Kitty: Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!
Red: It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.
Hyde: Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...
Kitty: Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.
Hyde:You know man, you can sell those pills.
Red: No I can't.
Hyde: Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.
Red: Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?
[Red and Hyde visit the Viking Lodge, an old man's hangout]
Hyde: Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!
[Fez is nursing a face wound Caroline gave to him after she sees Jackie kiss him]
Fez: Jackie, what was that kiss all about?
Jackie: Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time. And I was wondering..you know, hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.
Fez: You want to be with me?!
Jackie: Yeah. I mean Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.
Fez: Well. So you want me because you're lonely? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?
Jackie: No Fez. You're wrong, it's not...
Fez: You know what Jackie, forget it. You went to be with Kelso AND Hyde. I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds. [Jackie goes to her room]

Leaving Home Ain't Easy [8.20]


[Jackie's been taking revenge on Fez for turning her down, and he has planned a counterstrike in their apartment's shower]
Hyde: Fez, if this is the ex-lax prank, I’d rather hear about it then see it.
Fez: No it’s better. And she’s turning the shower off.. she’s getting out...look at herself in the mirror and... [Jackie screams, goes out of the shower with her hair dyed green]
Jackie: FEZ!
Fez: Ho ho ho Green Jackie!
Jackie: Fez, you completely ruined my hair!
Fez: You destroyed my car!
Jackie: I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!
Fez: You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!
Hyde: Actually I remember a lot of crying.
Fez: Yes I cried, because I have feelings, unlike you Jackie.
Jackie: Oh, huhuh. I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny-
Fez: IT’S NORMAL SIZED! Well you know what, I’m glad I turned you down, because you are a mean, bitter girl. And now, you’re ugly on the outside like you are ugly on the inside.
Hyde: Holy crap man, cover your nipples!
Jackie: I can’t believe that’s what you really think of me.
Fez: Well it is.
Jackie: Fine. I’ll just go pack up my things and get out of your life. [returns to her room]
Hyde: Damn man, that was harsh.
Fez: Yeah. Must have been my Jamaican fire.
Hyde: So...you’re from Jamaica?
Fez: No, Jamaican Fire. It’s my new cologne.

Love Of My Life [8.21]

That '70s Finale [8.22]

[Red gets season tickets for the Packers.]
Kitty: Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.
Red: [holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.
Kitty: Really?
Red: [softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.
Kitty: Oh, I love you, too.
Red: I was talking to the tickets.
[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]
Eric: Happy New Year.
Donna: Eric!
Eric: Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?
Donna: I start college next week.
Eric: Oh, that's awesome. [long pause]
Donna: So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Eric: Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long —
Donna: [teary] Eric, things are a lot different now.
Eric: Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [Kisses Donna]
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