Skippy's List

Skippy's List proves that The Loonie can be applied to the military as well as Tabletop Games. The list consists of things that Skippy--an enlisted man in the US Army's psychological operations department[1]--discovered were forbidden in the US Army, generally without much context as to how he found out (although the blog does provide some explanations). It first came to the Internet back in 2001, lists 213 things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army. As the site explains, everything on the list actually happened, either as something Skippy himself did, something he saw happen, something he was spontaneously informed he was not allowed to do, a clarification to one of the above, or "I was just minding my own business, when something happened."

The original list can be seen here. The site also includes other sections with other, smaller lists submitted by "Friends of Skippy".

See also Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG and Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At Hogwarts, both of which Skippy's List inspired.

Tropes used in Skippy's List include:

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's.

154. Shouldn't treat "piss-bottles" with extra-strength icy hot.

2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
37. Our medic is called "Sgt Larwasa", not "Dr. Feelgood".
38. Our supply Sgt is "Sgt Watkins" not "Sugar Daddy".

7. Not allowed to add "In accordance with the prophesy" to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
73. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from Full Monty every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as "the boxy rectangle thingie".

142. "Calvin-Ball" is not authorized PT.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

54. "Napalm sticks to kids" is *not* a motivational phrase.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the "field of honor".
188. May not challenge officers to "Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn".

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
55. An order to "Put Kiwi on my boots" does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to "Make my Boots black and shiny" does not involve electrical tape.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

  • Genre Savvy: Eventually, his COs caught onto his looniness.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

35. Not allowed to sing "High Speed Dirt" by Megadeth during airborne operations. ("See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker")

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniel's® IV is acceptable.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

  • Nice Hat: "Nice" may not be the correct adjective, but it was doubtless a remarkable hat.

163. Take that hat off.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.[2]

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I "just happen" to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

174. Furby® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy.)

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

I don't mind if you want to quote a few items from my list of your site. But please do not copy the list in it's entirety.

26. Never tell a German soldier that "We kicked your ass in World War 2!"

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

1. Not allowed to watch South Park when I'm supposed to be working.
6. Not allowed to play Pulp Fiction with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my Samson like powers.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance" while on duty.
29. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms".
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for "magic beans".
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote "Dr. Seuss" on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell "Take that Cobra" at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote Full Metal Jacket at the rifle range.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from Full Monty every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff" [3]
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
136. Shouting "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!" while out on a mission is bad.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
185. My name is not a killing word.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

To explain how I've stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly...I'm funny, so they let me live.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light® batteries.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is "Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"

203. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as "Dad".

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as "Mom".

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

  • Wholesome Crossdresser: One story, "The Battalion Dance", relates Skippy and his fellow soldiers being forced to attend a dance they didn't want to. Skippy initially tries attending wearing a dress, but before the dance, someone rats him out and he is not allowed to. Then he meets a transvestite...
  • Your Soul Is Mine

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.

  1. ↑ Read: Drawing propaganda posters in postwar Bosnia
  2. ↑ Which references a very specific incident.
  3. ↑ (131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.)
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